23 April 2012

And more of the same.  Quiet weekend.  Chores, a little therapy, a performance by the Forward Theater.  Three short plays by Brecht, Dorothy Parker, and Shaw with a comfortable frame to flow from one to the other without abruptness.  I enjoy the theater’s work so much and yet when i go to the performances, it twists my heart once again.  Since I stopped doing theater, shows always carry a bit of pain like seeing a past lover who has moved on and left me still wanting.  I did not, however, stop seeing theater, just had to get used to the ache.  Then, it is Forward Theater, the group that David thought could be a home for some of his work.  He liked the people so much, people who I did not get to know until after he died.  And they are very caring.  They are kind to me, and I have the feeling each time I see company members that they feel a loss.  It is not that no one else feels the loss, but they were his friends, his last new friends.  I am not articulating this well.
Julia and I played a simple game -- Green Eggs and Ham -- and she tried to cheat!  I remember when Cheshire went through that phase at around 6 or 7, when the desire to win was stronger than the will to be fair.  It dismayed me when Cheshire did it, it delights me now.  Julia, who saw absolutely no reason to play games, now wants to win!  And she tried to cheat while looking sideways at me, seeing if i notice, if i can catch her.  Julia is so obvious that there is not way I will not catch her, and I value fairness over winning, thus I certainly will catch her.  
She also walked the dog alone for the first time.  She only went up and down our street where as together we usually walk around a block or two.  She’s been putting on the dog’s leash for awhile now, as well as holding the leash as we walk.  I’ve allowed her sometimes to walk out to the front of the house with the dog while I get ready for a walk.  And so, gradually we’ve worked up to her doing the walk.  I am not ready for her to walk around the block yet.  As it is she tends to get distracted and forget the purpose of her mission whatever it is and yesterday she was having a drug vacation day and I expected her to be more distracted than usual.  But she did a good job being patient and slow.  She also picked dandelions while the dog sniffed and peed which gave focus to her task.
I continue to sort pictures and papers but this is the last major sort.  I put it that way because there are bound to be odds and ends that appear.  The pile on the table is not disappearing as quickly as i’d really like but before week’s end I hope that the dated small piles on the dining room floor are put away in file boxes.  Then a round of culling will have to go on and a page of writing for each year but I can see the end of at least this phase right now.  Every so often I ponder stopping and giving up this huge clean up.  I have paused a number of times when I could not read or look at another thing, but then I’ve taken up the chore again and moved on.  Hard but healing.  
I felt at one time that I might be trying consciously or otherwise to push all of my past away but it is not that way.  I am summing up what I’ve lived.  I am valuing my life up to this point but also taking stock so that I can move on.  To what, I am still not sure, but still to move on.

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