LEND orientation

It is hard to write about the last two days. They were so full! I was fully engaged, worked hard to absorb as much as I possibly could, met some fabulous people, was assigned to the intensive autism group, listened, listened, and listened some more. And came home exhausted. I had homework to do last night and could not do all of it last night because I was so tired and Julia needed a little of my attention. The hardest thing for me right now is to try not to be totally overwhelmed -- so much information, so much incredible research, so many people interested in adding us, the LEND trainees, to the work of the Waisman Center.

We listened to overview upon overview of the Center, of the Program, of the disciplines included in the Program, of the research of some of the departments, of the projects happening and in planning stages. And everyone wants to share!

I listened to the many young people who are part of this program -- they are working towards masters, doctorates, or doing post-doc work. The know where they want to go and how this program will fit into their career plans. I am free falling right now. I am a sponge to their discussions. I have little regrets now and then that I am coming so late to this vocation -- whatever it is -- but I am sure that I have some expertise from my past workings that will be useful to me.

Where am I going?

Already I am doing what I am there for -- to add the family viewpoint, to contribute my life experience. My comments are about Julia and our experience with her. I have comments about David's care in the hospital and at home. I am intentionally opening my life to this group. I too want to share.

And so I write of this exciting time here. I write a short post on facebook. I tell it to Mary who took Julia and I out for dinner to celebrate yesterday. I send an email message to another friend who asked about the day. But I feel the missing. I do not have David to talk too much to, to bore over dinner and after Julia goes to sleep about every little thing that one or the other person says. I am every so grateful to those friends who have asked and who can share part of my excitement, but I miss the partnership. I miss knowing that there is another person who will share the energy, the work, and the outcome.

I have not been alone for such a long time. The time immediately before my time with David, I was also partnered. So, time alone was before that. How many years? How many incarnations ago? I remember hating being alone then. That is what I remember well. And again, I pick up the refrain, as fresh as it was then.

I have never wanted to be alone, never wanted to live alone. Should I be fully embracing it now? Of course, but why?

Tonight, I could look for another kind of rescue. Not someone or some situation to solve all my challenges, but someone or something to provide a clear path. I know that I am describing, or thinking about, just another form of safe rescue. Tell me the right way. Give me the crystal ball, the divine inspiration, so that I will know that I am doing what I should be. So that I will know how to enter this new phase of my life is the most wonderful way.

I applied for LEND at the urging of a friend, someone who didn't even know me well at the time. As soon as I heard about it, I felt in my gut that I wanted to be a part of it. Do I really need the clouds parting, the single beam of light, and the deep, rich voice giving me the answer? Isn't that feeling enough? How do I grow to a place and time when I can trust the gut feeling, the urgings of a friend, the excited giggle deep inside?