Not myself

Really tough day. I am not myself. The talking with the mortgage company left me very alone. Utterly. The only way to get help from them is to be desperate (meaning that many assets are used up) or have enough of an income to not need to refinance. The idea of going to them before either of those situations occur is a waste of time.

I will figure that out.

After our therapists left today, I took Julia in my arms for a hold/cuddle. She essence was rigid; and I knew she needed it. Sure enough, when I took her, she resisted and got angry. She did not want me close. She wanted to push me away. I feel, and this is just my gut, that I must impose myself upon her, keep close to her right now. Not let her stray from me emotionally. She is hurting her loss, and there is a chance that she could close up to me as well to avoid the hurt of losing me. We have worked too hard as a family to let this happen.

As she started talking about missing Daddy and being sad, I started crying. Well, I am not a crier -- Cheshire has only seen me cry a few times, and honestly I don't cry easily. But the tears came. Julia asked why and I told her how much I miss Daddy. She took my face between her hands and told me how much she loved me and gave me a bunch of kisses.

Right or wrong, I have no idea. I don't plan to make a habit of dumping on Julia, but maybe it was good for her to see how much I miss him.

I don't know.

And then there was word from Cheshire that she had lost (or the victim of a thief) her passport, wallet, money, and credit card. She is traveling with friends and she will be fine until Monday when I see her. It struck me that it is in no way surprising that she lost her travel necessities. Even though Cheshire is an expert traveler, and packing her essentials as carefully, if not more, than I do, she is not herself either. I can't wait to see her on Monday.