This is not a happy post and I thought about not putting it down here. Instead, I wrote most of it in an email to someone who has adopted and who does not mind my occasional whines. I never want to be negative or blue about Julia's prospects but I do want to be truthful. The reason that I write here is for myself and for Julia but also for those who consider older kid adoption and who need to know the ups and downs, even when the downs come with some frequency. And so I write . . . .
Cheshire left yesterday. Julia was able to say good bye and tell Cheshire that she would miss her without any prompting at all. I miss her already. I do wish she was closer -- Chicago, a two+ hour ride away would do it. I think she does too. I mean she says that she wants to be closer to home although it just may be that she is having such a tough year.
I was impressed that Julia thought to say she would miss Cheshire. I think she knows what that means and she did not sound like she was just repeating something from a script that she knows.
Julia's behavior the past few days has been getting worse and worse. I know it is transitions, maybe some reaction to the attention we give to Cheshire when she is home, maybe some backlash of the holidays but it has set me to thinking about her delays/challenges as permanent. I mean, what if she is never able to negotiate school, the social scene, life by herself and always needs family and professional help. Since she came home, I have been operating on the theory that she will catch up, catch on, and grow into something close to a normal functioning adult. What if she never does? I had not given up or mourned the loss of real conversation (she has never asked about her birthmother or her adoption), of adventure (treckking in Costa Rica, days in the Louvre), or of witnessing her decision making and taking the first steps on her own. And there are her awful, angry moods, she is not even a teenager yet. Cheshire could hate me at times during her teen years -- what of a child who wants to hurt me now at 7? Although I prepared for lots of challenges when we brought Julia home, and although I love her with my whole heart, I never contemplated life with a permanently, disabled adult. I have bent my life around Julia and willing have done that with so much love, but forever? I stand with mouth wide open.
That's where my head is today.
2 comments:
I understand. It is very hard to not project ahead. I do think that a genuine emotional reaction is cause to celebrate. Savor the incremental progress. I know your thoughts and feelings may feel lonely but I promise that you are not alone! Wish I could cheer you up but sometimes expressing our fears and dark concerns is healing. There is a need for a more balanced perspective on older child adoptions. Thank you for your honest perspective.
I understand, too. I wish I had words of wisdom but I have days like yours, too. Just know that you aren't alone.
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