12 October 2011

"To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again."

~Pema Chödrön

This is a tall order. A great expectation. A vision to be leaning towards. Living fully. Another prescription that is not for wimps. I think I’ve stumbled badly this past week. I am no expert wandering around that no-man’s-land. But even yesterday I felt the firm earth back under my feet and could see a few new and fresh moments are opportunities for change and growth and not weights to be hung around the neck and hauled around.

Monday’s visit to the doc yielded some heavy meds. Ugh! A steroid, stronger antihistamines, and benedryl to put her to sleep at night. This is not my preferred treatment plan but we need to break the cycle of itch, scratch, scab, pick, bleed. I will deal with the underlying behavior, etc. once Julia’s body is healed. Or at least, on the road to healing. Thanks A, (Cathy?) for the nutritionist recommendation. That is an excellent idea. Food has been a challenge for us for a long time now. Even though Julia’s weight has evened out and she is not as skinny as she once was. And it appears to be solid weight gain that has continued as she shoots up. But we need to check out allergic reactions and plain ol’ good nutrition.

Last weekend, we found slim jeans at Old Navy (Another thank you, for that recommendation. From who . . . I don’t remember. Snick?). Those slims look so good on her and she says they feel good as well. Julia is such a kid. I know she is developmentally delayed and thus lacking any acquired sophistication. Sometimes watching her, I wonder if she would do better is a place that was less sophisticated. I don’t think that is anywhere in the USA -- tv and the internet have matured our kids way too fast for Julia to keep up with. Still, I wonder how she would do somewhere in a developing nation where life was more centered around the necessities of life, practical living and less involved with a life of the mind. I don’t really think that I would do so well in that sort of an environment, but Julia . . . ?

Demolition of the kitchen is moving along. Got to post a few pictures. It is going slowly for me. I do appreciate that my contractor is taking his time and doing the job correctly, but I am impatient. It was so nice to leave the house this summer for vacation and come back to the finished product. Today, Ed finished tearing down and cleaning up all of the plaster and lath. There have not been too many surprises for which I am grateful. Structure appears sound. The support beams are a bit smaller than the code would require right now but there is no sagging or unevenness. Ed found a wasps’ nest in one corner of the ceiling. It fills almost 2 feet of space between beams and is about 8 inches thick. Kind of scary although there are no wasps in it right now. Ed hopes that when he takes it down tomorrow, the way into the nest is clear. He also found evidence of the mouse that invaded last year during our British travels. It probably got in through the basement and followed the water pipes up and into the kitchen. It lives in the insulation for some time but there doesn’t seem to be any sign of a larger colony. I’ve also seen three roaches in the past two days. Uck! But with all of the pounding and scraping and exposing, everything is being shaken up.

Julia had therapy until 5 today and we had Chinese take out. She had a bath while I washed the day’s dishes in the bathroom sink (and kept an eye on her). I re-bandaged and perhaps I used a few less bandaids. I’ve stopped counting because it was too damned depressing. There was no call from the school nurse today, so if there was scratching and picking it was probably not as intense of it has been. I gave Julia bendryl before she hit the bed and I am exhausted.

Mary posted a link on facebook to a conference called Creating a Mindful Society (http://live.soundstrue.com/event/event.php). I am excited to listen to all of the lectures that were recorded. My daily meditation that I do before I wake Julia up is continuing. It is doing me good although it is hard to quantify the benefits. Patience? Yes. Another view. Yes. Julia and i continue doing strong sitting before she gets on the school bus. Again, I feel it is good for her. For all her monkey mind and body, she does not scratch or pick during strong sitting. Sometimes when she says her loving kindness meditation, she means it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I wish you lots of strength to, it seems like a difficult mission. Although we do not know each other in real life, I wish you much 'resting' times today or tomorrow (it is now early in the morning here) I have an autistic son who can't live at home. Success in the kitchen and take heart!