In short form, Julia had a blowout tantrum yesterday that started because she did not want do home work with me but morphed into a long time crying about not growing up. Julia is viament about never growing up and she will deny that she will do that to anyone who asks her what she plans to be when she does grow up. I did not mean to trigger this argument but said something . . . and then Julia started crying about never wanting to have a baby, having an empty tummy, hating babies, not wanting to take care of babies (this from the child who plays mother and babies all the time, and who gushes at pictures of babies). She also said that she hated herself (which she had never said before) and had a bad face. I started holding her in a strong way as I usually do when she tantrums but when she started crying, she wanted to hold on to me, throwing her arms around my neck (another first). She sobbed and complained that she hurt, that she was very sad, and that she was scared.
I did not want to put words or thoughts into Julia and so I did not try to probe what she was talking about. I asked only about what she talked about without trying to put my on gloss on it. None of what she was talking about were fears about her present life. I wondered if she had been forced to take care of babies, if she has seen a baby hurt, if she had hurt a baby, if she had been sexually abused.
We were in her room for almost an hour and a half. When we went downstairs, Julia was cooperative and loving. During dinner, she raised her milk glass and asked the we "click." She offered a toast to Family.
During the day today, Julia was no more cooperative than before her tantrum and crying yesterday. David is wondering about the intensity of Julia's therapy these days. He wonders if so much interaction is counterproductive. I have bought into the system and cannot see another way. I see progress and I believe it is because of the therapy that Julia has. If we should be allowing her to live something closer to a normal kid's life, it is not for me right now to understand it.
2 comments:
Not sure how to put into words what I want to say, but...it seems like Julia made a choice to spend time in a place of self awareness, even though it was painful. And she made a choice to trust. And I know from experience that it takes a lot of determination to make those choices. Sorry she has such hurtful things to process, but--good for her for trying!
Thanks. Yes, my heart only opens wider to my girl when she makes this decision to be so present with me, with us. I have known for a long time that there was a well of saddness in this child, a well so deep and so scary for her that we had a very long road ahead of us when she decided to heal.
Ach! my words are so inadequate to express what I feel about Julia.
I so wish that she did not have to process so much hurt, but I am so proud of her for doing it. She has the soul of a survivor and a warrior. She tells me sometimes when she is angry that she is "tough." And tough she is, my Julia. If anyone is going to heal and make her life happy, it will be Julia. And I am going along as first mate to this journey.
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