Julia today

As worried and angry as I am about David, I am blessed by my girl. She is still Julia Dinosaur, and her toys are scattered all over the floors, and little bits of paper and material fly about the house as she cuts cards, pictures and dinosaur clothes. And I don't know if I can write tonight about how amazing this child is with the whirlwind of emotions about David flying around my head.

We had a session with Marilyn, and although Julia said that she wasn't going to talk to Marilyn (our attachment therapist), as soon as we got into her room, Julia started talking. She knows that Marilyn will challenge her about her dinosaur status and she is ready to take her on.

First, Julia read her book, "The Day Leo said I Hate You" to Marilyn, but before she finished it, she tested Marilyn about her "name." Marilyn took the bate and they started talked about if Julia was a girl or dinosaur and why. Julia managed to tell Marilyn that people told her she was ugly and bad, that they made her sit in a chair for a long time, that she fell and hurt her head, that she was a bad person, and that they told her to go away. Julia said that she left the orphanage. I wonder if this is true. I've always assumed that Julia was a trouble maker. I wonder if she had that kind of nerve. She has threatened to run away when she is angry at me, but she has never made any sort of an attempt. Julia talked for a long time and then wound up with a pillow in front of her face telling Marilyn that she did not like her. Julia was in my arms or next to me, or touching me somehow the entire time.

Julia does talk and then pull back, like waves on the beach. I hope that it is a bit more each time, that she is going further into her core so that at some point she can come clean and be totally with us. I watch what is taking place and I support her all that I can, but i have no idea how the process works. Marilyn and I have work at and on Julia for about a year and a half and I had no idea of how we were going to get this far. I hoped we could but did not see the path at all. And now, I cannot see how it will all get resolved. I cannot see our path to healing, but I trust that it will come.

We went to the botanical gardens after seeing David. Julia found tadpoles in a water Lilly pond, and she laid on the floor of the Thai Temple to look at the ceiling. A ten month old baby was crawling on that floor and was thrilled to have someone join her. Julia is such an artist. We will have a wild ride if she is able to follow her bliss.

Julia continues to be kind to me, to take care of me. Telling me to put on my music in the car and letting me sing. Oh, she always tells me not to sing. She is being gentle with me, and I am so grateful.