13 April 2012

Julia has been gone for a bit more than 24 hours. I’ve received a few updates and pictures via text messaging from her special ed teacher. She appears to be having a great time playing games, doing camp chores, and sitting around the camp fire. I hope that marshmallows were included in the menu because she really loves to roast, make that burn, them.

Of course, I worried and fretted about her the entire day -- what if, what if. I know how fragile life is and it is not that it isn’t fragile when she is with me, but having her an hour away from home without me is giving up more control over her than I am used to.

But yes, I enjoyed my day. I did some annoying tasks trying to get my voice mail working -- Apple blames Sprint who thinks that it is probably my iphone. I was also on the phone nudging the house sale along. It is now April and our contract said that we were closing the end of February. If I was the lawyer in this circumstance, I’d have no trouble with all the explanations and excuses, but as the seller, I am not so good. Patience can wear a good soul out!

For the evening, Mary and I went to dinner together and then saw The Hunger Games. Total escape with some good conversation.

Checking in with various friends after spring break, I found out that more than one had some very hard parts of the break. Either I never had those times with Cheshire or I’ve completely forgotten about them, but I found some camaraderie in those admissions. People with perfectly wonderful and typically developing children had some rocky times too. Disturbances in normal routine can be hard on lots of people. So, I now sound like quite a simpleton or someone who is so bound up in my own small world. All true. Still, it was reassuring. And then, having Julia back in school and looking at calendars, I had to notice the I hit another anniversary of David’s death the day before our FUS Seder. I have been able to ignore the date to some extend the last few months, I don’t want to make the fifth of every month a special day, but the heart and body remember, I am sure. I was a pretty okay parent as part of a parenting team, as a single mom I still struggle.

Later, Julia and her class rolled in a bit past 11. She was a bit dirty, a bit sleepy, happy to see me, but wishes the trip had gone on longer. I consider that pretty much an 11 year old opinion. Julia participated in all of the activities including a game of tag called predator and prey and a low ropes course. At the nature center she held a big snake and a small snake and she loved the marshmallows.

We had a quiet afternoon. I did an errand in Stoughton and then went home to make some chicken fried rice. We ate a late lunch and watched Ponyo while we snuggled on the couch. I was hoping that Julia would nap but I was the only one dozing. This evening, I bartender at a FUS fundraiser and Julia went to childcare. She spent the time looking through books instead of doing crafts and organized games. Just before we left she asked when the “parade” started -- the kids paraded through the main part of the party with the masks and shakers that they had made. Of course, the parade happened about 20 minutes before she asked. Some times it all bothers and worries me so much. Tonight, I had to just smile at her. Julia is who she is. I had planned to do my shift at the bar and then get out of there, but I walked around the party some. I still feel so uncomfortable socializing alone. I feel more single than I ever have, but single is not comfortable in a room full of people, most of whom are coupled. I am doing more at church these days and I am relatively sure that in another year there will be people to talk to and hang out with at parties. It is just getting over that hump for me. It has always taken me awhile to feel comfortable in a crowd. It is just that I used to have David to fall back on during those uncomfortable times. Now, just me.

And Julia was exhausted when we got home. She did not fight me at all to stay up later, just meekly went upstairs for a quick shower and a few page to read. I think she was asleep before I turned out the light.

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