Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

So, so, so. It is Tuesday and the house is clean (the cleaning person and I worked hard today), the clothes are washed and I made chili on Sunday so we are set for food. LOL! I bought a box of duraflame logs -- I know, the whimps way out but it is reliable and easy -- and we have very little snow. Since yesterday morning, I have felt back to myself. Tomorrow will be six months since David died, and I have a feeling of well being that I have been missing for the last six months. It feels unusual -- like a snake wiggling out of old skin, or a butterfly bursting out of a cocoon. But it is not at all exciting or magnificent. It is quiet and I find myself checking myself, inside and out, to make sure that I will not slide back into morass of grief that I have been living in. I don't expect this airy feeling to be constant and I know that I will cycle back into grief now and then, but it is so very good to feel myself. To have a sense of humor. To feel like I am doing more than putting one foot in front of the other.

So what feels like so long that is all I have been doing. Sometimes I have been so very happy to be able to climb back into bed at the end of a day that I have done so very little.

Part of this is time, just time. Time. That seemingly constant palpable ruler of life -- I'll see you later, it is getting late, I'm early, We are on time. On Time. I have been in and out of time since David has died.

Now, I am used to coming home alone with Julia. I am used to taking the dog out every night and cleaning the cat box. There are no turns. I do it all. I shop. I buy light bulbs. Why did David like to buy the light bulbs? I swear that I haven't bought one in 20 years! I bought some yesterday. I make sure we leave the house on time and get to the airport in plenty of time. I check on the dryer and figure out when to take the muffins out of the oven. I call the plumber and talk to the architect. And I am the only one to plan the future. I can check with Cheshire. Ask her advice, but it is me making the decision. I am growing in confidence -- not that I was not confident before this -- growing in . . . I am becoming uncoupled. I am becoming single.

It is strange and I don't necessarily like it. I like being partnered. I like companions, a companion for my life. But I am not uncomfortable. I am standing on my own and owning myself.

I waited a day before writing about this feeling because I did not expect it to stick around for more than a day. But it did. I await tomorrow to see what happens then.

And on a Julia note (Will I someday start writing more about Julia again than about myself?): Julia seems to be reading, or trying to read, everything! Yesterday, on the way to OT, she was trying to read a kids' book in the back seat of the car. She asked about a word she did not know and I told her to spell it. She didn't know what I meant, so I explained that she should tell me each letter in the word. She spelled out "something" and when I told her the word, she said, "Oh, that is 'something'" Again, such an exciting moment to be a part of. What a gift this child is. What a mind is being unlocked.

And on another front: Maybe there will be a surprise soon.