29 March 2012

Craig’s List has the first kittens of the season listed. This bunch is too far away, but I suspect we will have a kitten in the next few weeks. Spring break is next week. It would be great to find him then.

Sorting out the day. Teary all day and at time, it seemed that I was encouraging my tears. Cheshire “pinned” a picture of a bouquet of lilly of the valley. It was very sweet and so her. She has always loved that flower. And then, I had to go further in my head, thinking that it would be a perfect bouquet to carry at her wedding (not that any is happening) and of course, then that David would not be there for her wedding. Just a place that I don’t have to go. Too much of that kind of thing.

I set another few pages of Julia Dinosaur’s Tale for her to work on at Marilyn’s. Oh, some of these pages are so sad. The little dinosaur is left in a part of the nest alone when she is very angry and how she imagines a person to love her. I don’t know if the younger Julia had those imaginings when she was locked away from others, but perhaps. That too made me cry.

At Marilyn’s, Julia drew around the page of being left alone, but gloried in the page in which the little dinosaur makes up someone to love her. She read that page and her eyes just lit up and she rushed to draw.

Cooking for the weekend -- two kinds of quesadillas for a lunch or supper. Six families are going to Wisconsin Dells for two days of water parking. Indoors. I thought we would try it. See how Julia does and these people are all very nice. I’ve cooked on and off all day and my meal is in the freezer ready to travel and then defrost. As I was working, I felt so nostalgic. When did I last cook for a crowd? I miss doing that. I want again to be more of this world. A few more months of fallow work and perhaps I will have a party.

The idea of throwing a party by myself startles me. "We" threw parties and dinners and seders, but I. At times, many times, I did all the cooking, all the prep work, but I never served alone. I never hosted alone. And I never cleaned up alone -- the end of a sweet night, when conversations still echo in ears, and the fuzzy wine brain is silly and tired. Maybe loading the dishwasher with a second load, the first loaded and washed before and during dessert. Lovely leftovers put away to nibble on tomorrow and trays and the last of the pots stacked and put to soaking.

Can I do that all alone? Will the quiet after company sting? Or will I putter around the kitchen and dining room humming the last of the music and making up a few words? I will hold onto the second imagining.

I’ve started on photos. I have mountains of them. In our Washington Blvd house in Indy, there was a large built in nook by the fireplace that was perfect for photos. I framed many, many over the years we lived there. Those pictures in frames are neatly packed in boxes now. I am slowly taking pictures out of frames, except for a few that I still need to have out. Lots of frames for the yard sale. Then there are the boxes of “ancestor” photos -- my parents, their parents, David’s parents, and their parents. Slowly I will go through them and figure out what to do. Today, a tentative plan dawned on me. I have a beautiful album. It may have been a gift to Cheshire. That book, or that kind of book with representative pictures of families and years. Something simple to look through without digging into the chrono files that I am making. A short cut. It is a solution that has been right in front of me and I have only just seen it. Refocus. Re-see. Perceive differently.

An easy metaphor for this time.

I had a session with Ellen today. Work on letting go of the Bloomfield house which still houses a stubborn spirit that the new owners will have to ease out. But with assurances that I will soon be free of the responsibilities. Work on Julia. Her anger which is resurfacing and on which we are all working. Helping Julia to find her strength to control her out bursts. And re-affirming the intensity of her art of which I have no doubt. For me, affirming that what I should be doing, I have started and I am doing it. Again, refocus but when the time is right. And suggesting affirmations for me: I’m ready willing and able to do what ever spirit wants me to do with Julia’s story. I’m ready willing and able to receive money for the work that I am here to do. How many clients does Ellen bring up money with? I have to ask Lisa, but each time Ellen brings it up it seems surprising.

No comments: