Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

Sore throat continues until I get to the airport and buy some cold medicine and lozenges. I could have asked Brad and Anne for something last night, and don’t know why I didn’t. Being sick makes me feel pretty vulnerable.

Vulnerable.

I’ve explained the last year to A FEW people in a casual way. Mother died, two plus years after my father. Now David. And this morning something sunk in. I am what is left. I did not get my security from my parents, but they were still there, and part of me never gave up that they would offer me the security and love that I wanted from them. David, of course, I fully depended on for the love and security, and he is gone now too. So, whether it was hoped for love (always the optimist) or actual love, they are all gone. This morning I realize that I am at the top of a pyramid. There is no one -- but that is not true. There are friends and they are offering me support because they understand this vulnerability either because they have felt it themselves or because they can see see what it might be.

I can lean on people, but it is myself. I have to find it-- strength, support, even love -- inside of myself. I have been taking one step at a time. I have let myself feel the journey the last two weeks. I slipped back into planning and regretting, but for the most part, for a larger part, I was there and just being. I took in what there was and now I am heading for home. It is time to take it all back up again -- to pay bills, to see of the Jersey house has progressed any, to work on a remortgage of my house, to get child care figured out so I can easily do the LEND coursework.

And is this where I am going to report my day? Am i going to continue to empty the care and triumphs of my day? Will I really start making calls every night to Lisa, to Marcia, to Mary, to Jan, to others? Just to have some adult to check on how I am doing?

And maybe I am looking too far down a path that I have not travelled on. Maybe I should just appreciate that Mary is coming over tonight with pizza and salad for us to have some dinner together. And let next week, next month, and the following time go for now.

It’s hard.

I have not planned this trip that we are finishing in anywhere near the detail that I usually plan trips. And it was fine. I was not exactly a lilly of the field, but I was taken care of, I did find my way. Every night there was a place to eat, a beach to walk, buses to catch, and a bed to settle down into.

Now and then, I want to resist the change, but admittedly that impulse has weakened, but no impulse has taken its place. If not the old way and not change, then what. Standing still offers no comfort at all. Maybe inertia. A body in motion tends to stay in motion -- Maybe it is just that I am sitting on a plane for 8 hours and need a bit more sleep.

I cheerfully told Julia about our day plans -- how we would get up early, take Brad’s ride to the airport, check in and get on a plan, fly to Chicago, and then drive home. Did I need the day’s list as much as she did?