07 May 2012

I have been calling this my fallow year, and at the beginning I imagined that I would have days of quietly sitting and reading and writing.  I equated fallow with intentional contemplation.  Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, so far there has been little contemplation and reading.  The tasks of cleaning out body, soul, and house have taken up so much time.  I am coming to the end of sorting and storing of documents, pictures, and memorabilia.  Most of it is in plastic file boxes which are neatly stacked in the basement store room.  There is still a bit of a mess in the main portion of the basement, but Cheshire will be taking some of that to her new apartment, and later this summer I will have another yard sale followed by hefty donations to St. Vinnie’s.  For now, I need to clean and straighten what I’ve done, to give the house a good cleaning, and to switch gears.
I am having foot surgery next week.  Cheshire is coming out to help me during the week, and this will give me some forced down time since I am supposed to stay off my feet as much as I can for six weeks.  Maybe I will get my contemplation time in and feel fallow.
The surgery which is very minor, just inconvenient, is throwing a kink into applying for second year LEND.  I did not leave anything to the last moment but no one has had time to talk to me, the morning coffee I planned with my mentor for the 21st will be impossible to make because I will not be driving.  Not driving for a week and a half means that meeting with any of the LEND staff, which is strongly advised before applying, will be impossible.  And the initial deadline for applying it May 25.  So, even if I can cram in a meeting this week or on the 22nd or 23rd, I will have little time to prepare a strong statement.  Coupled with that, the email with the application attached (which I received late last week), said that they were contemplating 2 second year students and there are at least 6 people who have expressed interest.  Generally, family trainees do not do a second year, the training is probably much more valuable to students who are helping professionals, and I have the feeling that I do not have the support that I had last year.  There is some ego workings that I am battling and some frustration that no matter how timely I tried to be with my questions, that I will have to rush meetings and application, but at one point today, I felt a calm knowing that this is merely but one door and I can only work as hard as I can to get what I want, and then I have to trust that the outcome will be for my highest good.  
I have ideas and possibilities for next year.  I’ve been confused, pondered, and considered.  I am beginning to put myself out there, apply and ask, and allow the answers to come back.  A few weeks ago, I asked once again to adopt from China.  I was interested in a child whose special need makes her particularly difficult to place.  It will also make her life in China difficult.  She is older and her file was first prepared when she was a toddler.  The agency which recently returned her file told me that not one person other than myself had asked to look at the file.  Still, China would not consider me for this child -- too single and too old.  The decision saddened me, especially for this child.  Too bad that a single, old mother is not better than an orphanage.  
It is a door closed.   
I applied and was accept into the Quest program at FUS.  It will mean two years of deepening spirituality and intentional community building.  
A door opened.
My mother’s house closed and the money is in the bank.  I hoped that this would mean an end to estate work; however . . . . and isn’t there always a “however”  . . . there are two outstanding claims that my homeowner’s insurance is handling.  Although insurance is taking responsibility, the estate cannot be closed while the claims are open.    One of the claims may take a year or two to settle.  And so, I continue.  
This is a door I would love to close and it resolutely remains open.
And so, I will try to view my participation in LEND the same way.  Tonight, I am not so mellow, I lean towards taking any decision personally.  But, if I am meant to be there, they will accept me.  If they think the slot better filled by someone else, then I will find something else.  Acceptance and participation would give me a path.  Not an easy or a clear path, but some structure as I figure out the foreseeable future.  Maybe I am meant to use a path, maybe I am meant to walk in the woods.  
I want most of all to be able to turn and face the wind.

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