Never a good sign

It is 4:34, and my mind is racing. That is never a good sign.

The full plate may have tipped over last night. Just a hard, busy, frustrating day yesterday. Trying hard not to sweat the small stuff, but yesterday there was just too much small stuff. And still, too much of my time is spent trudging through the jello of grief. During the open house at Julia's school last night, I just could not manage to connect with the people I wanted to see, needed to see. It was not that they were not available to me, but I had no energy in a place where I usually can manage so well. I felt like part of my brain had been cut out. It was all swampy and impossible. It was me that was unavailable.

I am not describing it adequately. It was like a dream of the event. I could not focus where I wanted to. I was losing control. I don't mean that I did not smile and greet people that I know, or ask a few relevant questions, but I was stopped cold when someone asked how I was. "Fine" seemed like an impossible answer. I did not grab the principal when I spied him out of the corner of my eye, and he owes me a meeting. I was just not myself.

Oy, not a good feeling.

Maybe this will all clear when school starts and I have my days to myself. Very unsettling right now.

Maybe this is just another phase of what I must deal with, go through, but how am I to function -- well, I am not functioning at full capacity.

Gosh, I can't even write a complete paragraph.

This is all in my head! It is. And I can accept it -- although not doing a good job at the acceptance -- for what it is. I don't know how much to just trudge through, straining to be some normal self, and how much to let go of at least for now. And I don't think that yesterday was anything special -- I think it was a day full of little tasks that . . . . I could not juggle the way I usually can. And I don't know what to do about that.

I usually have my lists of things to do, but I usually have a list inside my head -- a mega list not of tasks but of big concerns - and I can turn quickly from one to another of those concerns. And I can't. I cannot make myself be flexible. Maybe I shouldn't. I just don't know.

Should I be emptying the plate? A bit?

Yeah, things were going a bit too smoothly for a few days.

Never a good sign.