27 April 2011

I have a big wild forsythia bush out my kitchen window. Forsythia puts me in mind of wild and wonderful springs. My early childhood home had a slope on one side and my father and grandfather planted forsythia and pussy willow to hold the soil. I did not know the difference between the two when I was little and imagined that the early spring yellow flowers gave way to the fuzzy pusses and then to green leaves. It was a miracle of nature to me as that very young child.

And when we put in the gardens on Washington Blvd. in Indianapolis, I planted both, finding that both were aggressive growers that needed much controlling in a garden bed however large. That slope from my early home that had little else planted on it was perfect for those wild, aggressive, spring plants.

I usually enjoy cutting some forsythia to bring inside, but I cannot seem to do it this year. It is my sad heart that stops me. It makes me too sad, just too many tears. Why? David never cared about plants, flowers or anything I brought in the house like that. Is it too much my normal year? Does it feel too much like all that has gone on before? So, I wash my dishes, scrub a few pots and look on the wild forsythia that blooms outside this year.

I exchanged text messages with Lisa today, and then talked to a kitchen designer who put the design that I did on his computer program. I have been dragging my feet about the renovation because I am so unsure about what kind of investment I should be making in this house. The big renovation would be such a pleasure, but I know that I can never (or at least in the foreseeable economic future) make the cost of it back. If I can see myself staying in this house, which translates to staying in Madison, for at least 5 years, I could be at peace. But right now, I am just not sure. I texted to Lisa that Madison is that place just right, but without a heart hold here my roots are very shallow. As I came out of my meeting with the designer, all I could think about was the importance of heart. I could live anywhere with David because we were each other's very deep roots. I need heat and I don't know if I can find it in Madison, even in this most wonderful place.

I also hold onto the idea that I do not want to always live alone. I want to live in community of some sort. I was not build to live alone, not happily. To do that in Madison, I would have to move from this house. Again, the renovation doesn't make sense.

I know I've written this before. I just need to sit longer with the questions. Patience and time.

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