Today, I am doing a lot of PTO desk work -- emails mostly and some phone calling. The goals I set for myself, most of which were much to lofty to do much about, are like deflated balloons littering my mental landscape. But then, if Barack is not moaning and groaning over his first year, there is no reason for me to. Maybe I'll get to change our little world but it will take a bit longer than I planned.
I am learning patience.
Julia came home today in another good mood; however, she had thrown a chunk of ice at a boy in his class, hitting him in the face and resulting in a cut under his eye. Even as her teacher was telling me about this, Julia was hugging me and asking to be forgiven. As I understand it, Julia threw the ice, which she called a snow ball and I am sure she doesn't really understand the difference, in response to an adult telling her to put the ice down. Oh, that is my Julia! Oy! How do I teach her about this??
I put her into my arms when we got home and I tried to explain how much that ice must have hurt. She told me over and over that she would never do that again, something that I am sure they rehearsed with her at school, and in truth, I am not worried that she will do it again. There have been times since she started school that she has pushed, hit, punched someone and after being told not to do it, she has stopped but what about all the other things that no one has told her about yet??
Of course, when her teacher told me about what happened, I could not help the rush of images of Julia being kicked out of school. I know, a bit rash to make such a leap, but . . . .
Julia tells me now that she is scared of me, and she is worried about what I think when she does something wrong. I see her looking over at me when we are home and she is doing something wrong. She checks to see if I am watching. I think and oh so hope that this is the beginning of some kind of knowing the difference between right and wrong. Whether she learns the real meaning of right and wrong or can be instilled with a really strong mother voice inside her head, she needs to know . . . Argh!!
Okay, I know that lots of kids are physically aggressive with their peers. I just hope we survive childhood.
3 comments:
One of the early Chalet School books, has an Irish student twice the age of Julia (perhaps she is closer to 16) throw a stone at the head girl during a snowfight.
She is only comforted by the youngest girl in the school, who is a good comforter for all kinds of ocassions, but especially this time.
Delia's throwing of the snow was far more impulsive, even though she does have a fiery temper and there was a bit of angst with Grizel, the head girl.
You can read about it in The Head Girl of the Chalet School.
There are many meanings of right and wrong. It's the difference between a fear of retribution, the mother voice and also something that comes out strongly.
oh suzanne...i just love your posts...i am often too busy to comment but feel happy about reading them and feeling a connection with others whose girls have similar issues at times...
cecelia is still a hitter(or biter or scratcher)...and it is so frustrating...it seems to be her only orphanage behavior that is still left in her little soul.. and i want it gone NOW...but HOW?!
she doesn't hit just anyone...it has to be someone she is familiar with and most of it is geared toward her best little friend who spends her days with us...more of a sibling thing but still! how embarrassing...
part of what you spoke of made me smile today...a few weeks ago i reprimanded cecelia for hitting this friend...we had a long talk...she promised it wouldn't happen again, etc...the VERY next day she bit the same friend!!! and when i remnded her of our talk and her promise, she seemed confused...and then said,"but mommy, i didn't HIT her, i BIT her"! ahhhh....
our girls are apparently VERY literal i think...language issue? or adoption issue? or attachment issue? survival issue?...oh, how i wish i knew and could perform the perfect cure!
a few weeks ago i almost posted on our orphanage yahoo group to ask about the hitting, etc...to see if there is a common thread with our girls...but it has been so inactive lately that at the last moment i dumped the unpublished post i had written...or was i afraid to get a lot of responses about all the "perfect" children out there?...
thanks again suzanne...
It's not just a common thread with the girls (adopted from China).
Beating up on our close people (mum, dad, brother, sister, friend) is ... well, human nature. Or rather, animal nature. (Thinking of Fantastic Mr Fox and Wes Anderson's take on it: how he emphasises that Mr Fox is a 'wild animal', and then they meet a real wild animal, a wolf).
And even the 'perfect' people do it.
It does seem to happen especially when you are fiery and impulsive - or when your emotions are repressed in some other way.
Anyway, read (extracts of) The anatomy of human destructiveness by Eric Fromm. The man has it, as does Konrad Lorenz (you may have heard about ethology, which is the study of animal species) and his book on aggression, which contains an extract about an aunt of Lorenz's firing the servants every nine or ten months.
She would build them up as this perfect person, very much like splitting and hoovering (in the world of personality disorders, but not confined to there). Then as she discovered their faults, she would find reasons to fire them.
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