28 June 2012

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” ~Eckhart Tolle
I have really strained to live in this idea.  Some spiritual teachers would say that I should not strain.  I should just be.  
I am not there yet.  So, straining is what I gravitate to.  
This is where I am today.  Challenge:  Insurance.  Applied, after checking it out with the insurance company, in May to add Julia to my health plan.  I am biting the bullet cost-wise but was hoping to score another year of intensive therapy.  But, and it is a big but, my plan is part of the state employee plan and it is the state’s employee trust fund that needs to approve.  And they haven’t.  After calling each week and waiting for a decision, they called me today to say that there was no decision.  What appalls me is that not only are they being unfair and rathe callous to Julia and I, but I have five therapists who will be out of part of their jobs, and I could give them no warning at all.  
Contingency plans.  I don’t have them.  when it is appropriate to make them?  
Well, now, for sure.  But I can’t really give up hope until tomorrow.  
Challenge: Time.  What to do with it.  Three years ago, I gave up 25 hours a week with Julia to therapists who have done wonders with her.  I had worked with her before that and I believe that I can do it again, but I had back up back then.  For the last two years its been the therapists who have been my back up.  
Julia’s behavior is different and better and in a whole different place, but she is no companion.  She is still challenging 24/7.
And it will mean that for the rest of the summer, I will not have any of my own time.  I know, I am the mom.  My own time is not really part of the job description, but I’ve grown used to it.  
You know, I believe that insurance will come through tomorrow.  I may be completely wrong.  Completely.  But I can’t relinquish the belief.  I can’t shake the optimism.  So, no contingency plans, no moaning, no selfish kvetching for another 24 hours.  
Last week, Julia said, “Mom, that bike riding really wears me out.”  And also, “Mom, I want my Dad back.”  Brief really cogent moments.  Emergence of another kind.

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