A wonderous and hard day yesterday. Leaping all over the place.
I had a good interview with two of the women who run the LEND program. I want the acceptance so badly I can taste it. I don’t dare let my mind wander to projects or topics. I read the descriptions of the year’s work but did not let my imagination take over at all. The interviewers asked if I would like to be placed in a group which would concentrate on autism. Yes, yes, I said and again, had to still my racing imagination. Hopefully, I will find out before we leave for England.
Yesterday’s time with Marilyn was more than exciting! Hard, sad, incredible and exciting. Marilyn pushed Julia to tear by saying that she (Marilyn) saw Julia as a girl and not a dinosaur. Julia broke down almost immediately and climbed into my arms. She sat on my lap while she concentrated on what Marilyn talked to her about. She told Marilyn how much this hurt, how much it hurt to be a girl, and how she preferred to be a dinosaur. She talked about how much she hated her face, what a bad girl she was, and how ugly her skin was when it was scaly. I remember that her docs thought that she had chicken pox before we adopted her. Julia kept my arms around her, and snuggled on my chest at time, but she attended to Marilyn closely. For almost an hour, Marilyn and Julia talked. At the end, Marilyn told Julia that it was was okay to be a dinosaur. It was very good that she was able to protect herself and keep her self safe until her Mommy could come and get her. Marilyn kept saying that Julia could choose to be a girl whenever she wanted to and that she would be safe with me and her Dad. I think that part of Julia wants to go through this process and part of her just doesn’t want to hurt.
I was amazed by how brave by girl was. It breaks my heart to hear her say that she is ugly and bad. How could anyone tell that girl things like that? I will never, ever know.
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