13 October 2011

My mother’s birthday is coming up and with that and the slight, but turgid movement on her house, I am drawn back to remembering. I did not share much with my mother about my life, certainly almost nothing about my inner life since my teen years and I do still mourn to some extent my lack of a mother. An older woman guide has not been a blessing given to me and I have not really pursued a way to replace this important person. In fact, it seems to me that I am slipping into the sage position without adequate training, but the hours and hours and hours of talking to my best friends have raised me up. Could be be that I was not meant to have that old wisdom from another person, and instead, needed to find it for myself from my contemporaries and from deep inside of my own spirit?

This morning when Julia sat down for strong sitting, she said she wanted to do it with my arms around her. We usually sit facing each other. Instead of that, I adjusted her to be perpendicular to me on the couch. She crossed her legs and her arms in front of her and I put my arms around her from the side. She rested her head on my shoulder and there we sat for 10 minutes of silence. She was more still than she usually is and it was a very loving pose. After we were done, we tapped (EFT) about her skin and her missing David. When we have time to tap about more than one thing, I ask her for a suggestion. David comes up once in a while and the grief tapping script is very sweet. We still had a few minutes after that and so I took her in my arms and held her a bit more. I told her about the day, and that I ordered a dinosaur costume pattern to make for her halloween costume -- a dinosaur ballerina is her choice. Specifically, a purple dinosaur, like Lizzy, and a pink tutu. And I asked her what she was going to do. I meant what was she going to do today, but she told me that she was going to go to “art school to learn to make pots like Uncle Harold.”

Uncle Harold is David’s mother’s brother. So, he is closer to my uncle than Julia’s but since Cheshire calls him Uncle, Julia is doing the same. When we stayed with him during the summer (and extended our stay to accommodate the two funerals we all attended), he showed us his pottery studio in his basement. And he demonstrated pot making on his potters wheel. Julia enjoyed the demonstration but has not mentioned it or what she thought of pot making since we have been home. She does see me with one of the two big tea cups that Uncle Harold gifted me with and she has mentioned that she likes one more than the other, but I didn’t think she connected it with the making or the person. But clearly, the idea of pottery has been brewing in her mind.

If there is something that Julia is missing from her birth family, it is a heritage that includes the making of a visual art. I know that not every artist has a family tradition of artistic work, but for a long time, I’ve imagined that Julia has/had a grandfather who does art and who would have enjoyed teaching her and showing her his art. Julia was abandoned at 10 days old, so certainly she has no awareness of her biological family but she has such a strong family feeling. She took to us, wanted to be a part of us so quickly, that for her, I can believe that family is pretty basic and important to her. I have no idea how she knows this or where the knowledge comes from. Certainly not from her early upbringing. Maybe something deep within her. And when she says something like she did this morning, it feels like proof.

House update: The kitchen is gutted. New finds include a pretty extensive mouse warren in two places between studs and another mouse warren in the basement. All were empty and empty for a long time. Only a slight smell from both. Ed suspects that the last owners did some cleaning out of mice when they redid the kitchen. No recent indicator. For that, I am grateful. But I want to find two small pictures, a mouse and a wasp, to hang in the finished kitchen.

Ed was going to put in insulation -- the puffy kind, but is advising that we do foam to help with some sealing as well as insulation. There is also one place in the basement where a support was cut away which needs to be replaced. These are unforeseen expenses and fixes but really not too awful.

Electrical comes in tomorrow.

I am trying to pick a sink. And a faucet right behind that.

Skin update: The drugs are working. Keeping the itching down and helping Julia to leave her skin alone. Healing is slow but one leg has only 5 or 6 bandaids. That feels like a miracle! Julia is still in my bed and I am giving her almost no alone time. Her teacher reported a good day today. I know that we have the behavior to deal with when she stops the drugs next week and towards that end, her teachers and therapists are getting together. We are mounting the noble battle. I am so fortunate that there is this incredible team that sees this for what I think that it is, all of whom are proactive and nurturing. Julia needs more than a village. Perhaps a medium sized metropolis?

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