David's death 1

Nothing is going to work and I will not get to sleep tonight until I write this day out, at least a little. Just a bit more than 12 hours ago, David died. I still cannot believe what I am writing. I cannot get the reality of this deep enough into my bones; I know it but I am not knowing it.

It was not an awful death, it was not a long dying. There has been pain this past week and fatigue for awhile, but it was not so long, and I am so grateful.

I hated leaving his body. Even after it has turned cold, even after the blood was beginning to pool under his head and part of his back, I did not want to leave. Leaving was moving, moving on. I and we took a step and then two and then more away from David.

You know, there is so much that I am grateful for, so many thank yous that I have been saying because my friends are so wonderful, so giving, so caring of us. I knew all of this but i know better now. There is the belief that you can jump and the angels will catch you, I fell today from a great height and dear and caring people are catching.

Last week, after the ambulance and the ER and the night at the hospital as the docs figured out what to do to help David, I emerged shaken terribly but sure and strong, knowing that I could handle anything. It was an amazing feeling -- not that I was invincible, but to be sure that I was ready to take on everything that had ever scared me. I did not realize that I would need to use this new found empowerment so soon.

I just did not know so much.