I wrote tonight about two very hard and bad days without much outside support. I am not going to post what I wrote. It is too raw, too hard, with a good dollop of self-pity. I’ve used the blog as a journal, vowing to share most everything of importance but I am hurting too much tonight to throw it all out into cyberspace. It takes a certain amount of courage, albeit strangely small, to share most of everything. After that, I just need a free shoulder. Self-rescue is still not in my repertoire.
I’ve complained over and over that I lacked my old resilience. Today, I wonder if I remember a great deal more resilience that I’ve ever had. These days have been about ever increasing challenges that I cannot meet alone, although there is no choice but to meet it alone. When a young child refuses to go to sleep, or a two year old has a time of tantrums, parents console themselves remembering that the particular challenge will disappear one day as the child grows and matures. I find the comfort of this remedy hard to give up. Today, I did not have the deep well of understanding, patience, and love that was needed to meet the challenges of the day. And those challenges will not disappear. Possibly ever.
2 comments:
Dearest Suzanne, in my years as a single mom with a legally blind son, I had heard that we are not given the challenges without also being given the tools to address those challenges. The tricky part, for me, was to find/recognize the tools. The process forced growth in ways that I could not begin to imagine.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are wonderfully, fallibly human. And you are loved.
Sharyn
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