David today

Need to dump lots of stuff tonight, and I know there will be no sleep for me until I do. And so, to start --

David is getting better -- tonight, without letting me know, they transferred him to step down cardiac care. (Gosh, shouldn't they have let me know?) His "numbers" have been getting better, and he is on less meds for almost everything. His sugar is persistently high, higher than it ever has been, and so he needs more insulin.

I am very concerned, however, that David in incredibly weak. I've read that some people take a long time to recover from gall bladder surgery (David has not had surgery, but that is the only gall bladder information that I can find). He is having trouble feeding himself, cannot stand or move about in bed by himself, and is unable to do things like hold a phone to his ear without letting it slip away. It took two people to get him from the chair to his bed. For the last few days, the med staff has said that it is the effects of sedation but now they are admitting that the sedating drugs should be out of his system by this time. His liver and kidneys are not functioning well, but even so, he should be clear of sedation. I asked whether they thought that David might have had a stroke, and the nurse told me that she has done a neuro exam and he came up okay. So, I take from that, that someone else had thought about the same thing.

David is also not eating. He tells me that he does not like the food that they are offering him and then, I heard him agree to order the same food that he refused to eat for lunch for tomorrow. David is usually not a pushover, especially when it comes to food, and so I am flummoxed here as well. It is also very frustrating for me because I cannot be at the hospital 24/7. Julia was supposed to be my summer companion and although she as at home therapy for hours a week, it is in 2-3 hour increments and that doesn't really spell much time at the hospital. I take her to the hospital at times but only for a short time -- usually I try to make it lunch time when she will have plenty to do -- eat, play, watch a movie. I have asked Cheshire to come home and she will tomorrow night. Maybe she will see everything differently. At least, I will feel that there is someone else to take care of David in the hospital.

But there was a worse part of the day, something that I did not write about in my update email (most of which is what is above). When the PTs were in to give David some exercises, they asked him how many times he had collapsed. He told them twice, but I was sure it was only once, on Saturday night. But that was wrong. He collapsed another time a while ago -- he could not say when -- and did not tell me, and worse, did not tell his docs.

I am furious!

I have been worrying that David has been doing too much -- too much rehab and going straight to work. Too much work. He says he works half time. I think it is more, closer to 3/4. As long as he could do all of this, there was no reason to stop him. When I've asked, he has said he was fine, but he has had a persistent head ache and has been complaining about fatigue, but not enough or to the right people. Neither of these complaints have been checked out.

Is this being macho? Is this being that rugged individual?

I have been living with the assumption that we were on the same team. When docs have asked me questions in the last few days, trusting that I knew how David was doing, I told them what I knew. Now, I am scared that what I said may not have been the truth.

Oh, I feel awful tonight!!! And of course, I cannot talk to the one person who I talk to all the time!! He is too weak to hold that phone.

Scared. Plain scared.