Day done. Survived. Whole. Teared up some. Felt the impact of loss. Felt the shifting of my terra firma. What comes to mind is the night that I brought David back to the hospital the week before he died. It was morning by the time I drove home. I was tired and scared, but I felt very strong. There was nothing that I could not do. I am not so cocky and self assured today, but slowly I am losing the self perception of a wounded animal that I've carried for two years. Today, I claimed something of my own.
I still wish with all of my heart that I didn't have to learn this strength as a result of losing my beloved. I wish I could have owned myself, learned to use every ounce of talent and power, and grown old with him. But that option was not given to me. I have lost before and learned very little. Perhaps I had to lose almost everything for the lessons to be perceived. I am grateful to have found a bit of learning in the shards and crumbs of my well-known life that piled at my feet two years ago yesterday.