04 July 2012

Not such an easy good day.  I feel as if I am throwing my hands up in surrender.  No, I cannot celebrate. July 4th was David’s least favorite holiday and now it is mine as well.  At least for another year.
CAUTION: self-pity alert!!!  I am in the vortex of a spiral.  Like some super-sized magnet, I am catching up every sad, bad, debilitating feeling and thought.  I can immediately spin any blessing into a curse.  And I know that this is where I must be today.
It is a bit after nine in the morning.  Very hot.  Julia is in the pool for a lesson.  Her teacher, Mary Beth, is bright and happy.  Julia should have happy people around her.  I sit at a shaded picnic table with my water bottle.  It is the best part of the day.  Hot already and humid but there is a slight breeze and birds are singing.  
Already, I’ve talked to Mary and Lisa and emailed Traci.  And vented, pouring out my sadness.  My self-pity knows no restraint.  There is no good, all is pain and loss, nothing  to live for and what is here is too hard for a saint.  
Umm, does that take care of it all?  I breathe and almost laugh.  For the moment, sanity returns.  Lisa said that inside I must know that I am ready for this vortex.  I know that I must just sit with it and abide.  The only way out of it is through it, but man!!!  There is no adequate thanks to give to those who abide with me.  Is it part of the spiral?  I wonder if it is going to be worth it -- this abiding -- when I am out the other side?  Will my dearests say, “She was worth all that bitching I had to endure,” or will they wonder if I’ll ever stop.  Will I stop?  
There are blessings in my life -- god, I know that, but they all are burdens today.  The actual burdens -- no air conditioning in my car -- can be remedied for the most part.  Still, the spiral picks up speed.
So, my blessings and forgive the need to put the negative spin on each one:
We have insurance (with the accompanying bills which are incredible) and have picked up intensive therapy after one day away.  This means another year of the therapy that has brought Julia so far.  My fear about what will happen at the end of this year are large -- well, large today.  I need to keep in my brain that each year has brought Julia along to awareness and understanding and more of the ability to be present and engaged.
We had a lovely times at the lake this weekend.  Julia went tubbing for the first time and was scared and loved it!!  My pictures are blurry but her blurry form speaks volumes.  We are also so very lucky to have friends, old, good friends who can be generous with her.  There were six other kids at the lake house, most older than Julia.  Every single one of them was kind and loving.  Each payed attention to her and engaged her in conversation, games, and general kid stuff.  I could let her “go with the kids.”  She was as happy as I’ve ever seen her.  I can in a moment spiral into comparisons of Julia and the almost 11 year old who was the other young kid at the lake house.  This other child is very much neuro-typical -- responsible as an 11 year old can be, defiant and moody, inviting and bright.  I could talk to her.  She is all of what Julia is not.  I have to pause and remember that I had that child rearing experience.  Yes, I wanted it again with Julia, but what I have is who Julia is.  It is a different journey -- Holland not Paris.  I cannot forget the tulips.  
As soon as we arrived at the lake house, the 11 year old asked that Julia sleep in the loft room with the other kids.  I hesitated.  Of course, I did.  And Julia loved it.  Loved being put into bed and tucked in and left with the girls to chatter until exhaustion over came them.  
Much later: Julia and I worked after swimming lesson and then she put all of her books away and I cleaned the bathroom.  The plan was to spend the afternoon at a pool with Mary and Robert and then go to a fair and the fireworks, but the temperature was over 100 and the house was so delightfully cool and we opted for movies and and indoor picnic supper.  As low key as could be possible.  Funny that this was exactly the kind of Fourth of July celebration that David would have enjoyed.  
 David's lily.  Blooming early this year.
Home now.  Dog walked.  Julia in bed.  The quiet of the night blankets my sorrow.  I am quiet.

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