Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

I am tired and a bit burned out today. The drive on Saturday was too long and not long enough. If there had been another driver in the car, we would have made it home in one day. As it was, I almost tried driving the entire 10 hours but decided after a bit more than 7 that I couldn't do it. We stopped, found a hotel, and went looking for food. I was incredibly grumpy and unhappy. I was also depressed about coming back to my real life. Feeling like I had lost purpose.

I revived on Sunday, made it home, started in unpacking and getting the house set up again. I've worked all day today even though I have not done as much as I hoped. It is like moving -- too much like moving. I know the only way to proceed is as much as I can each day with some time off for food and rest, but the singularity of the work is lonely. On one hand, I am doing the work for myself and Julia; on the other, I wonder if that is enough.

Julia was very excited to get home and start playing with the wii again. It took my awhile to set up the computer, the internet connection, and the television with the DVD player and the wii console. I have never had to set up electronics when David was alive. I took pictures of all the connections before I took them apart and the pictures helped me set up our systems, but it all took time. Throughout, I was both patient with myself and wanting to give up.

Julia has had a very hard time listening and following directions in the past day. She has been marginally able to follow three directions at a time this summer, today, one was too many. This behavior scares me. I worry that I am seeing some plateau in her abilities. I worry that I should have her right beside me every minute that she is not occupied by someone other than me. I wonder about a more specific lack of auditory processing.

I also do not like her insistence about playing her wii game. I fear that it is another way for her to disappear from her present. I also don't like it being a reward or a punishment for behavior. I raised Cheshire without video games and now I feel like a neophyte in this world. I can't help having negative feelings about allowing video games. I've tried to hold to the belief that allowing Julia to play video games would give her an interest that she might be able to share with NT kids. But I am still not comfortable.

Kind of a bad, uncomfortable day all 'round. Need to get to bed and start again tomorrow.