Today, I concentrated on paperwork and spent the day filling out forms, mailing, faxing, visiting the bank, and making copies. All towards the effort of reducing my pile before I leave for England. Did I write yesterday that the funeral director had the death certificates for me -- ah, I think i did. That was what I needed to do the work of the day and I sat myself down first thing this morning and started. I was able to make the outside errand run in the early afternoon and then get back home to pay some bills online -- learned this week and a real pro now -- and do a bit of my mother's estate work. This is, of course, not the end of paperwork for David's estate, but apart from one retirement fund in Indiana and an IRA with our present bank, everything else has the initial information that is called for.
Whew.
Julia, during all this time, had at home therapy all day. She also had a visit/play date with one of the girls she played with last weekend. I would say that it wasn't a perfect play date. Julia does not get the idea of taking turns picking out activities, and one of her therapists who was with them part of time, noticed that Julia was playing like she did a few months ago, not like she usually does now with them, but that is only to be expected.
I haven't gotten a report from the girl's mom. I am dying to know if her daughter will consider coming again when we get back from England. This girl really like dinosaurs and loves to draw and paint. If Julia can let her in just a little bit, there is friend potential here.
Be still my beating heart!
I have laid out a few clothes but the main task of packing will happen tomorrow. Julia will enjoy the time of uninterrupted play. I also hope that I can figure out how to handle our bags. We will be carrying more than usual because of wedding clothes and shoes. I am hoping to get it into a small roll on and a large overnight bag, but that is for tomorrow. Even though these bags will have carry on potential, I will probably check them just so I don't have to deal with them on the plane. Anyway, I think so.
Ummm, maybe not. If I don't check our bags, we will have less of a wait for customs when we land.
And so this day, with its paper work and thoughts of packing ticked away as if it was normal. I realized when I was walking around the square downtown that I was walking slower than usual and objects or places would suddenly jump out reminding me of the last time we were there with David. I am still getting movies from Netflix that David put into the cue. I was full of purpose today but memories pull stray threads from the fabric of the day.
This is going to take a long time. And sometimes, not often and not for long, I want to refuse the process of grieving and returning to life with all of my might! I want to be back at his bedside, never having moved away.
And then that passes. I feel that a mighty disorder has taken over my life, and I know that I just have to live with that feeling until I find order again. This place, Madison, that I like so much, that I have felt a real home, is suddenly not . . . I don't know . . . just not what it was. I would be hard to leave, to leave more of David, but it is hard to be here as well.
Julia is having a hard time falling asleep. She had a hard time yesterday because of fierce thunder storms that rolled across our town. I think she is over tired right now. I think both of us will sleep late tomorrow, and other than packing and the pool, do nothing with our Saturday.
One other thought: My well of sadness is very deep right now but I also have an incredible love that David and I shared for 35 years inside of me. My girl has a well of sadness too, but from neglect and hurtful treatment in China. She has not fully shown her sadness, bits and pieces are coming out now. How much more she must have inside. I hope she deems of a worthy mother to help her bring her sad heart into daylight. I take my cue for strength from this child.
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