Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

Julia and I made it through a weekend. At home. Without huge plans. But with some carefully constructed time.

Weekends are somehow harder than week days. In some sense that is surprising to me. I am not working and so every day could be the same. But we have appointments and therapists, and I feel the need to get lists of things done. Somehow weekends are suppose to be different days. Yes, those were the days of doing family activities. Days of strolling, of cooking together, of movies, of afternoon naps, of just spending time together.

Those are tough days to be alone.

And so. So. So. Yesterdays, I finally decided I needed to clean the house! Actually, I decided on Wednesday, but yesterday was the first day I could do it. I cleaned, as Julia played in the morning. And then, she had a play date that grew to the entire afternoon. How wonderful is that! I am so grateful to this little girl who likes Julia. Julia is not the best friend to have right now. Not yet. She is getting there, but not yet. She is still too bossy, and inflexible. But this girl puts up with her. And seems to like her as well. What a gift!

So, cleaning for me, playing for Julia, left overs for dinner and early to bed. And that was very much fine.

And the today, Church, and a visit to the camera store to fix my broken camera, a visit to best buy to buy a cheap substitute until my camera gets fixed, a one-on-one class at the apple store with Julia playing on the kids computer they have set up (after she waited her turn, extremely patiently, i might add), home to finish the first floor cleaning, a short nap, and then dinner with my neighbor. A day filled with small tasks, but a day filled nonetheless. It is what I must do for us on the weekends. At least, for now.

And I can.

I cleared out the box of David's books and hats and a bit more that we used at the memorial service and found a stack of cards that I had never seen or opened. It is still not easy to open those cards, but it is not as hard either.

I am coming to acceptance, not happiness, but some sort of understanding in a pretty deep part of myself that I am alone now. It has been here for awhile but it has been like an open sore. I have not wanted to touch it. The tender place is beginning to heal. Alone is a reality and I am feeling more neutral about it.