I meant to write yesterday but the day got filled up and I just didn’t feel like writing more about feelings after I spoke to Mary on the phone last night. Today, I have crawled out of the pit of doom (dun, dun, dun -- sung in a descending scale) which is, in itself, very good news. I have complained for such a long time that I’ve lost all resiliency but I have noticed that some is coming back. Not as quickly as I would like, but some is so much better than none. Bouncing back, which is what this feels like, is a vast improvement over wallowing in puddles of grief and self-pity for days without relief. But be it long or short, the bottom of the pit is deep.
At church on Sunday, this was the quote on the cover of our order of service:
“People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in this air, but to walk on earth.” ~Thick Nhat Hanh
Reading that, I scribbled this:
It is that day again.
The day with the same date as the day his breathing stopped.
‘his breathing stopped.’
How this simple process of stopping ripped my life into pieces.
A rent that does not mend.
I have filled my day with life like a drowning swimmer fills her lungs with hungry breaths.
But there are still days that I have no wish to breathe or heal.
I want just to follow.
And there it is in words, written in ink
The strands of ideas I have not dared allowed to coalesce to full thought.
And in this moment I am the first soul to feel so much alone.
Michael’s sermon was called “Come Walk With Me” and he told of the glories and his experience of being and seeing walkers. As he spoke, I began to reassure myself, self-talk myself back among the breathing masses. I realize that it has gotten harder and harder to maintain my native optimism without being able to move around freely or putting my hands into dirt. Forced foot healing has taken its toll, especially during the last week. I begin to remember my whys. I begin to take in air in great gulps. I feel saved for one more day.
And I put on two flip-flops this morning and did not use the scooter to walk the dog.
I am a damned optimist.