Leave taking

I wake up this morning with a very sore throat and a stuffy nose. I am getting a cold. I hope I can get home before I feel more.

Lisa said something like -- I would have to do more leave taking before I knew what to do with the house. She was talking about the house, but I see how right she is. I see that I want to know now, soon, immediately how I am supposed to act and what I am supposed to do to get through the process of grief and on to the work of the rest of my life, but it is not so straight forward and easy.

The house is a good metaphor here. We had plans. David and I had talked about it, agreed upon things, found the people we wanted to work with, and decided on the money part. It was all planned! But it was only planned for that life that David and I were living. This was the forever house -- at least for foreseeable future. Part of me is the spoiled child who wants to insist on the perfect kitchen, the layout for giving parties, and housing our books. I want to scream to the wind that this was all already planned.

These house plans are, right now, the toughest things to let go of. It is tough to let go of because it was and is some vestige of our lives together, our future together. And that is over. There is no future together with David.

Cheshire was able in a very cool and detached way to explain why I should not do anything to the house, at lest right now because my house plans stood in opposition to what I say that I want for a living arrangement. She saw that very clearly and she is right.

I have more leave taking to do before I know where I am going.

During this time on the Isle, I have thought many times how David would have enjoyed this vacation on the Isle of Wight, But we would not have gone on this part of the vacation if he was alive. We had other plans. This is the journey that I’ve taken because David died. Because he died. I can’t capture in words what this means, what this feels like.

Maybe it was the first thing that I decided, that I did because of his death. Because David died no decision, no plan, no forward looking idea is the same. This is what I am wrapping my entire brain around this morning. Julia has had a tough time understanding and learning consequences. She is closer now but I wondered how she did not understand them before this -- and here I am saying that even though David died, some big part of me did not want to acknowledge that there would be consequences. It is not quite the same, but I see connections.

I have leave taking to do in ways that I don’t even have any idea yet.