Weekend

It has been a lovely, hard, and confusing week. My own emotional life has been in crazy, flip-flop mode, and Julia's has been no less active. I started this entry on Saturday but it is Sunday night before it is getting done, and Monday before it is getting to the blog.

The last week I have been haunted by dreams of inadaquacy. From not studying for the final of a course which I never attended a class to going on stage without ever looking at a script to worrying about my value to an employer, the dreams just don't stop. I wake up with a terrible pit in my stomach and numbing fear. My plate is full right now and I have tasks in every area, but generally, I feel very capable to meet these challenges. I have a better understanding of what I want than I've had in a long time. I don't know whether I still have a store of fear deep inside, or whether there is something else happening. Last night, I had a transition dream -- this is a dream during which I meet people I've known and make a choice that I refused or was never presented with. Of course, these dreams are not always that coherent.

First, inadequacy, then, transitions. What is coming?

Julia had a good week -- doing school work almost every day. We also went swimming, shopping, and were out in the garden every day. I am not enforcing any schedule or plan of lessons until we have our first meeting with the Intensive Autism Therapy team which will assemble at our house on the 1st of July. I am very interested in Neuro-Reorganization as a form of therapy that could be part of the intensive program. I will talk to our senior therapist tomorrow to see if they would consider it.

On Friday, Julia met a little girl at the pool and had a good time playing with her. She is part of a family that we had met at church a few months ago. The girls were having such a good time that I stayed extra time so that they could play. I hope we see them again and I hope that this child is interested in playing with Julia. Julia just loved it so much.

Julia has had more oppositional behavior this week than usual. Right now, I attribute it to settling into our back home schedule, not having school to mark her days, and recovering from three weeks of inconsistancy.

At Attachment Therapy this week, Marilyn tried to get Julia to talk about our time in Jersey. Julia avoided and dodged any questions and suggestions. She was a master of avoidance. I could not believe watching her how deftly she handled herself. She would not let Marilyn's questions penetrate her wall of distraction. Marilyn had me cuddle with Julia and Julia had a terrible time paying attention or settling into my arms. Marilyn told me to tell her the story of our Jersey time. Julia twisted and turned, whined, complained, everything and anything she could do to avoid my story. I wanted to give up because it was so hard to control Julia's body and talk at the same time, but Marilyn urged me to continue. I kept going and got to my mother's death. Marilyn asked Julia how she felt -- She had to ask more than once -- and Julia stopped all her moving and thrashing. She said she was sad and very worried and her Bobja died. We told her that it was okay to feel these feelings, and soon she re-started her previous behavior. I wam wondering whether this latest bit of saddness, already prepared to be hidden away, is a path to the deeper saddness that Julia feels.

I looked and researched as asked questions all last week and on Saturday bought that new camera. It is a Nikon Coolpix P6000 -- a very sophisticated point and shoot. I've never bought a relatively expensive camera for myself and what a great toy. With my old camera dead, pictures have been few and far between on this blog. No more! I started playing today after I picked the camera up from the store. I am just pointing and shooting right now, but I am excited to learned how to work this thing. Hopefully, I will be taking better pictures soon.

Ah, and Marcia, I did not follow you advice althought I thought long and hard about zoom before I bought. Instead of 10-15x zoom, my camera has only 4x zoom. They say, that is, the salesman told me that the quality of the pictures make more manipulation possible after downloading the pictures. So, I might be able to get some of the same effects with less zoom. We shall see!

David and I have been talking about what to do with the house. Our house. We can renovate the first floor to reorganize the space to be more useable and used. OR we can find another house and move. Both of a fascillate, but we would like to make a decision soon -- not to do the work or move soon, but to make the decision and then to make plans. On one hand it might be easier to find the home we want and just buy it, but then there is this house which we have gotten attached to. And Julia is at home here. If only there was a bit more space. The thinking goes on.