Julia and I sit on the couch. Julia on my lap and in my arms. Instead of cuddling, looking in my eyes, or talking, she starts to hit, scratch and kick. I catch her arms after a few smacks on my face and she complains that I am holding her too tight. I hold her to keep her away from harming me. She starts kicking and I wrap myself around her so she can't do it easily. She screams -- not hysterically, but methodically. She roars, she looks at me, calls me stupid, an idiot, and tells me to shut up. I try very hard to keep my calm, I am not perfect at it. I tell her that we are working on our family. I tell her that I am not leaving or moving no matter what. I tell her that I will love her forever.
This dance goes on and on and I don't really know what to do to change the dynamic. Then, almost as suddenly as it begins, Julia is willing to lay in my arms peacefully. She wants me to stop holding her wrist so that she can hug me. We kiss and then talk about China. Maybe I am crazy but I talk about how when she was in China there was no mommy and daddy to hold her and feed her. I ask her if she was scared when she first me us and she tells me yes. I ask her if she wanted to have a mommy and daddy and again, she says yes. She is paying attention. I ask her if she misses China and she says no emphatically. I ask her if she misses MiaoMiao and she tells me yes. I tell her that I miss MiaoMiao too and that I hope we can see her soon.
We sing two verses of row, row, row you boat, and then give hugs and kisses and get up.
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