23 June 2012

let yourself be silently drawn
by the strange pull
of what you really love.
it will not lead you astray.
I have been filled with self-pity during this week, ready to count the list of all I cannot do and all I do not have from not being able to run behind Julia to help her with her bike to not having unconditional back up in my life to not having ambitions and goals that are carefully mapped out and almost accomplished.  I have found ways of ignoring that Julia got back on a horse this week, that she rode her two wheeler, that I was interviewed to possibly be part of an interesting research grant for “lay trainers”, and that I will be a LEND II trainee in the fall.   There is the pull of what “you really love” and there is the pull from the part of me that sees only the dark and wants.  I get it!  The pull of the looming anniversary is certainly leading me astray.  It is hard to count off these days and not think of two years ago.  Hard to embrace or ignore what I remember and what I have forgotten.  The is no way but through every bit of it.  I would feel so much better to find a way to move around the pain, but the pain squelched here and now would pop up again later.  There is no way but through it.  I will sit with this pain and convince it to be a teacher and friend.

1 comment:

Linette said...

Congratulations on being accepted to LEND II! And of course, congratulations to Julia on her accomplishments!! It is so fun vicariously watching her achieve milestones.