06 July 2012

Day done.  Survived.  Whole.  Teared up some.  Felt the impact of loss.  Felt the shifting of my terra firma.  What comes to mind is the night that I brought David back to the hospital the week before he died.  It was morning by the time I drove home.  I was tired and scared, but I felt very strong.  There was nothing that I could not do.  I am not so cocky and self assured today, but slowly I am losing the self perception of a wounded animal that I've carried for two years.  Today, I claimed something of my own.

I still wish with all of my heart that I didn't have to learn this strength as a result of losing my beloved.  I wish I could have owned myself, learned to use every ounce of talent and power, and grown old with him.  But that option was not given to me.  I have lost before and learned very little.  Perhaps I had to lose almost everything for the lessons to be perceived.  I am grateful to have found a bit of learning in the shards and crumbs of my well-known life that piled at my feet two years ago yesterday.

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