I have started writing each day during the past two days and quit or was distracted after a few lines. Tonight, after Julia went to bed, I labored over an updated resume for a policy-related internship which may be part of my LEND program. And it is late now. And Julia just asked to come into my bed “because it is nice to snuggle.” So, this will be brief and if my eyes don’t close before I am finished, I will post whatever I get done.
Writing a resume. Ugh. Take a very unprofessional life and quantify it with names and dates and bullet points. Just the idea of “updating” my resume sent my spirits and confidence into a tail spin, but I am holding fast and hard to the idea that I have something unique and important to contribute to the world I am entering. I am not padding or stretching. It is not a resume that will win some interview, but it is my background and a rough sketch of how I got here. And that has to be enough.
It is ego that wants to impress, that wants to win the qualifications game. I am going to face this demon over and over this coming school year, and if I am going to make a place for myself among the experts and professionals, I am going to have to rely on something other than my degrees or work experience. I have always had bold ideas and never had the nerve to see them through. Here I have a bold idea and the resolve not to back down.
And I have no idea where it will take me.
I went to the Quest orientation this afternoon. Julia came with me and had much too long a time to do her dot-to-dot book and color. She loved it and I felt somewhat guilty leaving her to do it. The program is serious and still somewhat of a mystery, but the advice is to trust the process. I found childcare for the first weekend retreat in September. There are no electronics, even phones, allowed at retreats. I am both excited and somewhat resistant.
Julia is having good days but she is picking the skin on her heel at night. She does it until it bleeds. It must be painful but she does not stop. Last year, when I could not control her scratching and picking, I brought her into my bed, put gloves on her, and laid down with her in bed until she fell asleep. I wonder if I should be doing that now once again. Reasoning with her does very little good. Before she went to bed tonight, I gave her a foot massage, used a scrub on her feet and some moisturizer. She went to bed with socks on but by the time she came into my bed, she had taken the the socks off and picked once again. This is the same foot that is still healing from last year’s infected bug bites. How much harm can one person do to her body before the body stops healing?
Sometimes mothering Julia feels like plugging a leaky row boat. And losing.