28 February 2012

written 27 February 2012

I woke on Sunday ready to engage. Like a switch thrown. I have been on the fence about everything, even the simplest of things. I could not decide anything just in case . . . I am not sure what I was waiting for. Revelation, possibly? Enlightenment, certainly. None is coming. Half way through this year of fallow lying, I am bored and tired of it all. I am not as far along as I want to be. There is no going back and I want to complain about the slog forward. I want to throw myself into something that does not demand reflection. I’d like to do some work that I detest so that I can indulge in food or late night movies or even a shopping trip because I deserve it for all that I am suffering. Instead, I have only my own choices to contend with, to complain about. And who can I complain about except myself to myself. I have become someone who I would have despised a short while ago.

I may just be cranky.

Still, Friday was fun with therapy in the morning, the new Myasaki in the afternoon, and Amy’s house at night. Saturday was equally enjoyable with more therapy during which I made new strides in my sorting the junk of life, church during which I was lay associate, and supper with Mary and Robert and very good Indian food. I was exhausted after both social engagements because I had engaged. I need to build up my engagement chops. And the sorting work was more satisfying than it has been in a long time.

And so, on Sunday I posted on FaceBook a status update: Julia and I have lived in Wisconsin for almost 5 years and we've visited very, very little of this glorious state. I am looking for weekend trips to fill our summer. Yeah, there is a budget, but we have a tent and we are ready for adventure. Any ideas???

And to those dear ones who have ever thought about visiting, this would be a very good summer to do so. Adventure is always more fun with company!

I am not completely sure why I have held back, but even the good ideas that I’ve had remained ideas that I would not take a step to accomplish. I want a cat, but I’ve done little except to look for one on Craigslist. I’ve talked to a few organizations about an exchange student for next year but have not filled out the forms to even begin the process. I was on the fence about what to do about Spring break and summer vacation. I have had a nameless anxiety about making decisions, in case, in case, in case what? Something changes? The sky falls? As if I want to be ready to move on when some call came. As if life was going to change once again so I better not make myself at home. I am still not sure of anything long range, and that is true, I have no idea what I will be doing next year at this time, but I cannot wait until all of the big decisions are made. I cannot put dinner plans on hold until I discover my destiny. Okay, a bit dramatic, but a good description of the way my mind has been working.

I woke up on Sunday feeling ready to engage. The feeling has been coming on since Thursday, and on Saturday, I really dove into the cellar work. I have been working around the periphery of stuff for months, taking boxes from this shelf and that pile. The periphery has seemed endless -- like my mother’s estate --, I could not plunge into the center because there was just too much. There is still a lot -- “What a mess!” Julia said when she saw my piles in the middle of the basement -- but I can imagine an end.

Just imagine, not see right now.

Finally, I was able to clean out what used to be the coal storage room. It has a door with a lock and is always dry. (The basement is generally dry but can be damp when it rains heavily in the spring, or there are pipes, appliances, or a water tank to burst in other part of the cellar.) I’ve used it as a storage room since I moved in but it was really the junk deposit room! I had no idea what was in there for the most part. Then with the renovation, it was stuffed to the top so that larger items could go in the main cellar. I have enough room in the main cellar to clear the smaller storage room. I washed it down and lined one wall with my matching metal shelving units. I have five of them and they fit nicely along one long wall. It’s funny that I/we never put all of those shelving units together. They were in three different places in the cellar and the storage room was lined with unmatched shelving that was not efficient at all.

I started filling the shelves and I had no question about those things that I want to keep -- the christmas boxes, extra kitchen stuff that is used occasionally, camping equipment, travel bags. It got me to thinking that when I am not sure about keeping, maybe it is time to give away.

This spring may see another garage sale. As soon as I am sure there will be no more snow, I will park my car outside of the garage and start filling the garage. Last year, that was such a good way of parting with things. And it was a good way of knowing what I needed to take back. Not much made it back inside my house but a few things did and I wanted those things.

This post has gone from my crankiness to cleaning, still without decisions. The engagement that I felt is still on a horizon slowly coming into view -- a kitten, an exchange student, inquiries about an adoption, some work at investment, and thoughts about a LEND project. In all the instances, feelers can be sent out. I remain anxious about making mistakes, but I cannot be more articulate about my fears or the possible mistakes.

In medius res. A lousy place to be.

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