Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

A day. I paid bills -- mostly my mother's estate bills -- tried once again to get an actual person to talk to me from our mortgage company -- I'll try once more -- I filled for Badger Care -- the state supported health insurance which may come in handy in the short term -- and started putting fills away. I am still without the death certificates -- which I have been told is normal -- but it also leaves me without access to money that is in the form of insurance or pensions, and just leaves me feeling like I can't do the work that will do the most good.

I am cranky tonight.

Friends have been checking in today -- thank you all -- I sounded better at 2 than I did at 8. I was reminded that being tired -- which I am all the time right now-- is a sign of depression. I make grand statements about changing my life. I am grateful for the grad workshop that I have lined up to take in the fall. I stared at a picture -- a quite ordinary picture -- of David that was on my computer. I wanted to swallow it whole.

To never, ever see him again. I am not yet wrapping my head around that one. Not at all. The picture looks much too alive. Too just right here and now. And as I looked at it, I thought about how he will now always be 54, almost 55, and I will not. I will remember him not as an old man. The feeling of not wanting to leave his bedside after he died returns. I am understanding not wanting to go forward.

I am sad tonight.

Julia and I had a -- not really a fight -- tonight. I was on the phone with a friend a bit later than I should have been. Got off at almost 8:30 and told Julia that it was time to come up to bed. She did not want to come up. I closed up the first floor and saw to my tasks, and she insisted on playing with dinosaurs. Then, she couldn't find the mother t-rex -- her favorite excuse for not doing as she is told -- I insisted and did not demand. I went upstairs and started getting stuff ready for bed. Julia did not follows. By this time, she was angry at me -- what was interesting, really interesting, is that it was anger towards me and never got into a real tantrum. She told me she didn't like me, she hated me, she would walk away from me. I gave her one more chance to come upstairs and then went down to get her. I physically directed -- without a lot of effort fortunately -- her upstairs. She was insisting she would not sleep and I just walked her to her room. I told her to get dressed for bed. She told me she wasn't going to bed and more dislike for me. I told her that then she could sleep in her own room -- whereas she is a permanent occupant of my bed right now. I closed her door -- she told me not to lock her in. The door has no lock and I didn't even close the door all the way. I went into my room and just hung out waiting. She yelled and then cried. She made noise with the door for attention, but without trying to hurt the door. I told her I was not going to talk to her and I didn't for about 10 minutes. A long 10 minutes. Indeed.

But is was crying and anger, and Julia never lost control. And instead of escalating, fueling itself for a long time, this episode wound down. I could hear her getting tired. This is the first time that I've heard Julia get tired when she was angry.

After that 10 minutes, she was still sniffling and I was still not talking. I saw a little face hidden by hair peak around my door. I asked her if she should blow her nose. When she did that, I told her to put on pjs and come into my bed. And she did that.

She climbed into my arms and we laid together. We talked about sadness and why she has to listen to me. We talked about her crying. I hope she is understanding some of this. I told her that I was not going to read to her because she took up her reading time in her bedroom. I gave her a kiss good night and turned out the light. And Julia slowly went to sleep.

Strange progress, but definitely a change in behavior.