I read The monster inside my son, on Salon.com today. Is this the fear, the dread, the worst case scenerio of every parent with an autistic child? I know a child right now whose family is trying to figure out what to do about his aggression. The article describes a sweet, dreamy child who grows up to not be able to live in the world, who grows up to harm his mother and scare his siblings. I could check the stats on this one -- what percentage of autistic kids grow up so violent that they must life in institutions, but what good are any percentages that would say 10%, 20%, etc., if you child is the one, then the chance was 100%.
I can be very reasonable, and I can also hope and pray real hard. There but for the grace of god . . . Let's just hope for that grace.
Both David and I have notice Julia looking at us, trying to get us to look at her, and just smiling. It is silly, it is very young. Sometimes she talks about falling in love, and I wonder if she is falling in love with being with us.
We worked together today on homework. She hasn't wanted to do it for a few days and I have not pushed it. I want to work regularly but I also want to her to want to do the work, to enjoy the work, and to give her a bit of slack when she has busy days. But then we do not get as much done.
We went over alphabet sounds and then the -at words. It did not go quickly, but not as slow as last time. When we finished pronouncing the words, I had her write down each one -- like a spelling test (not bad to introduce this concept for the future) -- and then read what she had written. Tonight when I put her to bed, I took out a book that uses lots of the -at words. Julia was thrilled that she recognized the words and could read the title without my saying it first.
Julia's behavior was good this weekend apart from church this morning. She decided that she wanted to stay in the classroom before class began and I wanted to see the beginning of the service. She started yelling and I took her aside and held her. We had to do two holdings before she could go into church, and we did get in, albeit just before the kids were asked to go to their classrooms. Is it testing? I wondered if it was today. Does she want to see how far she can go having her own way? The anger was not as intense but the physical part is still impulsive.
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
17 May 2009
09 October 2008
End of the week
It has been an interesting week. We had absolutely no therapy scheduled for this week (our speech therapist retired and our OT has no time) and David traveled with the court for three days. Julia did miss Daddy, one morning she woke up and asked, "Where is my good friend Daddy?"
At school Julia is still hitting -- grown ups and mostly those that she doesn't know well, not that this is a reason or excuse. We finally, finaly start our family therapy next week. I hope that the therapist can help us with this. I believe it is due to fear and control issues but I have no idea of how to more forward.
I bought some halloween lights -- bats -- and Julia and I put them up, as well as our scarecrow and cat from last year. Julia just loved it. She couldn't wait for the dark to turn on the lights. We remembered that she would go out for candy on halloween night although she has not really picked out what she wants to be yet.
We are having some remembering going on. The other night when I was putting Julia to bed she told me she was sad (and I think scared) that she lost her blue flip-flop. I had to remember myself what she was talking about. During out vacationing when we were at Lisa's house, Julia did indeed lose one of her blue flip flops when she and Sarah were tubing. At the time, Julia did not seem to register her loss and I was surprised because she liked those shoes a lot. Interesting that it comes out now.
More deepening of concentration as well. I see this in Julia's home work and even in her playing. Somewhere between the two -- the other night she and I put together a puzzle and she stayed very focused for a long time even though it was quite frustrating for both of us at times. We were working on it together and a number of times she bent over where I was to place pieces to help me or place her own pieces.
Thursday afternoon we had another violin lesson. It went better than the last one, still not perfect but getting better. I brought Julia home right after school and we did a schedule for the hour -- playing, writing, snack, cleaning up, and then violin. The schedule does center her and gt her ready to concentrate. And she did. She even remembered some things from last week. Lindsey gave her the "cigar box" violin that Suzuki kids start with and Julia was very proud of learning to hold it correctly. We are going to practice rest position and playing position. I continue to hold my breath about violin. It was so good for Cheshire, I would like it to be good for Julia. No, that is not set in stone, but I do hope it will work.
Julia is also touching my arm when she talks to me, a sweet gesture and one that feels very authentic to her. Her anger as it is directed towards me has diminished some and she is more loving. She is also spontaneously telling me that she loves me, not often, but sometimes.
At school Julia is still hitting -- grown ups and mostly those that she doesn't know well, not that this is a reason or excuse. We finally, finaly start our family therapy next week. I hope that the therapist can help us with this. I believe it is due to fear and control issues but I have no idea of how to more forward.
I bought some halloween lights -- bats -- and Julia and I put them up, as well as our scarecrow and cat from last year. Julia just loved it. She couldn't wait for the dark to turn on the lights. We remembered that she would go out for candy on halloween night although she has not really picked out what she wants to be yet.
We are having some remembering going on. The other night when I was putting Julia to bed she told me she was sad (and I think scared) that she lost her blue flip-flop. I had to remember myself what she was talking about. During out vacationing when we were at Lisa's house, Julia did indeed lose one of her blue flip flops when she and Sarah were tubing. At the time, Julia did not seem to register her loss and I was surprised because she liked those shoes a lot. Interesting that it comes out now.
More deepening of concentration as well. I see this in Julia's home work and even in her playing. Somewhere between the two -- the other night she and I put together a puzzle and she stayed very focused for a long time even though it was quite frustrating for both of us at times. We were working on it together and a number of times she bent over where I was to place pieces to help me or place her own pieces.
Thursday afternoon we had another violin lesson. It went better than the last one, still not perfect but getting better. I brought Julia home right after school and we did a schedule for the hour -- playing, writing, snack, cleaning up, and then violin. The schedule does center her and gt her ready to concentrate. And she did. She even remembered some things from last week. Lindsey gave her the "cigar box" violin that Suzuki kids start with and Julia was very proud of learning to hold it correctly. We are going to practice rest position and playing position. I continue to hold my breath about violin. It was so good for Cheshire, I would like it to be good for Julia. No, that is not set in stone, but I do hope it will work.
Julia is also touching my arm when she talks to me, a sweet gesture and one that feels very authentic to her. Her anger as it is directed towards me has diminished some and she is more loving. She is also spontaneously telling me that she loves me, not often, but sometimes.
30 September 2008
Today's changes
A few small changes between yesterday and today:
1. Julia seems to be coming to some understanding about time. She has been asking whether I will pick her up right after school or after after-school. She seems to understand yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and yesterday, she asked to bring clock into her bedroom. Up to this point, Julia has lived in the present. Trying to tell her that she will get enough stickers to earn a new little pet in two days has been really difficult. Telling her that we are going to do something tomorrow or next week or next month has been next to impossible.
2. Julia wrote her entire name on a line tonight. She still needs help spelling her last name but she made her letter to intentionally sit on the line.
3. Julia also is being much more affectionate. She is hugging me and asked for her special ed teacher for a hug when she is overwhelmed at school. I have been missing her hugs. She has still been affectionate with David but with me, she can be angry or vaguely willing to do what I ask. I feel like we have cracked another layer of protection, and we have a bit more of our girl.
On the other side of things, Julia is still being very fidgety.
1. Julia seems to be coming to some understanding about time. She has been asking whether I will pick her up right after school or after after-school. She seems to understand yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and yesterday, she asked to bring clock into her bedroom. Up to this point, Julia has lived in the present. Trying to tell her that she will get enough stickers to earn a new little pet in two days has been really difficult. Telling her that we are going to do something tomorrow or next week or next month has been next to impossible.
2. Julia wrote her entire name on a line tonight. She still needs help spelling her last name but she made her letter to intentionally sit on the line.
3. Julia also is being much more affectionate. She is hugging me and asked for her special ed teacher for a hug when she is overwhelmed at school. I have been missing her hugs. She has still been affectionate with David but with me, she can be angry or vaguely willing to do what I ask. I feel like we have cracked another layer of protection, and we have a bit more of our girl.
On the other side of things, Julia is still being very fidgety.
28 September 2008
change?
Julia is doing more stimming -- rocking, flapping her hands, wringing her skirt, and grinding her teeth -- than usual. The behavior seemed to noticeably start last night and tonight it was more intense. She also tossed and turned before bed having a hard time getting to sleep. I am pretty sure that she went through this just before we saw some change due to her listening therapy. For the past two week, she has been listening to "Chamber Music"KT 104 CD (68 MINUTES).
According to the website information: "Music by Rossini, Tschaikowsky and Grieg. The musicians produce music which is lively, harmonising and invigorating. The music is played and conducted in such a way that it becomes stimulating and energising, by working on the human pulse and deeper levels of emotions. The CD trains the ability to listen and allows the listener to "switch off" from the stresses of everyday life and re-charge the "batteries". Therapeutic uses include help with training listening, directional hearing."
So, waiting to see what is happening.
According to the website information: "Music by Rossini, Tschaikowsky and Grieg. The musicians produce music which is lively, harmonising and invigorating. The music is played and conducted in such a way that it becomes stimulating and energising, by working on the human pulse and deeper levels of emotions. The CD trains the ability to listen and allows the listener to "switch off" from the stresses of everyday life and re-charge the "batteries". Therapeutic uses include help with training listening, directional hearing."
So, waiting to see what is happening.
27 September 2008
Saturday in Madison
Back at swimming class. Julia missed last week because we were camping and the break seems to have been good for her. She was enthusiastic this morning about coming to the Y. The fact that we can no longer go swimming outside helps. She has given up serious asking to go to our community pool.
Julia is listening to a CD right now which is supposed to be stronger therapeutically than the two she has listened to before this. I am waiting for some reaction. To be so poised and wonder what will happen.
Today in the car, I called Cheshire. Because of the call, Julia had to wait until I was done to have music turned on. She waited without whining and when I was finished, she asked for music. Her appropriateness surprised me.
Is Julia actually trying to do the overhand stroke while holding on to a floating barbell?
Ummm, I did not post pictures of the camping trip because I didn’t take any. I packed the camera but I decided early on that I was not going to burden myself with one more thing. I had enough going on without the camera. Not that it was tough with Julia – she was cooperative and listened well. It was an adventure from start to finish but not an incredible challenge. Julia is beginning to rise to the occasion from time to time. And I did enjoy the living rather than recording of her and us. Now, of course, I’d love a picture of her next to the tent and roasting marshmallows, but I am sure I will get one sooner or later.
Later: Today is just beautifully quiet and perfect. Now, that we are officially into Fall, Madison weather is late summer-like. The early turning leaves are golden and red but the breeze is warm, the sun is shining softly through the clouds. Perfection. Our neighbors catty corner are having an Obama fund raiser on their lawn. We went over for a little while but Julia wanted to come home because the neighbors were drumming and it was too loud for her. And so, I sit on the porch and she listens from across the street and watches her bees.
Julia is more compliant than usual today. She takes a hand when she needs to, she closes the bathroom door when she leaves while I am in the shower, she lets David wipe her mouth after lunch without pulling away.
Julia is hitting in school. This hitting is what I have been having trouble with all summer – sometimes it is not hitting but threats of hitting. She can get angry quickly and strikes out. She is repentant afterwards, but doesn’t seem to be able to do anything about it before she does it. She also doesn’t have the words for "why" she is doing what she is doing. Why is she angry? I know that she had stored a lot of anger inside of her. What can we do about it? This is what I wanted to work with the family therapist about, and this is what we are waiting to work on. Patience is wearing thin.
Julia is listening to a CD right now which is supposed to be stronger therapeutically than the two she has listened to before this. I am waiting for some reaction. To be so poised and wonder what will happen.
Today in the car, I called Cheshire. Because of the call, Julia had to wait until I was done to have music turned on. She waited without whining and when I was finished, she asked for music. Her appropriateness surprised me.
Is Julia actually trying to do the overhand stroke while holding on to a floating barbell?
Ummm, I did not post pictures of the camping trip because I didn’t take any. I packed the camera but I decided early on that I was not going to burden myself with one more thing. I had enough going on without the camera. Not that it was tough with Julia – she was cooperative and listened well. It was an adventure from start to finish but not an incredible challenge. Julia is beginning to rise to the occasion from time to time. And I did enjoy the living rather than recording of her and us. Now, of course, I’d love a picture of her next to the tent and roasting marshmallows, but I am sure I will get one sooner or later.
Later: Today is just beautifully quiet and perfect. Now, that we are officially into Fall, Madison weather is late summer-like. The early turning leaves are golden and red but the breeze is warm, the sun is shining softly through the clouds. Perfection. Our neighbors catty corner are having an Obama fund raiser on their lawn. We went over for a little while but Julia wanted to come home because the neighbors were drumming and it was too loud for her. And so, I sit on the porch and she listens from across the street and watches her bees.
Julia is more compliant than usual today. She takes a hand when she needs to, she closes the bathroom door when she leaves while I am in the shower, she lets David wipe her mouth after lunch without pulling away.
Julia is hitting in school. This hitting is what I have been having trouble with all summer – sometimes it is not hitting but threats of hitting. She can get angry quickly and strikes out. She is repentant afterwards, but doesn’t seem to be able to do anything about it before she does it. She also doesn’t have the words for "why" she is doing what she is doing. Why is she angry? I know that she had stored a lot of anger inside of her. What can we do about it? This is what I wanted to work with the family therapist about, and this is what we are waiting to work on. Patience is wearing thin.
24 September 2008
Today's adventure
Oh my, what a day.
First, I got dressed to meet a guy who runs an agency that I am interested in volunteering at. I was at the appointed place at the appointed time and he did not show up. Later, I found out that I had the wrong day -- tomorrow, not today -- but I didn't know that, felt awful, starting to believe that I could do nothing right. Finding out later about the wrong day thing, I almost felt worse. Now, he knows . . . what?
Then, I picked Julia up for OT and Christy told me that had a rough afternoon. She had problems finishing her math work, finished it during choice time, got angry and hit another child. Julia told me that she hit Ginny, the special ed teacher, but she didn't want to talk about it beyond that. She was cranky in the car, told me that she didn't want to see Annie, and I told her that we had to tell Annie that we were not going to meet with her. This is a tactic that I use at times when I cannot think of a choice to offer her. After a while, she will tell me that she is willing to do what she is supposed to and we talk about doing that thing.
At OT, Julia was amazing. She was able to concentrate and follow directions for almost 45 minutes. She made a butterfly with the grad student that is shadowing Annie. When they were done making the butterfly, the grad student and Annie wanted to play Red Light, Green Light, but Julia would have none of it. She got angry and tried to rip the red/green sign that Annie had made. She said she was angry and she said that she wanted to hit the sign. Instead of insisting that she play the game, Annie suggested that Julia use one of the swings. Annie took down the swing made of a knit material and in which Julia can curl up like she is in a sling. Annie swung her, and bounced her with a big ball. When Julia came out of the swing, she was no longer angry.
Annie and I talked about Julia's anger. This is the behavior which is so hard to do something about. It comes on quickly Julia either threatens me with hitting or tries to squeeze my arm, or wants to do damage like she did with Annie's sign. I stop her and she becomes contrite but is unable to say why she was angry. Annie and I talked about whether it was the result of sustained concentration or maybe even going back to her behavior at school.
After OT, I realized that what I thought was a few bites on my wrists was really poison ivy. I called my doc, was unable to see her or anyone in the office today, and was advised to go to an Urgent Care Clinic. There was a clinic close to where we go for OT so I took Julia. She was cooperative and concerned about my itches, quite caring in her own way. The doctor that we saw did not see it that way -- she reprimanded Julia a few times when she was fidgity, bumping her feet on part of the chair and touching a painting hung in the room. I just wanted some medicine and to get out of there but I am sure that the doc thought me a lazy mother who was not disciplining her child. I was so itchy, I just wanted drugs.
So, the drugs -- hopefully the prescription steroids will short cut this bout of poison ivy. Very unfortunately, the side effects are irritability and an insatiable appetite. These I don't need. Not at all, but if it helps the rashes, I am there.
All this, and it is David's birthday. I started a dinner before I left to get Julia for OT. He had to finish it up. We had a little cake and Julia sang happy birthday enthusiastically.
And now, I am going to bed. It all starts all over again tomorrow.
First, I got dressed to meet a guy who runs an agency that I am interested in volunteering at. I was at the appointed place at the appointed time and he did not show up. Later, I found out that I had the wrong day -- tomorrow, not today -- but I didn't know that, felt awful, starting to believe that I could do nothing right. Finding out later about the wrong day thing, I almost felt worse. Now, he knows . . . what?
Then, I picked Julia up for OT and Christy told me that had a rough afternoon. She had problems finishing her math work, finished it during choice time, got angry and hit another child. Julia told me that she hit Ginny, the special ed teacher, but she didn't want to talk about it beyond that. She was cranky in the car, told me that she didn't want to see Annie, and I told her that we had to tell Annie that we were not going to meet with her. This is a tactic that I use at times when I cannot think of a choice to offer her. After a while, she will tell me that she is willing to do what she is supposed to and we talk about doing that thing.
At OT, Julia was amazing. She was able to concentrate and follow directions for almost 45 minutes. She made a butterfly with the grad student that is shadowing Annie. When they were done making the butterfly, the grad student and Annie wanted to play Red Light, Green Light, but Julia would have none of it. She got angry and tried to rip the red/green sign that Annie had made. She said she was angry and she said that she wanted to hit the sign. Instead of insisting that she play the game, Annie suggested that Julia use one of the swings. Annie took down the swing made of a knit material and in which Julia can curl up like she is in a sling. Annie swung her, and bounced her with a big ball. When Julia came out of the swing, she was no longer angry.
Annie and I talked about Julia's anger. This is the behavior which is so hard to do something about. It comes on quickly Julia either threatens me with hitting or tries to squeeze my arm, or wants to do damage like she did with Annie's sign. I stop her and she becomes contrite but is unable to say why she was angry. Annie and I talked about whether it was the result of sustained concentration or maybe even going back to her behavior at school.
After OT, I realized that what I thought was a few bites on my wrists was really poison ivy. I called my doc, was unable to see her or anyone in the office today, and was advised to go to an Urgent Care Clinic. There was a clinic close to where we go for OT so I took Julia. She was cooperative and concerned about my itches, quite caring in her own way. The doctor that we saw did not see it that way -- she reprimanded Julia a few times when she was fidgity, bumping her feet on part of the chair and touching a painting hung in the room. I just wanted some medicine and to get out of there but I am sure that the doc thought me a lazy mother who was not disciplining her child. I was so itchy, I just wanted drugs.
So, the drugs -- hopefully the prescription steroids will short cut this bout of poison ivy. Very unfortunately, the side effects are irritability and an insatiable appetite. These I don't need. Not at all, but if it helps the rashes, I am there.
All this, and it is David's birthday. I started a dinner before I left to get Julia for OT. He had to finish it up. We had a little cake and Julia sang happy birthday enthusiastically.
And now, I am going to bed. It all starts all over again tomorrow.
02 September 2008
First Day of First Grade & Third Grade
A world of difference from last year. It was perfect but . . . . .
Julia and I woke up early and put on her listening therapy while I took my shower. She dressed upstairs without a problem and asked for pigtails in her hair. She was excited to see Christy! She was even more excited when we were walking to school -- yes, walking -- and Amy passed us in her car and stopped to say hi.
Back to the house, Julia seemed ready and willing to eat and get ready. She was very interested in what was for lunch and loved having a little bowl of leftover (from her thermos) noodles. Yes, school was ready to begin.
We had a good walk to school. I am so pleased that walking to the camp bus paved the way for this. Julia put her backpack down on Christy's white dot (the place where the class lines up) and went to swing. The buses came, the bell rang, teacher carrying balloons came out and Julia hugged Christy and Amy. She had lots to say and went through at least a half dozen movies that she had watched this summer. Julia was pleased to see her friends. Although Cynthia is in another class, Julia went to hug her and then hugged lots of returning kids to Christy's class. She got Aaron and Seth mixed up (as do I).
Julia did have a minute when the bus kids were streaming into the playground when she went to stand by one of the walls with her back to the coming throng. She has done this before, especially with Abby -- taken a moment -- and maybe this is a way for her to collect herself, ready herself for what will be coming.
She kissed and hugged me and was ready to go in. Of course, she was not really ready to stand in line, but moderately ready and kinda excited is a huge leap forward.
Yahoo!
My big girl starts school today as well. Teaching third grade in a dual language class in Far Rockaway Queens. I can't wait to get the report of that first day and I am sending so much love and support to her for a fine first day.
Julia and I woke up early and put on her listening therapy while I took my shower. She dressed upstairs without a problem and asked for pigtails in her hair. She was excited to see Christy! She was even more excited when we were walking to school -- yes, walking -- and Amy passed us in her car and stopped to say hi.
Back to the house, Julia seemed ready and willing to eat and get ready. She was very interested in what was for lunch and loved having a little bowl of leftover (from her thermos) noodles. Yes, school was ready to begin.
We had a good walk to school. I am so pleased that walking to the camp bus paved the way for this. Julia put her backpack down on Christy's white dot (the place where the class lines up) and went to swing. The buses came, the bell rang, teacher carrying balloons came out and Julia hugged Christy and Amy. She had lots to say and went through at least a half dozen movies that she had watched this summer. Julia was pleased to see her friends. Although Cynthia is in another class, Julia went to hug her and then hugged lots of returning kids to Christy's class. She got Aaron and Seth mixed up (as do I).
Julia did have a minute when the bus kids were streaming into the playground when she went to stand by one of the walls with her back to the coming throng. She has done this before, especially with Abby -- taken a moment -- and maybe this is a way for her to collect herself, ready herself for what will be coming.
She kissed and hugged me and was ready to go in. Of course, she was not really ready to stand in line, but moderately ready and kinda excited is a huge leap forward.
Yahoo!
My big girl starts school today as well. Teaching third grade in a dual language class in Far Rockaway Queens. I can't wait to get the report of that first day and I am sending so much love and support to her for a fine first day.
30 August 2008
Saturday at the end of summer
Today was really a perfect Madison end of summer day. We started out at the Farmers' Market. The sky was incredibly blue with only a few whispy clouds that Julia pronounced she didn't like. Contrary child that she can be. It was still cool when we started out and there was a plethora of vegies, fruits and beautiful, beautiful flowers. Late summer and early fall farmer's markets are the best. I bought some tomitillos, cilantro, and sweet peppers for salsa, some cabbage for stuffing during the week, tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers for our salads, a cookie for Julia, and a maple lollipop just before we left. Julia made it around the whole square without fuss. Ah, time is changing. Last year at this time, we were wondering if we could ever shop on the square on Saturdays. I bought some Obama buttons -- an "Obama Girl" for Julia and an "arrogant elitist for Obama" for David.Julia and I went swimming in the afternoon. The pool closes tomorrow and it was a lovely day to be in the water. Actually I think we got more sun yesterday and today than we got during our entire east coast journey. The hot sun felt good, the water was great -- water never gets that warm in Wisconsin. Julia went down the slide with me twice. In the beginning of the summer she went down the slide, got flipped around while going down, got scared and decided never to go on the slide again. Doing it today brought her summer full circle.
At the pool, we met some of the kids who Julia went to camp with. Thalia & her dad who owned this house before us, and Julia V. and her mom with another kid. The girls are all 6 and 7 and going into first grade like Julia, and Julia was very excited to see them. Unfortunately, the girls were into talking and Julia is not. It breaks my heart to see Julia try so hard and just not get it. She is so plucky though. She teased Thalia and the others for a bit and then went in the pool and looked for someone else to play with. Last year, Julia wanted me to play with her all the time. Right now, she will play with me now and then, but prefers to go in alone and trol for friends. Today, she met with some luck. She found a little girl who wanted to play with the ball the Julia had brought. They threw the ball and swam to get it. At one point, there three little boys started splashing them and they "fought" back. This is the kind of play that Julia can engage in.Nick and Thalia left with the other neighbor and her kids. They were all going to Nick's house where the kids were going to play on a trampoline. Nick asked us to join them, but I demured. I could see that Thalia was not interested in having Julia come over and I didn't want to push Julia on her. They might be friends at some point in the future.
For supper, we went to Taste of Madison. Another event! Lots of restaurants put up stands around the square and serve food for under $4 a plate. Julia had a great little steak or nu-nu from a steak house stand; we also had Thia food, great onion rings, and some Indian. Julia had Superman Ice Cream for desert.
We had two baloon incidents today. LOL. Both on the square. There is a baloon man on the square during the farmers' market. He made Julia a red snake was scary green eyes. Okay, this was not a complicated baloon animal, but Julia liked it. As we walked around the square, David took control of the snake let it touch, just touch, the cement and boom, it was gone. Julia was sad and pouted a bit was a pretty good sport about her snake. Then, at supper Julia was given a red baloon that we tied onto her wrist. Of course, she wanted to take it off her wrist and she did and it floated up and away. We watched it go until we couldn't see it anymore. Julia wanted it to come back to her and strangely enough, as we were getting out ice cream, two women were trying to blow up another red baloon and let it go. It landed at Julia's feet and she was sure it was her baloon come back to her. The women told her to keep it and Julia was thrilled. So much for teaching her that a released baloon never comes back. Then again, maybe she was discovering the magic of a baloon.
29 August 2008
Our second family day
Two years ago today Xiao Zhi Kuang became Julia ZhiKuang Buchko Schanker in the eyes of the People's Republic of China. We had known Julia for close to 24 hours, worried about her behavior, and fallen in love with the little girl whose picture we had stared at for five months.
Today, Julia and I had a lovely end of summer day. We watched Sesame Street over breakfast, finished cleaning up and sorting all of her little toys into new and/or different plastic boxes, then went to our community pool where we ate our packed lunch and swam for most of the afternoon. We came home before David arrived home from work, and Julia played with her toys. Once he was home we decided to go to a Dance. Yes, indeedy, there are Dane (County) Dances in August. This was the first one that we went to. It was on the roof at our Ovature Center, a concert venue that sits on one of the lakes. The view was great, the weather perfect. There were food venders for our supper and a great band with lots of people around for dancing. Julia wanted to dance close to the band, but close to the band was close to the speakers and that was too loud for her. We went to the back of the dance space and had a great time. I swung her around, had her doing circles under my arm, and jumped around with her. Julia insisted that she dance with me and with David and then insisted that David and I dance.
This wonderful child, full of challenges and full of surprises. This child who molds our days and who has changed our family in many way. This child is ours and we are hers. How glorious that is.
Other Julia happenings:
Julia was not particularly excited to visit her school yesterday, but she hugged Christy when she saw her and talked and talked to her. She went around the familiar classroom (Julia's teacher, Christy, is teaching a K-1 class this year and we are sooo pleased that Julia is in this class), touching, playing, saying hi to kids she knew and new kids. There is another adopted Chinese girl in her class. I've spoken with her father at the beginning of the summer. Julia went up to the little girl and welcomed her into the class. By the time it was ready to go into the playground for popcicles, Julia was having fun. This morning she asked me when I was going to let her go to school again. This is not wild enthusiam, but it is definite interest. Yahoo!
Julia and I played a short matching game today. I put out 8 cards at a time and when we got down to 2 cards I put out six more. Julia was able to turn over two at a time, remember where certain matches sometimes, and took pleasure in piling up her matching cards.
Our speech therapist, Carol, is retiring at the end of September. I am thrilled for her. She has been great with Julia and has compared notes with our OT therapist which has been wonderful. She will be so missed.
We visited a family therapist, Lance Woods, who has worked with adopted kids, kids who have experienced trauma, and kids on the spectrum. I am hoping to do attachment therapy with him and to understand more of Julia. We told him that our concerns were Julia's anger, especially towards me, and her inability really relax or nap. I am feeling like that second concern is about hypervilence. I don't know how feeling about this therapist. I did not immediately connect with him. He told us that kids with attachment issues never really recover and that we may never have the same relationship with Julia that we have with Cheshire. This may be the truth. I don't know. Possibility this is a reality that he feels he needs to tell new clients. To me, it is needlessly pessimistic. And I believe that our relationship with Julia is pretty good, not perfect, and we have work to do to make it truly and fully loving, but we have come so far.
On another front: I still have a laptop with a virus. I am giving up trying to do something about it myself and surrender it to the official geeks to be cleaned and serviced. I am not writing emails and not using any of my other programs. I hope to be up to speed again before long.
Today, Julia and I had a lovely end of summer day. We watched Sesame Street over breakfast, finished cleaning up and sorting all of her little toys into new and/or different plastic boxes, then went to our community pool where we ate our packed lunch and swam for most of the afternoon. We came home before David arrived home from work, and Julia played with her toys. Once he was home we decided to go to a Dance. Yes, indeedy, there are Dane (County) Dances in August. This was the first one that we went to. It was on the roof at our Ovature Center, a concert venue that sits on one of the lakes. The view was great, the weather perfect. There were food venders for our supper and a great band with lots of people around for dancing. Julia wanted to dance close to the band, but close to the band was close to the speakers and that was too loud for her. We went to the back of the dance space and had a great time. I swung her around, had her doing circles under my arm, and jumped around with her. Julia insisted that she dance with me and with David and then insisted that David and I dance.
This wonderful child, full of challenges and full of surprises. This child who molds our days and who has changed our family in many way. This child is ours and we are hers. How glorious that is.
Other Julia happenings:
Julia was not particularly excited to visit her school yesterday, but she hugged Christy when she saw her and talked and talked to her. She went around the familiar classroom (Julia's teacher, Christy, is teaching a K-1 class this year and we are sooo pleased that Julia is in this class), touching, playing, saying hi to kids she knew and new kids. There is another adopted Chinese girl in her class. I've spoken with her father at the beginning of the summer. Julia went up to the little girl and welcomed her into the class. By the time it was ready to go into the playground for popcicles, Julia was having fun. This morning she asked me when I was going to let her go to school again. This is not wild enthusiam, but it is definite interest. Yahoo!
Julia and I played a short matching game today. I put out 8 cards at a time and when we got down to 2 cards I put out six more. Julia was able to turn over two at a time, remember where certain matches sometimes, and took pleasure in piling up her matching cards.
Our speech therapist, Carol, is retiring at the end of September. I am thrilled for her. She has been great with Julia and has compared notes with our OT therapist which has been wonderful. She will be so missed.
We visited a family therapist, Lance Woods, who has worked with adopted kids, kids who have experienced trauma, and kids on the spectrum. I am hoping to do attachment therapy with him and to understand more of Julia. We told him that our concerns were Julia's anger, especially towards me, and her inability really relax or nap. I am feeling like that second concern is about hypervilence. I don't know how feeling about this therapist. I did not immediately connect with him. He told us that kids with attachment issues never really recover and that we may never have the same relationship with Julia that we have with Cheshire. This may be the truth. I don't know. Possibility this is a reality that he feels he needs to tell new clients. To me, it is needlessly pessimistic. And I believe that our relationship with Julia is pretty good, not perfect, and we have work to do to make it truly and fully loving, but we have come so far.
On another front: I still have a laptop with a virus. I am giving up trying to do something about it myself and surrender it to the official geeks to be cleaned and serviced. I am not writing emails and not using any of my other programs. I hope to be up to speed again before long.
22 August 2008
Travel Day is Thursday!
(Written during our traveling) Julia and I are in Newark airport waiting to board a plane to Atlanta and another to Milwaukee. David should be at the end of the line and bring us home. Three weeks of vacation is enough for Julia, and for me. She wants her Daddy and her Puppy House. I want David and to sleep in my own bed. And a few minutes of quiet for myself. Parenting Julia for three weeks in hotels, homes, and all over Pittsburgh, Jersey, New York, and Maryland has been exhausting, but so curiously, I have enjoyed almost all of it. I see such growth in her every day. It is astounding to be present for her and with her. She is learning to depend more on me, and on David also, for emotional support. And after almost two years, I feel like I know something about this daughter of mine.
Julia opens her eyes wide when she searches for mine. She meets my eyes easier and she initiates the meetings more often. She has so much more to say – I am repeating myself over and over, but her language continues to change. She is asking questions, and her ‘wanting to talk’ has taken on a more direct and longer scenario.
Julia: Babja.
Babja: (Is not listening.)
Julia: Babja
Babja: Yes, Julia.
Julia: I want talk to you.
Babja: Okay.
Julia: (Quiet now)
Me: Julia what do you want to say to Babja?
Julia: I want . . . I want . . . I want . . . . talk ‘bout pets.
So this is not brilliant conversation yet, but she is closer. Last night, she also interrupted me in the car when I was talking to my mother. She said, "Julia want to talk Mommy." I see in this a recognition that I am doing something that interferes with Julia’s ability to talk to me – there are things going on outside of her. She is seeing that she is not the world in toto.
Today, our late morning plane is cancelled because of some leaking hydraulics, and she tells David on the phone, "We late because plane is broken," capturing the message and relaying it to the person who needs to know. We change our flight, have some lunch (and thank goodness she is willing to eat chicken fingers – not a favorite – and a salad, have a bit of candy – sour and green – , and sit quietly to watch a movie. We were lucky to decide to get off the broken plane at the first mention that the air conditioning was to be turned off and to move to the forming line behind just a few people who were inquiring about connecting flights. We waited pretty patiently, got our later flights, and found somewhere to eat lunch, and then seats to watch a movie on the little DVD player. She gives me time to write, and I write and take breaks to watch some important movie scene with her or to talk about broken planes, mommy and daddy planes, and just where Daddy is right now. She also asks where Cheshire went, where Abby is, and if Michael is going to school.
It is almost 8 pm and Julia and I are now bound for Milwaukee. We are above the clouds and have a view of the sunset that is magical. Julia is watching Spirited Away and I will join her soon. She has been such a good traveler today. She has moved and changed when necessary, she has waited on lines and eaten what was available. She has not complained, whined, or tantrumed. She has been cheery, has talked to strangers (especially one guy who wore a golden dragon and white tiger on his shirt) and followed my direction. She has also yawned a few times in the last few minutes. I am so happy and proud of her behavior.
Julia opens her eyes wide when she searches for mine. She meets my eyes easier and she initiates the meetings more often. She has so much more to say – I am repeating myself over and over, but her language continues to change. She is asking questions, and her ‘wanting to talk’ has taken on a more direct and longer scenario.
Julia: Babja.
Babja: (Is not listening.)
Julia: Babja
Babja: Yes, Julia.
Julia: I want talk to you.
Babja: Okay.
Julia: (Quiet now)
Me: Julia what do you want to say to Babja?
Julia: I want . . . I want . . . I want . . . . talk ‘bout pets.
So this is not brilliant conversation yet, but she is closer. Last night, she also interrupted me in the car when I was talking to my mother. She said, "Julia want to talk Mommy." I see in this a recognition that I am doing something that interferes with Julia’s ability to talk to me – there are things going on outside of her. She is seeing that she is not the world in toto.
Today, our late morning plane is cancelled because of some leaking hydraulics, and she tells David on the phone, "We late because plane is broken," capturing the message and relaying it to the person who needs to know. We change our flight, have some lunch (and thank goodness she is willing to eat chicken fingers – not a favorite – and a salad, have a bit of candy – sour and green – , and sit quietly to watch a movie. We were lucky to decide to get off the broken plane at the first mention that the air conditioning was to be turned off and to move to the forming line behind just a few people who were inquiring about connecting flights. We waited pretty patiently, got our later flights, and found somewhere to eat lunch, and then seats to watch a movie on the little DVD player. She gives me time to write, and I write and take breaks to watch some important movie scene with her or to talk about broken planes, mommy and daddy planes, and just where Daddy is right now. She also asks where Cheshire went, where Abby is, and if Michael is going to school.
It is almost 8 pm and Julia and I are now bound for Milwaukee. We are above the clouds and have a view of the sunset that is magical. Julia is watching Spirited Away and I will join her soon. She has been such a good traveler today. She has moved and changed when necessary, she has waited on lines and eaten what was available. She has not complained, whined, or tantrumed. She has been cheery, has talked to strangers (especially one guy who wore a golden dragon and white tiger on his shirt) and followed my direction. She has also yawned a few times in the last few minutes. I am so happy and proud of her behavior.
A visit with MiaoMiao!
It is still hard to have Julia stand side by side with her peers and for me to make any comparison. Why I still find need to compare her to anyone is a good question. If I am expecting her to develop into such an individual, her only measure is what she did yesterday and what she will do tomorrow.Yesterday, we visited Julia’s orphanage sister, MiaoMiao. I drove to Pennsylvania and we spent about 4 hours with MiaoMiao, her sisters, and mother. I am so very glad that her mother wants us to stay in touch and keep up some kind of relationship for the girls, but I am worried some. MiaoMiao, a year and a half younger and home about 6 months less than Julia, is far beyond Julia in her maturity, her communication and social skills, her use of her intelligence. She accepted Julia and played with her. Julia was first uncomfortable – sitting on the front lawn of the house as MiaoMiao danced around her – and then very happy to see her, but will/was MiaoMiao embarrassed or disappointed by her friend’s behavior. Does she think that Julia is a baby, unable to understand her, stupid? Julia is who she is and is making the progress that she is making. I want to continue to be in touch with MiaoMiao, albeit on a very limited basis because of our distance, I want to save the friendship so that they both have it when they are grown. I do have a bit of fear that Julia will be rejected.
Cheshire said, that she perceived some discomfort in MiaoMiao. Cheshire compared it to my relationship with Carolina, almost mute with alzheimer’s – that I am living, moving on, going past my dear friend, and she is frozen where she is, no longer able to be anything more than be physically present and my friend only in memory which may be all mine. The relationship between Julia and MiaoMiao is not so dramatic, but I can patiently visit Carolina and do what I can to connect, be sad, but still be there. My question is whether MiaoMiao can be that patient with Julia.
Julia and MiaoMiao played dress up, which Julia rarely does. She was a princess, and then a ballerina. MiaoMiao put a braid in Julia’s hair, and presented her handiwork, mentioning how she dressed and braided Julia. Julia very happily explored her friend’s house and room, and played with her toys and her sisters. It was interesting to see Julia and MiaoMiao play together with the same kind of tiny toys – poly pocket instead of little pets – both of them seem to have an interest in the very small. MiaoMiao has developed into a girly girl, with dolls and dress up and princesses. Julia tends to sit more on the tom boy side of the fence, although nothing compares to being dressed as a ballerina. When Julia draws figures now, she sometimes adds crossed lines to the shoes which makes the person or animal or fish into someone "doing ballet."
All the girls sat at a big kitchen table to have lunch together – hard boiled eggs, hotdogs, watermelon, and little cupcakes. Julia was in heaven. She tried to direct all the girls, as she does. She was able to answer a few questions that the sisters asked. (She really has her age down pat and answer the "how old are you question" of almost anyone.). Julia and MiaoMiao were referring to each other by their American names most of the time, although neither rejected the other for the names they were called in China.
The girls went to ride bikes on the drive way, and as MiaoMiao rode loops on her two wheeler, Julia struggle on a bike with training wheels. We took a walk around the block with one of the sisters pulling a wagon that Julia and MiaoMiao rode in. What did they talk about? Julia is still so alive in the present, I wonder how she regards MiaoMiao.
When it was time to leave, both girls wanted to stay together, but it was Julia who wanted the extra hugs. MiaoMiao did run to the car and did wave very hard. Oh, I hope they can stay friends.
15 August 2008
Friday
As sweet as our days in Maryland were, today was sad and hard. The main purpose of the day was to deliver the stuff -- bike, a few framed pictures, fake christmas tree, and sundries -- we brought out east for Cheshire to her apartment. We loaded up the car and headed for Brooklyn. On the way, we passed what looked like an old couple taking a walk. It was an old family friend who is younger than David and I wheeling his very ill wife along the sidewalk. His walk mirored his father's at a much older age; his hair almost white. We did not stop but I am almost sure we will see them again before we leave. My mother had told me about their circumstances but it was still a shock to see them.
Later, after dropping Cheshire's stuff off and admiring what she had done with her room -- a soft yellow now with roman shades and pictures on the walls -- we walked 7th Ave in Brooklyn and visited Carolina and David.
Later, after dropping Cheshire's stuff off and admiring what she had done with her room -- a soft yellow now with roman shades and pictures on the walls -- we walked 7th Ave in Brooklyn and visited Carolina and David.
David and Julia in front of Cheshire's brownstone home.
Carolina's alzhiemer's is progressing very rapidly. She has had a recent change of medication and David told us that she was doing better than a few months ago, but there was no sign of recognition, and only mumbling with a few words. At times, she looked in my eyes and started to say something, almost as if, as if there were whole thoughts and a recognition of our whole past, but if she got out two words or if she blinks, the herself that I have always known vanished. Only the shell, the lovely outside of my friend remains. Our visit did not upset her in any way, and again, I took that as a positive sign.
We walked Julia so much today. She was fidgity and alive with interest in all that was around her. Brooklyn is a feast for the senses and she wanted to take it all in. It was very hard to walk with her head turned to where she was walking and to continue when she so wanted to stop after every step to see something or someone new.
David leaves for home tomorrow; Cheshire is still with us. Maybe we will try the Museum of Natural History tomorrow. Maybe we will stop eating tomorrow!
13 August 2008
Julia update
Julia's behavior has been eratic after this long away from home. We have another week to go. This is the longest she has ever been away from home and I am very glad that we are doing it. I hope we hold it together for the rest of our travels.
She is loving the visiting. She hugs and kisses all the relatives, is so excited to play with Michael and Sarah, and tries to get Cheshire's attention whenever possible. She is also trying very hard to start and maintain conversations. She names things and whose house is whose, talks about her favorite movie characters, and talks about what she is making out of clay. She is also willing to do her writing work and to do the listening therapy. We are not making great strides in anything but the fact that we can keep our work going and Julia can keep talking, I feel very good about the traveling time.
She is loving the visiting. She hugs and kisses all the relatives, is so excited to play with Michael and Sarah, and tries to get Cheshire's attention whenever possible. She is also trying very hard to start and maintain conversations. She names things and whose house is whose, talks about her favorite movie characters, and talks about what she is making out of clay. She is also willing to do her writing work and to do the listening therapy. We are not making great strides in anything but the fact that we can keep our work going and Julia can keep talking, I feel very good about the traveling time.
11 August 2008
Short notes
We had a piddling around day with rainy weather to keep us inside or dashing to or from the car. Best part of the day was to get Cheshire with us for a few days. Tomorrow, Maryland and Lisa!
Julia was very fidgety today -- all day and even tonight getting ready to sleep. It seemed impossible for her to be still no matter what she was doing. I know we are not do enough physical stuff for her, but we took two walks and played in two playgrounds. I am hoping the better weather will get us outside more often. The fidgety behavior is such a reminder that Julia is not like everyone else. She needs a sensory diet and she needs help to gain control.
I am reminded that we had a day like this when we were in Door County just before we saw some very visible results from the listening therapy. She is also trying very hard to connect with Cheshire and her Babja (my mother). Her conversations are bizaar sometimes but she tries so hard.
I put the new CD in tonight for 10 minutes.
Julia was very fidgety today -- all day and even tonight getting ready to sleep. It seemed impossible for her to be still no matter what she was doing. I know we are not do enough physical stuff for her, but we took two walks and played in two playgrounds. I am hoping the better weather will get us outside more often. The fidgety behavior is such a reminder that Julia is not like everyone else. She needs a sensory diet and she needs help to gain control.
I am reminded that we had a day like this when we were in Door County just before we saw some very visible results from the listening therapy. She is also trying very hard to connect with Cheshire and her Babja (my mother). Her conversations are bizaar sometimes but she tries so hard.
I put the new CD in tonight for 10 minutes.
10 August 2008
Sunday evening
We have been in Jersey at my mother's house since Friday evening. We have been visiting since we arrived and will be taking tomorrow off. We can use a day to regroup, maybe go swimming, at least spend time in a playground and running around. Our DVD player that we use traveling has broken but Julia has been great traveling in the car. I hope we can replace it this week for the trip home, but I have the feeling that I can occupy her with it.
Julia is still doing the listening therapy twice a day using the same moderation CD. It has been most convenient and practical to do it while we are driving even though Annie had advised us not to do that for awhile. It has worked fine -- no ill effects at all -- so I will continue. We are supposed to introduce a second CD this week.
Julia has been a bit hyper with all the travel and doing nothing but visiting. There has not been a lot for her to do. Thank goodness we brought a few plastic bags of her toys, crayons, and of course clay. She met two little boys during brunch in Brooklyn today, and they had a great time with dinosaurs and little pets. We could use meeting a few kids like that every day.
Today, we spent the afternoon Chinatown. At first, Julia was a bit hesitant about being there, but the shops, the smells, and the food lured her in, and by the end of our visit, she did not want to leave. We managed to be there during a church parade -- the Chinese answer to the San Genareo festival, which is a regular event in Little Italy next door to Chinatown. There were dragon dancers, a Chinese band (Old guys in white hats playing strings, some sort of loud horn, and drums), a ladies' drum band, and groups of kids, families, old men, old ladies, and finally, a statue of the BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary). It was not clear exactly what they were celebrating but it was great fun. Also, in one of the small parks where we found swings and sliding boards, there was singers and musicians doing something that sounded like an opera in Chinese, people doing Ti Chi, men doing a formal wrestling, and lots of kids. We got a good deal of stares -- the old white midwesterners with the crazy Chinese kid. Looking at the kids playing, I can see that Julia is getting to look pretty American in her manner but not completely so. Not like the Chinese American kids there. She still has a bit of China -- a stance, a way of moving, something almost so subtle that it is hard to pin point, but I could see it. So interesting.
We had a lunch of three kinds of noodles and dumplings. Although Julia usually loves dumplings, and these were wonderful (thin skins and very fresh), she did not finish even one and gave her full concentration to the noodles. We have braised noodles, fried noodles and cold noodles with sesame sauce. Each was better than the one before. David and I realized how mediocre the Chinese food that we usually get is. And this was not a really special restaurant but it was soooo good. Ah, NYC! Nothing like it at all.
I have no idea of what went through her head. She knew it was not China which was very good. She like being there. I am so happy about that. Sometimes, no most of the time, I wish we had more explaining, more real conversation. Julia is being a bit rough on me. She can be so angry with me. and she talks about hurting me. We have our attachment work cut out for us.
I am on dial up right now and can't post pictures. I may have to wait until I am home to add any to these posts.
Julia is still doing the listening therapy twice a day using the same moderation CD. It has been most convenient and practical to do it while we are driving even though Annie had advised us not to do that for awhile. It has worked fine -- no ill effects at all -- so I will continue. We are supposed to introduce a second CD this week.
Julia has been a bit hyper with all the travel and doing nothing but visiting. There has not been a lot for her to do. Thank goodness we brought a few plastic bags of her toys, crayons, and of course clay. She met two little boys during brunch in Brooklyn today, and they had a great time with dinosaurs and little pets. We could use meeting a few kids like that every day.
Today, we spent the afternoon Chinatown. At first, Julia was a bit hesitant about being there, but the shops, the smells, and the food lured her in, and by the end of our visit, she did not want to leave. We managed to be there during a church parade -- the Chinese answer to the San Genareo festival, which is a regular event in Little Italy next door to Chinatown. There were dragon dancers, a Chinese band (Old guys in white hats playing strings, some sort of loud horn, and drums), a ladies' drum band, and groups of kids, families, old men, old ladies, and finally, a statue of the BVM (Blessed Virgin Mary). It was not clear exactly what they were celebrating but it was great fun. Also, in one of the small parks where we found swings and sliding boards, there was singers and musicians doing something that sounded like an opera in Chinese, people doing Ti Chi, men doing a formal wrestling, and lots of kids. We got a good deal of stares -- the old white midwesterners with the crazy Chinese kid. Looking at the kids playing, I can see that Julia is getting to look pretty American in her manner but not completely so. Not like the Chinese American kids there. She still has a bit of China -- a stance, a way of moving, something almost so subtle that it is hard to pin point, but I could see it. So interesting.
We had a lunch of three kinds of noodles and dumplings. Although Julia usually loves dumplings, and these were wonderful (thin skins and very fresh), she did not finish even one and gave her full concentration to the noodles. We have braised noodles, fried noodles and cold noodles with sesame sauce. Each was better than the one before. David and I realized how mediocre the Chinese food that we usually get is. And this was not a really special restaurant but it was soooo good. Ah, NYC! Nothing like it at all.
I have no idea of what went through her head. She knew it was not China which was very good. She like being there. I am so happy about that. Sometimes, no most of the time, I wish we had more explaining, more real conversation. Julia is being a bit rough on me. She can be so angry with me. and she talks about hurting me. We have our attachment work cut out for us.
I am on dial up right now and can't post pictures. I may have to wait until I am home to add any to these posts.
07 August 2008
Thursday
It is hard to write everything -- even the important things. Sometimes I am not disciplined enough to delve into the behavior, the doings, the learnings that will show me what Julia is learning and how she is developing. I favor instead easy tellings of events of our days. And then, sometimes all I can write is the events and that has to be enough. Breaking through to a place where I write what matters, what I can really learn from, and what can help Julia in the future is where I want to be.
Julia's behavior has been better on this trip than on any other. She does ask about going back to her house and every so often is not pleased that it will be almost two weeks before we are home. She is testy and stubborn at times, sometimes even sitting down on the ground or shouting "no" to make her point, but she is quickly talked down from this impulsive behavior. She is also much more concerned about how I feel. She asks if I am angry or sad, she tells me that she is happy in order to please me. This solicitous behavior alternates with a defiance towards me and a rejection of anything that I say. Tonight, we were working on two letters -- P and R -- and I was trying to have her draw the main line of the letter and then put in the half circle. She did not want to make the letters this way, and yet she seemed to know that her way of making the letters -- drawing a circle and then a line down -- just didn't look like the letters. She has done this sort of this before and at times I've gotten frustrated. Tonight, I kept at her in a calm and steady voice and manner. I told her how I knew she could do it. I told her that she had to listen and do as I say because my way would enable her to make her letters correctly. I told her how smart she was and that listening to me and following my directions would make her smarter. How much did her understand? I am not sure, but this constant patter allowed her to give in in some way and to do what I asked of her.
Julia has also been favoring David when ever he is with us. I know that she gets much more of me than of him, and she enjoys being Daddy's girl, but I feel like she does reject me whenever she can. I don't take this personally. Just maybe this is an attachment issue that we need to work on. Poor David! These last five nights, she has slept in a double bed with him while I have the other bed to myself.
And oh, she loves staying up late! That girl can keep on going way past what I remember Cheshire doing. She will almost never fall asleep anywhere but in bed and anytime but at night. This concerns me to the extent that she might be staying viligent and not allowing her self to rest anytime during the day.
We have been pretty good keeping up with her brushing and theraputic listening during this week. I will be starting her on a new CD later this week. Just 10 minutes during one of the half hour listening times. We'll see what changes it brings.
Julia's behavior has been better on this trip than on any other. She does ask about going back to her house and every so often is not pleased that it will be almost two weeks before we are home. She is testy and stubborn at times, sometimes even sitting down on the ground or shouting "no" to make her point, but she is quickly talked down from this impulsive behavior. She is also much more concerned about how I feel. She asks if I am angry or sad, she tells me that she is happy in order to please me. This solicitous behavior alternates with a defiance towards me and a rejection of anything that I say. Tonight, we were working on two letters -- P and R -- and I was trying to have her draw the main line of the letter and then put in the half circle. She did not want to make the letters this way, and yet she seemed to know that her way of making the letters -- drawing a circle and then a line down -- just didn't look like the letters. She has done this sort of this before and at times I've gotten frustrated. Tonight, I kept at her in a calm and steady voice and manner. I told her how I knew she could do it. I told her that she had to listen and do as I say because my way would enable her to make her letters correctly. I told her how smart she was and that listening to me and following my directions would make her smarter. How much did her understand? I am not sure, but this constant patter allowed her to give in in some way and to do what I asked of her.
Julia has also been favoring David when ever he is with us. I know that she gets much more of me than of him, and she enjoys being Daddy's girl, but I feel like she does reject me whenever she can. I don't take this personally. Just maybe this is an attachment issue that we need to work on. Poor David! These last five nights, she has slept in a double bed with him while I have the other bed to myself.
And oh, she loves staying up late! That girl can keep on going way past what I remember Cheshire doing. She will almost never fall asleep anywhere but in bed and anytime but at night. This concerns me to the extent that she might be staying viligent and not allowing her self to rest anytime during the day.
We have been pretty good keeping up with her brushing and theraputic listening during this week. I will be starting her on a new CD later this week. Just 10 minutes during one of the half hour listening times. We'll see what changes it brings.
02 August 2008
Saturday thoughts
So often, there is a comment to a post that essentially says, 'I used to do that behavior,' 'I needed that particular comfort,' 'I still feel the need to ____ and I am normal.' I find myself thinking and feeling the same way. I like the feel of No. 2 pencils on a page for any sort of writing, I love my heavy quilt in the winter, certain music changes theway that I feel. And I really loved the way that crayons feel when they are very warm and coloring on warm paper. Julia has her own set of sensory needs and they are intensified. The longer that she has been home, the less “odd” or out of the ordinary her responses are to sensory stimulation, and the more her behavior corresponds to the “range of normal” reactions. She still needs hugs and a lap for the siren of an ambulance or a fire truck, and still needs a heavier quilt, at least at home, to feel comfortable. I wonder if this easing into the normal range of response to sensory input is changing something in her core, or if it is some basic changes in her core that pushes her behavior into the normal zone?
The new normal: I wrote a response to a post on the yahoo Attach-China board that touched upon how, as parents of kids with special needs, we must go through the mourning of the child we had dreamed of and set the new normal. By no means do I mean, that my new normal for Julia is defined by diminished expectations. I expect her to do her best and reach the highest heights of her abilities, but I do not expect to treat Julia like a child of her chronological age any time soon. I do miss the possiblity of talking to a 7 year old like Cheshre or the myriad of children who I have known at 7. I also do worry at times that we will never get to a real conversation, but concentrating on the here and now, I engage Julia is familiar conversation about lunch, her day, her pets. My worry is reciprocity and most of the time Julia doesn't ask me anything. Every so often she will ask if I am okay, or something about food, or something about the dog. It is a beginning and renews hope.
I wonder how long I will be talking to Julia as a 3-4 year old. I get an incling of loving and caring for serverely differently able people, something that I never let myself understand. I took it as a given that when I was a child, I was less loveable, less acceptable because of my differences. I see now how not necessarily true that is. I could love Julia no more if she was in any way different from what she is right now.
I love packing for travel. The winnowing down of possessions to the essentials – more winnowing when we travel by plane, but engaging enough when there will be limited space in the car for baggage. Julia's books, toys, movies, and music. How much reading should I brng for myself? Can I make myself read the whole of a philosophy book by bringing nothing else? And snacks? Do we need them? Am I bringing the exact same clothes that I wore last year? So, I don't think about this often at all. And if anyone took care to notice, they might see that all our trip pictures had me in the same outfits, changed only due to season and weather. Yes, that sweater is 20 years old! Yes, I took that shirt to China in 2006, to Vietnam in 2001, and probably to England in 1999. Either I tend to wear clasic clothes or I am dreadfully out of style.
The new normal: I wrote a response to a post on the yahoo Attach-China board that touched upon how, as parents of kids with special needs, we must go through the mourning of the child we had dreamed of and set the new normal. By no means do I mean, that my new normal for Julia is defined by diminished expectations. I expect her to do her best and reach the highest heights of her abilities, but I do not expect to treat Julia like a child of her chronological age any time soon. I do miss the possiblity of talking to a 7 year old like Cheshre or the myriad of children who I have known at 7. I also do worry at times that we will never get to a real conversation, but concentrating on the here and now, I engage Julia is familiar conversation about lunch, her day, her pets. My worry is reciprocity and most of the time Julia doesn't ask me anything. Every so often she will ask if I am okay, or something about food, or something about the dog. It is a beginning and renews hope.
I wonder how long I will be talking to Julia as a 3-4 year old. I get an incling of loving and caring for serverely differently able people, something that I never let myself understand. I took it as a given that when I was a child, I was less loveable, less acceptable because of my differences. I see now how not necessarily true that is. I could love Julia no more if she was in any way different from what she is right now.
I love packing for travel. The winnowing down of possessions to the essentials – more winnowing when we travel by plane, but engaging enough when there will be limited space in the car for baggage. Julia's books, toys, movies, and music. How much reading should I brng for myself? Can I make myself read the whole of a philosophy book by bringing nothing else? And snacks? Do we need them? Am I bringing the exact same clothes that I wore last year? So, I don't think about this often at all. And if anyone took care to notice, they might see that all our trip pictures had me in the same outfits, changed only due to season and weather. Yes, that sweater is 20 years old! Yes, I took that shirt to China in 2006, to Vietnam in 2001, and probably to England in 1999. Either I tend to wear clasic clothes or I am dreadfully out of style.
30 July 2008
Bumps in the road, but WE ARE ON A ROAD!
Ah, just when things seem to be going smoothly, bumps happen!
1. We really think the listening therapy is helping Julia organize herself -- does that make sense? We had some really figity days this weekend and to my eyes Julia's behavior was very autistic-like. Then, yesterday she seemed to calm down. David even commented that she seems like another child. She seems to be inhabiting more of her body. She is also building her vocabulary like crazy -- yesterday, she was upset not angry. This morning she complained about ant bites. When I corrected her that it was the mosquitos that were biting her, she corrected me and told me, "no, it ants."
So where is the bump here? Well, the headphones that we are using belongs to our rehab center. They loaned them for 2 weeks which already was more than they like to do. I am full ready to plop down my cash and get the kit, but the headphones are on back order until the middle of next month. I was really hoping that we could be using them during this next month. We have therapy today, so I am going to beg.
2. With all this forward movement, something has to give. Right? The give point is sleep. It is taking Julia enormous amounts of time to fall asleep -- starting bedtime reading at 7:45 or so and turning out the light about 8:20, Julia is taking until 9:30-10 to get to sleep. Ach! Since either David or I lay in bed with her until she falls asleep, this really cuts into our adult time. That is, we have NO adult time.
3. Julia is becoming a more discriminating eater. She doesn't want salad every night! She asks for noodles a few times a week; she asks for Nu-nu, meat with fat on it. So, okay, she is becoming a more normal 7 year old, but how soon am I going to be longing for those days when she would eat, without question, anything that was put in front of her?
4. And there is not bump here, but yesterday when I went to pick up Julia, she told me about her day -- well, really her lunch ("no, peanut and jelly any more") and swimming -- and carefully cut in half the twisler that one of the parents had brought for the kids getting off the bus. She was also easy to get going this morning and when we were walking to the bus she saw the bus counselor, Haley, about a half block ahead of us. She called out to Haley and ran all the way to her. This is amazing behavior -- recognition, calling out, deciding to run, and staying on task until she got there and hugged Haley. I guess the bump here is that I really want her to continue with the listening therapy so that she has gotten as much as she can out of it when we start family therapy when we come back from vacation.
1. We really think the listening therapy is helping Julia organize herself -- does that make sense? We had some really figity days this weekend and to my eyes Julia's behavior was very autistic-like. Then, yesterday she seemed to calm down. David even commented that she seems like another child. She seems to be inhabiting more of her body. She is also building her vocabulary like crazy -- yesterday, she was upset not angry. This morning she complained about ant bites. When I corrected her that it was the mosquitos that were biting her, she corrected me and told me, "no, it ants."
So where is the bump here? Well, the headphones that we are using belongs to our rehab center. They loaned them for 2 weeks which already was more than they like to do. I am full ready to plop down my cash and get the kit, but the headphones are on back order until the middle of next month. I was really hoping that we could be using them during this next month. We have therapy today, so I am going to beg.
2. With all this forward movement, something has to give. Right? The give point is sleep. It is taking Julia enormous amounts of time to fall asleep -- starting bedtime reading at 7:45 or so and turning out the light about 8:20, Julia is taking until 9:30-10 to get to sleep. Ach! Since either David or I lay in bed with her until she falls asleep, this really cuts into our adult time. That is, we have NO adult time.
3. Julia is becoming a more discriminating eater. She doesn't want salad every night! She asks for noodles a few times a week; she asks for Nu-nu, meat with fat on it. So, okay, she is becoming a more normal 7 year old, but how soon am I going to be longing for those days when she would eat, without question, anything that was put in front of her?
4. And there is not bump here, but yesterday when I went to pick up Julia, she told me about her day -- well, really her lunch ("no, peanut and jelly any more") and swimming -- and carefully cut in half the twisler that one of the parents had brought for the kids getting off the bus. She was also easy to get going this morning and when we were walking to the bus she saw the bus counselor, Haley, about a half block ahead of us. She called out to Haley and ran all the way to her. This is amazing behavior -- recognition, calling out, deciding to run, and staying on task until she got there and hugged Haley. I guess the bump here is that I really want her to continue with the listening therapy so that she has gotten as much as she can out of it when we start family therapy when we come back from vacation.
25 July 2008
Friday and getting ready for Door County
Julia is in camp this morning and David at work. I dropped the dog at her favorite summer place. This is a great kennel and we love the people that run it. There is a gallery where we can view pictures of our pooch's vacation. :) Latkah's picture is not up yet, but I am sure it will be soon.
Anyway, I have packing and straightening and hopefully we leave about one. We wil pick Julia up and wisk her away.
Door County is in the north east tip of Wisconsin -- sort of like Maine or Cape Cod, at least this is what I have been led to believe. I am hoping for less mosquitoes -- lumps on lumps these days for both Julia and I. We are staying at the Nordic Lodge and hope to walk the lake and bay beaches, amble down quaint streets, and eat some good food. David is really looking forward to the break -- our pre-vacation, vacation.
Julia's behavior this morning was very good. We did get the to the bus stop first -- the bus was there but no other families. I wondered whether this has anything to do with her behavior. We eased into school last year by going to the playground early and swinging. Maybe it is the security of being the first at a place and in some way marking her turf. She did greet everyone who arrived and rambled on about what was on her mind. All the parents were giving her thumbs up for getting on the bus without a problem.
Anyway, I have packing and straightening and hopefully we leave about one. We wil pick Julia up and wisk her away.
Door County is in the north east tip of Wisconsin -- sort of like Maine or Cape Cod, at least this is what I have been led to believe. I am hoping for less mosquitoes -- lumps on lumps these days for both Julia and I. We are staying at the Nordic Lodge and hope to walk the lake and bay beaches, amble down quaint streets, and eat some good food. David is really looking forward to the break -- our pre-vacation, vacation.
Julia's behavior this morning was very good. We did get the to the bus stop first -- the bus was there but no other families. I wondered whether this has anything to do with her behavior. We eased into school last year by going to the playground early and swinging. Maybe it is the security of being the first at a place and in some way marking her turf. She did greet everyone who arrived and rambled on about what was on her mind. All the parents were giving her thumbs up for getting on the bus without a problem.
24 July 2008
Thursday
I guess I am going to have to contend with Julia using all her power to disrupt the camp bus in the morning for another week. Camp ends for us at the end of next week and it seems that Julia has build up a ritual of refusing to get on the bus at the last minute before it leaves. One might suggest that we lure her on before the other kids, but that is not possible because of bus rules. I think it is an exertion of control of which she has so little. The first time she did it, I was really flustered, but now that she has done it so often, the bus counselors and I are not phased by it at all. I talk, they talk, sooner or later, she stands up and gets on the bus and resumes her happy demeanor.
We are into out second week of trial for the listening therapy and I need to keep notes on what might be attributed to using it.
1. In the car this morning, Julia told me very calmly and succiently that she loved her little dog, Latkah, that she wanted to pet her, and that she wanted Latkah to stay at the puppy house. Julia has never had an easy relationship with the dog, rather it is one of fear and sibling rivalry. I wonder if this change of mind heralds a new time for Latkah.
2. It was easy to get out this morning. Julia did not take issue with hair being done, teeth brushed, or head phones put on.
We are into out second week of trial for the listening therapy and I need to keep notes on what might be attributed to using it.
1. In the car this morning, Julia told me very calmly and succiently that she loved her little dog, Latkah, that she wanted to pet her, and that she wanted Latkah to stay at the puppy house. Julia has never had an easy relationship with the dog, rather it is one of fear and sibling rivalry. I wonder if this change of mind heralds a new time for Latkah.
2. It was easy to get out this morning. Julia did not take issue with hair being done, teeth brushed, or head phones put on.
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