05 November 2011

“What is oct?” Julia asked today.

“The abbreviation for october.”

“What’s ab-bee--tion?” (multi-syllable words take practice)

“A short, fast way of writing a month.”

And then she said something about dinosaurs.

It’s all in layers today, different tracks.

Track one: (This is not in order of importance) I washed dishes in my new sink today. I don’t understand my new faucet. Ed did a temporary install of the plumbing and the sink using a piece of old countertop. He also put the stove in and I cooked tonight. I could have cooked last night but I had to remember where I had stored the pots and didn’t feel like combing the basement yesterday evening. In truth the pots were easily taken out -- yes, part of the plan -- and we had steak, zucchini, and rice tonight for supper after church. There is probably one more week of full time work and another two or three of part time work to finish the room. If I can keep the sink and stove, I will be happier than I have been.

Track two: I was miserable yesterday. I put on a coat of depression in the late morning and could not shake it until late afternoon. I have been doing way too much shopping -- almost all of it is for the kitchen, but shopping makes me crazy. Too much consumption, spending, choosing and owning. I want to be finished. I want to see the end of choosing and spending money. I am scared of all the spending even though I’ve planned for it. Irrational fear. And what else, feeling so far from an answer. Oy, wanting answers again. When I came out of it, it was like taking off a heavy winter long coat. The freedom of being away from a sadness that pressed on my soul

Track three: Julia. Of course. A week without being sent home, but church school tonight, a visit to the ladies’ room, and scabs on the back of her leg are gone. Bleeding. And scratching on one arm to reopen another sore that quickly became infected. She went to sleep last night and tonight with my holding her hands. Last night, after staying up after she went to sleep, I turned out the lights and resumed my post holding her hands. I can add sleeping watchdog to my resume.

track four: My lessons. but I am too tired. I will try writing that tomorrow.

What shook the shadow was a work out at the Y. I am learning.

Andy Rooney died yesterday. He was 92. He gave his last tv commentary in September a bit over a month ago. He loved his work and hated to leave it. During his last commentary, he said, that he'd live a life luckier than most.

"I wish I could do this forever. I can't, though," he said. What a way to live. This death reminds me that during some times in my life, I’ve said that I wanted to work until the day that I died. Work at something that I love. And right now, I don’t even have the work. Yes, yes, Julia and parenting, but I thought I meant work outside of parenting and home keeping. I am guessing that I will find the more but I can’t afford to make assumptions right now.

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