19 September 2011

Julia off to school this morning and we had time for strong sitting and a bit of tapping. Yes. A week into my new scheme. I am not perfect. I do not spring out of bed every morning but I am climbing out of bed. And that is a step.

Julia has been incredibly fidgety during strong sitting over the weekend and today. A bit frustrating. I imagine that we are making a leap forward and then I need to remind her about being quiet in body and mind so many times that there is no real quiet time. Oy! But we continue to do it. I am trying to believe that if we do it long enough together that there will be more good days than bad and eventually, Julia will get to meditation. Today the evidence is not at all clear.

The day started out rainy and I was not going to do the outside work that I hoped for. I have about a week’s worth of garden shaping, mulching, and cleaning until the leaves start falling and we get our first hard frost. It struck me as I worked last week, that I was accomplishing what I had set out to do in the gardens and the end was in sight.

But this morning it was rainy, and there was a pile of book boxes that had been sitting right in front of my fireplace on the hearth tiles. Maybe it is the cooler weather that moves me to start opening boxes. Having my friend, Mary, come over the morning and drink tea and help me with unpacking kept the work ethic up. I ended the day with only one more box to unpack -- but these were only the books that had been unpacked and put on shelves throughout the house when we moved into this house. I have at least twice the number of boxes we unpacked today in the basement. I will start bringing them upstairs the next time I work. My goal is to have no book storage at all. I think the new book shelves will hold about 50-75% more books than the old cases did, but I imagine that I will have to get rid of a third to a half of everything that I own. This may wind up being harder than sorting papers or getting rid of unused furniture. These are BOOKS! So many were for research of various kinds for my projects or David’s writings. So many theater and movie/film books that I no longer need or want.

Setting books on the shelves was very satisfying but sad at the same time. I have been living in this lovely blank canvas and with the new floors and walls, I have had a feeling of being separate from the old sad life and from so many memories -- a life from another time. I am putting our/my books on these shelves and will soon start hanging art that I hung in Indianapolis before we moved to Madison. I had hoped to move pictures around and hang it in different places, but I have always been the person to chose what to hang where, and so I am not so inclined to change positions just for the sake of change. I have had this idea that I was reclaiming the house, but in truth it has always been pretty much mine. David had a sort of veto power more than anything. He did have plenty of stuff in so many places and it is that stuff that I worked on last spring. More to come of that but not until the cold weather really sets in and I am done with books.

So, in trying all this change, I realize that I want to change to what it was.

I went down to the clerks office today for the first time since right after David died. I went to collect his things. So, it has taken me 14 months to get down there. I could have gone a year ago. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be in the office and didn’t want more stuff that I would need to figure out what to do with. Well, it was not so much -- some framed diplomas, his honorary Kentucky Colonel certificate, two pieces of art, books, calendars, a few notebooks, the small keepsakes that I brought him from Vietnam and Bolivia when I visited without him, and a few pictures of the girls. And a jacket -- that just-in-case the Chief calls and wanted him in her chambers immediately jacket. I don’t know what I expected. I am not going to integrate it right away, but honestly for the small amount of new sadness, it is good to have all of his stuff under my roof.

The next phase of house renovation is almost set to go. Ed, my contractor, and I have been meeting regularly discussing cabinets, countertops, and prices. I am close to a final decision on design. And there is a sale that ends before the end of the month. There is no reason to delay. Cabinets will take 4-6 weeks to deliver. Ed will start demolition two weeks after we order cabinets, and expects to have me without a kitchen for 3-5 weeks.

I feel the continuing process of digging in, cleaning out, moving forward, and reaching backwards. Some spiraling. A completely unique but highly ritualistic dance. The music plays on.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

One thing you may want to try before replacing the whole top ,is if it's in an area that you can cut out the burn spot, they make a kitchen countertops cutting board that drops in .There are few types and a few sizes that may work for you.