From yesterday and on the plane

We are over Canada, Julia and I. We managed to get out of the house only a half hour later than I wanted, and to Chicago almost on time. We parked, shuttled, checked in, went through security, got seats at the gate (and were upgraded to economy plus -- what we use to know as economy), found some noodles for Julia, and boarded the plane. I had asked Julia to be cooperative and laid out what our steps were. We went over the list as we mentally checked off each task. Julia became anxious just a few times, and I asked her to do something to calm herself. Twice she complied and once she apologized for getting angry at me. This is wonderful control for her.

Julia drew in her travel journal during take off. She has no fear at all about flying, no sick feelings reported. We’ve had our dinner -- she pasta, me chicken and rice --, watched our respective movies -- she Toy Story, me two parts of two awful films--, and now we should be ready for sleeping. I have Julia two benedrill tablets 20 minutes ago and I hope that helps. I could use the sleep, but I need her to fall asleep first before I will be able to.

We are sitting in the middle of the plane with a very nice man sitting in the thrid seat across. He has graciously tolerated Julia’s dinosaur talk and entertained. She loved it, and I just hope that she is not daddy shopping. I don’t think so, but we’ll see how she responds to other men that she will meet in the next week.

This is my first trip to Europe without David. I felt the challenge of doing it all alone. Nothing I couldn’t do but yesterday I was turgid, moving way too slowly. I’ve stopped looking at pictures of David for a bit. Completely. It is too hard, too alive. I am not avoiding thinking but I don’t need any more reminders than I have inside.

And it is queer. I am functioning as if I always knew they would be the way it is. It chills me when I realize it.

The thought running through is that I don’t always want to be alone. I’ve already talked to Lisa about someday moving in with them. I love Madison, and it could become home base for a long time, but I am not so independent to be without other adults. I am lonely, these days in a desperate sort of way. I hope I can be healed of some of that.

Julia is trying to sleep. Maybe I should too.

So far, we are great travel companions.

__________________________

Later. Over the middle of the ocean.

Julia slept for a short time, tossed for awhile, and now tells me that she is done sleeping. It is about 9:30 our time and she should be happily asleep. So much for benedryl. And she is hungry. The only thing I can scrounge is a brownie -- probably not good for sleeping either.

We’ve are night owls together tonight. These days, it is just me most of the time. Even with a sleeping pill, I find it hard to sleep. And I have not be dreaming, probably due to the sleeping pills. I am used to dreaming. Sometimes I’ve have memorable dreams, but these days nothing.

Lisa told me she has dreamed of David twice -- short dreams and elusive. And another friend, one who was long lost, had a dream with David in it. I have not. It saddens me some.

Oy, I am tired and not sleeping, and now, my own writing is boring me. And now, Julia has taken out her travel journal and is drawing planes and birds. I don’t want to turn on the light but there is enough light from the seat next to our for her to draw by.

I could use a long nap -- just an hour would get rid of my headache.