The day outside is beautiful; I have to clean inside. Cleaning has been put off all week and because we are expecting weekend company, I cannot possibly excuse myself from the chores. Well, I could but I'd like myself to speed through the chores so that I could spend at least minutes or an hour in the dirt outside before driving to Milwaukee to pick up a friend I've never met.

Exciting.

I "met" Marianne in/at an online Findhorn group. (Check out the link if you want to learn more about the spiritual community in Scotland) I joined the email group in the early 90's and though members have come and gone, most of us have been together for more than 10 years. Our emails have fallen off in the last few years but occasionally there will be a flurry of communication and we catch up, write of problems and challenges. Our members are from all over the world, and I've met two -- one from England and the other from Ohio. Marianne is from Australia, and we will be meeting in person for the first time later this afternoon. She has made an awesome journey to North and South America over the last few weeks and it has been greet to virtually travel with her through her travel updates. I hope that she likes Wisconsin and our little family.

I feel rather sober today.

I mentioned a few days ago that I was seeing a situation unfold via email about money and our PTO. I have been able to "Watch" the current president handle the situation and I even was comfortable offering a few suggestions which were on the conservative side, but truth be told, the conservative and even moderate view point are just not mine. The thought that remains as the controversy winds down is that I want to move the organization into liberalism! I am confused as to the aim and purpose of PTO. We raise money and give it out, but to who and under what circumstances? PTO appears to provide funds for as many things as possible that enhance the school like of the entire school community. That being said, the funds that get channeled into the Parent Empowerment Groups which touch non-caucasian children and their families are funds going to exclusive groups. The problem that has arisen could be framed as how exclusive can a group be and still get funding? When I brought my grant to the PTO, I did not think of the playgroup as an exclusive group. To me, it was no different than providing money for one classroom teacher to buy books, or for the lego league to buy more supplies. The number of kids touched by these grants was larger than my playgroup but also exclusive.

It strikes me that I am not sure if the comparison of the playgroup to the recent request by another group for funds is because of the number of kids involved (which some of the voting members seem to be focused on) or the way we originally got our grant (which was slightly out of the normal grant process, but the extra-normal process we went through -- providing more information and more planning before we were voted on -- was at the request of the Executive Council that recommends the grants).

There is talk of line drawing. There is talk about case by case decisionmaking. There is talk of following bylaws and then about the use of custom. Why is the politics of the group only revealing itself now? I have been at almost every meeting for two years, every meeting this year. I recognized politics before but not what is going on now. And, smiling rather ryly, I am surprised to hear my playgroup discussed as something that is out of the ordinary when I so thought it was part of the mainstream. Oh, am I so out of the mainstrean? And then, what am I doing as the new president?

The other subject of sober thoughts is of something that I should not have read.

I usually stuff the Friday folders that Julia's class takes home each week. Class newsletters, PTO news, snack reminders, and sometimes questionnaires and surveys. Recently, a questionaire went home asking parents for information to help teachers and administrators make decisions about class placement for next year. I think I stuffed those two weeks ago, and when I was stuffing folders this week, I found a few that were filled in and returned but not taken out of the folders. I could not resist the temptation to read what I found although I knew it was not at all my place to do so.

Most were as expected, praising Christy's work and saying very nice things about the class, but one opened my eyes wide. This was from parents who felt that their child was not stimulated enough and did not receive homework which the parents felt was very important in Kindergarten. Mostly the parents were disppointed because the child was placed in a classroom with disabled kids who took most of the teachers time. The parents perceived the their son could have made much more progress if he had been in a class without disabled kids which is what they would like for next year.

This felt awful. It hurt to think that my child was thought to be a detriment to the learning of another child. Of course, the Madison schools have a policy of total inclusion which everyone in this liberal town is quite proud of, so the opinion cut deep. Then again, I know this kid. I've worked with this kid and help the kid work. I don't see this kid as that extraordinary--cute but not overly interested in school work and not eager to share some hidden learned skills. I've worked with this kid during writers' workshop and the work is very ordinary. To the extent that the parents are constantly working with this kid at home, I see no results.

Also, what these parents fail to see is that Christy's class is smaller than usual and there are many more adults in the classroom much of the time. These aids and specialists serve more than those needing accomodation. I see this kid as enjoying the privileges and services that kids with challenges have gotten.

Next term, I hope to get more peers to work in our plaggroup. Others have told me that it is difficult to get peers to join us. Will that be possible?

Monday

Egads! (in a very fake British accent) I am so far behind and in no way working up to capacity. Still feel like I am trudging along with energy or purpose. And so, I had a talk with myself this weekend -- I can be hard to talk to. LOL.

We rode past a soccer field yesterday where kids and parents were getting ready for practice and/or games. I can't help but be reminded at how far Julia is from doing something like that. Should I be looking into sports for kids with challenges? Do they have such things? I felt the tug from the part of me that is still caught wanting normalcy -- wanting soccer games or dancing school instead of therapy and controlled visits. Wanting some freedom, not from my girl, but with my girl. There are days I feel we live in a bubble of our own construction, living somewhat parellel to those who we observe.

But in this bubble there is some joy. Certainly. Yesterday, this idea of reading family words (as in, hat, fat, cat, rat, etc.) clicked inside of her. We went through as many -at words as I could imagine and Julia got it! She can sound out the first letter and then put it together with the -at end. Slowly, but doing it. We are moving towards reading.

The other thing we worked on yesterday was to write four sentences about ants (her current passion), tape the writing sheet on a bigger piece of drawing paper and then draw on the rest of the bigger sheet. The drawing, however, must be about ants. This was not easy for Julia -- she crumbled up the paper once and had lots of harsh words for me, but what I want to try doing is to focus her on one topic at a time. She will have/does have plenty of opportunities to draw and work with clay but I want to channel some of this creative energy to a specific topic.

One idea I have is to work on weekly or biweekly themse during the summer. Things like dinosaurs, bugs, dogs. Scient content if I can manage it but with a creative edge for her to hook into. Always writing first and then drawing and learning the discipline to draw on topic, even if it is tangential. I don't think this is too challenging for her but I will find out.

Not about Julia

When David says that it's time to update the blog . . . well, this is the first time he has ever said such a thing. I have been a bit blue about the lack of employment and thinking about how I should be using my time. When it was hot, I was staying inside, reading about attachment, trauma, autism, and the best interest of the child, the last for the GAL work that I would like to be doing. Then, at the beginning of the week, it turned cooler and I have been outside gardening and offering myself to any underfed mosquitoes.

I haven't written about the garden here although I am working on a garden blog that is mostly pictures right now. I pull weeds and muck in the dirt to find out what I am thinking, and it works every time. This is such an odd freedom. For a long time, I really wanted to see what being a SAHM was like -- like all through Cheshire's growing up. It was impractical and financially impossible. I am not complaining about working, because I really like to work and be involved in the world to the extent that I am able, but at the same time, I wanted to see what life on the other side of the track was like. I wanted to see if the grass was greener. Well, my grass is greener with me home to water it.

And so, I have been a SAHM for a year and a half now. Umm, I didn't expect to do it for such a challenge of a child. I have to smile. When else?? I didn't expect to have the chance to do it while I still had to worry about finding a job and working. And it is not just the money that worries me. Of course, the money is a worry, but more I am worried that no one wants this old lady. Oy.

Oy.

How old could I be? I can parent Julia, and learn more about parenting than I ever had to. I could learn anything! Including some new standards and procedures for some legal work.

Gardening: This is an interesting garden. I have plants that I would have never bought and many that were part of my old garden. This is a more work intensive garden work than what I had in Indy because there I planted an "easy" garden. The plants were probably not as exciting but I did plant what I liked as long as it didn't need to be dug up or fussed over. The last gardener overplanted in the front garden beds and did not do enough for the back. I spent the last few days digging up stuff in the front and moving some of it to the back. I will also move plants within beds -- like moving the big plants to the back of the beds so that the little plants can be seen. Why does that seem so simple? Why didn't MJ do it that way? There is also one bed, mostly in the shade that is planted in sort of a prarie style -- not the architectural style, more like lots of grasses and messy plants that lean towards the sun and fall over on to the sidewalks. I am moving the grasses to the back garden. I am not sure what I am doing with much of the plants. I might just pull the ones I don't like. In the spring I found a good deal on two small Rhododendum bushes. I put one in this prairie bed where there was an empty space. That plant is staying and I hope to see it grow big and flower.

As for the wisdom the dirt taught this week. I will do more volunteering both at school (get into Julia's classroom this year. It was my own decision not to spend time there last year) and with some group providing legal help for the underrepresented. And get back to changing the house in small ways -- maybe repaint the kitchen and back hall, and the blue window in the bathroom.

Yin & Yang

Today, we have the light stuff and the heavy stuff. I'll start light.

Yesterday was Julia's half year birthday. I smile as I remember that one year I let my birthday pass without mention and some of my friends celebrated my half birthday -- so very sweet. Julia just started understanding birthday - as in, the day you are born -- about two months ago after the last class birthday party of the school year. We have been talking about her half birthday and even though I doubt whether she understood the concept of half, we decided to go for it.

After OT yesterday, we went to Whole Foods and picked out a much too expensive carrot cake (kid has good taste). When we got home, I worked on her alphabet work with her and she earned her last two of ten stickers to get her newest two LPS pets -- two little kittens. Then she took an aveno bath (still with the rash, though better, and lots of bites), as I put finishing touches on her favorite supper food -- bok choi with Udon noodles. We had supper and settled down to a movie, stopped part of the way through and had our cake, complete with candles and singing, and we gave her a present -- the LPS fun house.

She was beside herself with joy. She thanked us many times, including the last thing before she went to sleep and first thing on waking up. Gifts are still an incredible unexpected surprise to her and they make her very happy. "I girl happy!" she tells us.

Julia had a hard time getting to sleep last night and did not really bed down unitl almost 10:30. By that time I had been dozing and waking, and was not ready for bed myself. I stayed up and watched a great tv program about searching for Atlantis and looking for it in Bolivia at a site called Tewanaku, which is the ruins of an ancient Andean civilization. There are over 3000 ancient civilization sites in S. America most of which have not been explored and no one knows much at all about the civilizations. By the time the Europeans came over, these civilizations were long dead and the explorers/invaders had no interest in what the people remembered of them. And so, even the stories about the civilizations disappeared. I can't help but think of our European-American modern civilization without the stories of Egypt, Greece, and Rome. What if . . . what if.

Well, good transition into the heavier stuff.

I have been feeling the tug to do attachment work with Julia. Why? Well, probably because I read too much. No, more likely, I read online and books just enough. I know that Julia's behavior still baffles people who should know kids on the spectrum, and although everyone says tht all kids with autism are different, the bafflement of Julia's teachers and therapists have nudged me on. Coupled with that, I think I have an internal timetable that is dictating something about our two year anniversary as a family of 4. I joined the yahoo group for attachment/china adoptions and have almost finished reading the Connected Child. I was further drawn in by the warning, from an expert, that the intensive autism therapy which is behaviorally based (and for which we are on a long que to be offered) is not good for kids with attachment disorders, so it is important that in the next 18 months or so, I tease out the threads of attachment issues or at least investigate them before we get into the 20-30 hour/week commitment of autism therapy.

So, now I read about attachment and trauma, and can see how Julia's behavior could be described as the result of those experiences. I hope that our new therapist -- family shrink -- is sufficiently expert enough to help me on this journey.

What a puzzle, this child.

Thursday thoughts

All about me . . . well, mostly.

I am still in the "do what you must to cure this child" mode. I still expect that if I work very hard with Julia and if she goes to the right therapies and maybe even eats the right food, that one day she will catch up and wake up perfectly normal. But already I have in my vocabulary words that define and explain her behaviors, her differences, and our expectations -- stimming, neurotypical, and more. I find it hard to let go of the idea of normalcy and without even meaning to I find myself comparing Julia to other kids who have been home for longer or less time than she has been. Will she look like Betsy when she has been home for 4 years? She is surely beyond where Sarah, who has only been home a year. Neither of these kids has Julia's challenges.

Last night, I spent some time trolling the web to find blogs of other parents of autistic kids. I see myself in the "cure" people right now although I suspect that I will need to move on. Let go of my fantasy and root myself firmly in the camp that teaches their children to live full lives and glories in their children just as they are. You would think that as a life-long stutterer I could do this without any problem, but I am just like everyone else who wants the perfect child, who wants my child to reflect the best of me, of us, who yearns for my child to stand out in only good ways, and who does not really want to be challenged. The blogs that I read are written by expert parents -- parents who have researched and lived with the challenge of kids on the spectrum. I am still an amateur and I am humbled that Cheshire was born, raised and grew up pretty well with parents who just did not have to work so hard.

Yet this work that I do with Julia is so willingly done -- as if I had been waiting my whole life for it to begin. I might just be that without paid employment right now, I need Julia's development as my mission. Well, if that be so, it is okay. Then again, I think about those red thread connections, some god who places kids where they belong, and a universe where energy is not wasted. I am still interested in prognosis, always interested in prognosis so I can make my plans for Julia, so I can dream of her accomplishments, but I see that I must turn to the day-to-day doings and make my goals more immediate. I need to allow the future to occupy its own time.

Working on L's this morning, I asked Julia to draw a picture and to include a picture of something that started with that letter. She immediately said, "lazy lizard," and I was very pleased. She heard the term on the little bit of Sesame Street she saw, but no matter at all. She remembered and she used something from another situation -- both remembering and using what she knows seems like very good skills.

Julia is learning letter using that her teacher calls putnik cheers -- the sound of the letter, words starting with the letter, and saying the letter itself. Example: b - b - b, bouncing ball, B. While she says this, Julia makes "B" in sign language. We say all of the cheers that we know everyday and Julia has about 18 letters down pat. Now, I want to take that apart and have her give me the sign, the letter, or the sound when I ask. We started that tonight and she did a decent job with the signs and the letters. We need to keep working on the sounds.

Julia and I didn't get out of her evaluation until almost noon. I was going to bring her to camp for the afternoon, but when we got into the car she said, "I not go to camp today, mommy. We go zoo?" I allowed myself to be pursuaded and we had a pretty lovely afternoon watching the otter, the monkeys, the seals, and three very tall giraffs. Watching a giraff spread his front legs very wide in order to reach down and eat some grass was pretty awesome. Julia's attention span watching the animals is very long -- seals, loins, and monkeys had so very much to say today in wild, ringing voices and Julia loved that.

Sometimes Julia says she is "very so happy." Then again, sometimes it takes her forever to fall asleep at night. Pretty regular kiddo.