This weekend is the last days that our community pool will be open. Julia and I have spent lots of time at the pool and the adjoining big sand pit this summer. Yesterday, I saw this interaction:
Julia went over to two boys about her age who were working on a canal-like structure (we have lots of water available to sand/water play). Julia squatted down next to one of the boys, probably the older of the two.
Julia: Can I play with you?
Boy (looks up for an instant): No.
Julia: Can I watch what you are doing?
Boy (looks up for a longer instant, frowns, and resumes digging): Sure.
Julia then examines, very carefully, what the boys have done. She asks questions about a tunnel they they are working on and then asks if she can begin a hole close to their canal. Watching just her and ignoring the reaction of the boys, I could rejoice in this utterly appropriate behavior.
But for some reason, she is not connecting with them. Is it that she is a girl? That she asked so politely, and in some way so inappropriately? Is it that they are boys and just not interested in interacting with her? Okay, her asking to dig next to their canal was a bit weird – she should have just done it without a question. And she may have been too interested in what they were doing, her questions too probing for the boys.
I rethink the interaction. On the very positive side: Julia used her words. She was polite. She did not get angry when the boy didn't want her to play. Her control was remarkable. She found an alternative that worked for both her and that boy. On the negative side: The boys did not take to Julia. Looking at them, it was very clear that they thought she was weird. I know she is an 8 year old girl approaching an 8 (or so) year old boy. Is that it? I would like another explanation apart from her challenges. And I know that I cannot have one. Julia is still Julia. A bit too over the top; a bit Aspergers, if that makes sense. Too intense? Too interestd? But we can deal with that.
4 comments:
There are several 'isms' there, which cut across the categories that we all make - unconsciously.
You raised sexism (which is especially prelevant in young people).
What about racism (if you haven't considered that one before - that to me would have been the most obvious)? It can take a lifetime to get over intolerance - and then to consider whether it should be got over. (I would say yes, yes, yes: but at a cost).
Guys of 8 love to do things. Not necessarily talk about them. I don't know how propertarial they get about it.
The challenges are not only Julia's, believe me.
Just read the last three weeks of your blog Suzanne. How wonderful that Julia has settled so well into school this year. But how terrible that the insurance company won't pay out the claim.
I think Julia was wonderful with her response to the boys who didn't want her to play with them. It is probably because she is a girl, and perhaps there is also a racist element. Also, most children of this age just wouldn't ask to play with children they don't know.
Good luck with everything. The diet may be working, it may be the intense therapy, but if there is real improvement does it really matter what is causing it? Celebrate the amazing progress.
I stumbled upon the MOST interesting book (I know, another book to read....). It was the fastest book to read and I highly recommend it.
"Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help your child find, make and keep friends" by Fred Frankel PhD.
It's so simple (his premise) but worth its wait in gold. And the concepts are easy to teach.
That interaction was very 'normal'. Think Venus and Mars. Boys don't talk about things, they just "do". Boys don't ask "permission" to play, they just join in, quietly at first, in the area that needs the most "help" (according to Frankel). And that makes perfect sense. :)
Julia is making EXCELENT progress!! It's astonishing to see. Well done, mama!
Best,
Snick :)
Still, very much normal on so many levels.
Yay,Julia.
Love to all,
Traci
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