24 September 2011

Three things about today:

1. It is David’s birthday. I did not mention it to Julia. Texted about it to Cheshire. I am okay. Sad. Okay. Sometimes I still want to scream at the heavens. I want to ask for the why’s. But my screams are quieter and less frequent. Even the desire to scream.

Storing blog entries on my computer files, I am back to transplant time. What struck me today was how fearless we were. Well, we had no choice. It was transplant or death. It was like facing into the wind, facing the ocean and letting it roar. Just facing it.

I think we were brave. Maybe for the first time, I was really brave. Not out of any inner strength or calling, but out of necessity. Maybe that is what all bravery is. Necessity.

I feel the emptiness of losing David’s father as well. I called him last year on David’s birthday.

And it is David’s birthday.

2. I ordered my kitchen cabinets today. Ed, my contractor, and I visited the store last week, which came after a series of meetings between us to tweak the design. I did it today because there is a sale that ends tomorrow. I made one change today.

Gosh, I wish David was around for this. We had wanted a new kitchen in Indy and worked on the design for this one while he was in a hospital bed. I am not saying that I am doing this as some kind of weird fulfillment of his dreams. This is totally for me. He would definitely have fought me on big parts of this kitchen. It is not as traditional as he would have liked. And that is okay. This is mine.

3. I finished taking books out of boxes today. I have a lot of books. I need to get rid of at least a third of them. I’ve said this before. I know. Now the reality is sitting in piles in the dining room. I know I need to write more about getting rid of books. Forgive my indulgence. But not tonight.

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