Many, many thoughts jangling around in my head today. Labor day weekend. Two years ago, David was still alive and we did our first post-op bike ride, and then we filled the kiddie pool and Julia splashed in the water while David and I sat on comfortable camp chairs with our feet in the water.
After David died I ignored the pool which sat in the back yard getting dirty and filled with rain and debris. I could not bring myself to touch it and eventually in the fall I threw it away. Today, for the first time in two years, Julia asked if we could fill the pool for her to play in. I marveled that she remembered. She had been pretty uninterested in it two years ago. I wonder if she shut herself off from those days until now. We are talking more about Daddy, David these days. She says it makes her sad but she wants to remember him. We are coming out of mourning.
What a time of joy and hope that was. I can remember it so clearly. Looking back, I see that the earth shaking shock of David's death was due, in part, to the relief that I felt after surgery and watching David recover. I was valuing each day, and I was making plans for a future. Right now, I want to put my arms around the me of two years ago. Not to tell that me the future, but to give a bit more strength for the days ahead. I have accepted more of myself, of this after-life which is becoming a new life, of the journey. I can touch a sadness that is deeper than any that came before but I see the pain is not as searing. I say over and over these days that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel even though I seem to remain in the tunnel. It takes time and more time. I keep working through my tunnel with a vengeance because I know that I have to get through it for Julia. What a gift that child! It might be more advanced to get through it because of me and I might find that reason given the need to find it, but Julia has been my crutch, my reason to put one foot in front of the other. And I am not complaining at all about that.
Yesterday, we went to a private swim club that is a bit west of us. Amy and her family belong and invited us. Our community pool is not open until school is out (14 more days) and it was hot, hot, hot yesterday. Julia had a wonderful time, playing with Amy's daughter who is the soul of compassion. She stuck with Julia even when other friends were there. In fact, she seemed to draw Julia into the small group of girls that were playing and splashing. Julia's dino squirt guns added to the fun and Julia was able to share and take turns. Is this enough of a reason to abandon the community pool and join the private one?
And finally, this morning, Julia hogged the computer to play her reflex math game and I felt the need of that iPad that I want to buy for her. I hope that I can pay for it from a state fund that I will get and I am a bit hesitant to get it before the money comes through, but on the other hand, I would love to set up a bunch of features for her before she finishes school. I could float the cost for a month. I am still convincing myself to buy it asap.
Yesterday's excursion was my first on my own. Or more on my own than before. Amy met me at the pool's entrance and parked my car for me so I would not have to walk too far. I sat in the hot sun, couldn't go in. I wondered about all those people who never go into a pool. Those who sit and sweat -- gosh, I would hate that. I can shower now but I cannot soak my foot and that includes getting into a pool. I will do it for as long as I must but after that, I am getting into the pool!
I was also drug free yesterday (although this morning the pain was sufficient enough to take a pill) and clear enough to drive. Today, not so much but it is getting better. I can take a few steps today and we will walk the dog later on with my scooter.
After the pool, we did a grocery run on our own. I used one of the motorized chairs at the store and Julia rode around on my scooter. So, maybe we should have left my scooter at the curtesy desk like I did when I went shopping with Cheshire, and I am sure there were comments or thoughts by other shoppers, but, you know, who cares. We did it, it was almost fun, and Julia behaved pretty well.
I made dinner, feeding Julia calf's liver without comment from her. I felt the need for some, the vitamins and minerals liver contains are good for Julia as well. I was a bit surprised that she ate it without comments, but she likes the fried onions that I heaped on top.