Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

Oh, I want to write here but it is so late and I've been sewing a purple dinosaur ballerina costume for two days now. And there is a halloween party tomorrow at 5. It will get done and life will return to normal. But ya know, sewing like this -- kind of last minute, with a deadline -- like I used to do a long, long time ago, is like getting drunk on some fine old wine. Nothing like, working intensely on a project, watching some wretched tv show (Yes, Cheshire, I will finish both seasons of Parenthood soon!), and giving myself time without self-conscious, examination is sublime. This is doing something without getting in my own way. Something that is sure and true, a challenge but easy, something that I feel completely competent at, no question but it will be a success.

I could wish hard that I had other things is life that I felt that way about. The ease. The confidence. But this is something. And something to recognize.

Julia is excited about the costume. This is what she asked for. I tried to convince her to be just a ballerina, I mean, that costume would have been SOOOOO much easier. I am sure that I tried to convince Cheshire to be some easier things as well. But Julia insisted and I agreed. And I got on board and it is fun. It was not easy to find a pattern. (Did I write about this last week?). I had to order it online and from ebay. And the fleece that I bought, which is going to look so good and be warm for Halloween night (This is Wisconsin after all, and Halloween is usually a week before the first snow), was hard to cut and cumbersome to sew. And taking on a sewing project to do in the dining room/kitchen/ and now work room is crazy! Like apartment living in my Jersey studio or my East Village apartment. Crazy cozy.

And do I need to say, I am enjoying myself. Work. Task. For no other reason but to please myself. And pleasing Julia in the process.

I have complained about a lack of resilience and I hold with this complaint. Yesterday, coming home from riding, Julia peed in the back seat of the car. And I was furious! I lost it completely. I was so angry. It had been a hard day. I had heard from my financial advisor that the money that I expected to get to pay for part of the renovation was not forthcoming. I don't want to really write about financial matters here, but I panicked badly. Ed was bringing in the first of the cabinets and they were so beautiful and I was scared that I couldn't pay for them. It would not have been that bad. Of course, I had money to pay for them, but it is not as liquid as I expected. 24 hours later, it has all worked out. Worked out fine, but there is that time of panic. That time of irrational fear. And it is fear because I have to do it all myself. Not just the work, the work is the easy part, but the decision making, the blame, the failure. It is all on me now. This is the part of single living that I have not really completely understood. The part that makes me feel so vulnerable. It is me and me alone that is responsible for making my life work out well.

I had a session with Ellen this week and she said that my spirit guide are saying to go for it. Take on what I want to take on because there are no more judges, no one to hold me back in any way. I am safe to fly. The flip side of this is that I am free to fail. And like some old cliche, that is what scares me the most.

The night that I took David back to the hospital with the gall bladder infection which would kill him a week later, I experienced a surge of power. I don't think I had ever felt so strong. Scared, yes, but strong. Strong enough to take care of David, to make the decisions that needed to be made and to be sure. I have not often felt that sort of power, and David's death knocked it out of me and has left me with so little resilience to take care of myself and Julia. But today, I got the car cleaned and I moved money around so that I can finish this renovation easily. I am back on solid ground. Not feeling powerful, but feeling adequate. Felt like I got the "C" today. Not the "A star." But a "C" is not bad at all.