Saturday thoughts

So often, there is a comment to a post that essentially says, 'I used to do that behavior,' 'I needed that particular comfort,' 'I still feel the need to ____ and I am normal.' I find myself thinking and feeling the same way. I like the feel of No. 2 pencils on a page for any sort of writing, I love my heavy quilt in the winter, certain music changes theway that I feel. And I really loved the way that crayons feel when they are very warm and coloring on warm paper. Julia has her own set of sensory needs and they are intensified. The longer that she has been home, the less “odd” or out of the ordinary her responses are to sensory stimulation, and the more her behavior corresponds to the “range of normal” reactions. She still needs hugs and a lap for the siren of an ambulance or a fire truck, and still needs a heavier quilt, at least at home, to feel comfortable. I wonder if this easing into the normal range of response to sensory input is changing something in her core, or if it is some basic changes in her core that pushes her behavior into the normal zone?

The new normal: I wrote a response to a post on the yahoo Attach-China board that touched upon how, as parents of kids with special needs, we must go through the mourning of the child we had dreamed of and set the new normal. By no means do I mean, that my new normal for Julia is defined by diminished expectations. I expect her to do her best and reach the highest heights of her abilities, but I do not expect to treat Julia like a child of her chronological age any time soon. I do miss the possiblity of talking to a 7 year old like Cheshre or the myriad of children who I have known at 7. I also do worry at times that we will never get to a real conversation, but concentrating on the here and now, I engage Julia is familiar conversation about lunch, her day, her pets. My worry is reciprocity and most of the time Julia doesn't ask me anything. Every so often she will ask if I am okay, or something about food, or something about the dog. It is a beginning and renews hope.

I wonder how long I will be talking to Julia as a 3-4 year old. I get an incling of loving and caring for serverely differently able people, something that I never let myself understand. I took it as a given that when I was a child, I was less loveable, less acceptable because of my differences. I see now how not necessarily true that is. I could love Julia no more if she was in any way different from what she is right now.

I love packing for travel. The winnowing down of possessions to the essentials – more winnowing when we travel by plane, but engaging enough when there will be limited space in the car for baggage. Julia's books, toys, movies, and music. How much reading should I brng for myself? Can I make myself read the whole of a philosophy book by bringing nothing else? And snacks? Do we need them? Am I bringing the exact same clothes that I wore last year? So, I don't think about this often at all. And if anyone took care to notice, they might see that all our trip pictures had me in the same outfits, changed only due to season and weather. Yes, that sweater is 20 years old! Yes, I took that shirt to China in 2006, to Vietnam in 2001, and probably to England in 1999. Either I tend to wear clasic clothes or I am dreadfully out of style.