Julia and I went to a dear friend's baby shower yesterday afternoon into the evening. It was very sweet. I went overboard on our gift, but this friend and her family have been dear and there was no reason not to indulge my indulgence. Silly, shower games yielded me a bottle of champagne as a prize. For a moment, I wanted to refuse it -- What? Drink it alone? I have not had wine at home, maybe one beer since last year. I have a full larder of spirits these days. I should have a party -- but not today. But it would have been ungracious to refuse to take the bottle home. It would have pointed out sorrow where there is so much joy, and I could not bear to do that.
And I went home, with Julia -- thank god for Julia -- to a house alone and empty. And god, did it feel empty. Julia, Latkah, Didi Chi, and still I hear echos.
I work hard at happiness these days. I work hard to keep those balls in the air. Most of the time I can do it. Sometimes . . .