21 June 2011

I am stuck in bed laying down as Julia tries to sleep. We have thunder storms -- although they may have passed. Oh, I hope so. -- and I thought staying upstairs would get Julia to sleep sooner. Maybe. Maybe.

We had a very hard afternoon. Crazy weather -- storming, humidity, hot sun. And no therapy, horseback riding cancelled. We did math work, and played video games, and then it was nice enough to go to the pool, so we went for a short time. It was almost empty because of the storms -- camps were gone, and only a few people remained. I thought it would be so much fun to have it to ourselves. I tried to get Julia to practice the arm part of the breast stroke. It became a battle and I got angry. I would not let her win, and she, being no less stubborn than I, did not want to give control to me. We battled in the pool and then at home. It went on for 3 hours and I am not proud of being angry with her for so long. In the end, I did win, but what is such a victory? I won with fear, not love, not compassion.

I am having trouble with Julia not listening and not doing as she is told. That is not going to stop. Not for a long time.

I need help and some time. I could use a free evening.


Anonymous said...

I am not sure if you want to hear from me. But I willl just say, My dear sister have more confidence in yourself. You always had alot of confidence but I guess you and David did so much together that you lost some of it.
Have more confidence in yourself you will get through this. All this time you have had David now you don't so it is hard very hard. But in time you will gain all that back and you and Julia will learn how do manage alone. I now it is hard but you will make it.
Suzanne, remember I am remembering way back when we were kids. I remember you strong and confident. You will get that back.
I know you have tough days coming up. Just remember if you want me or not I will always be her for you if you want me to be. I will be thinking of you and you all will be in my heart.
Love, Carol

Snickerdoodle said...

Single parenting is tough, no question. It's hard to remember to "pick your battles" when you've already "dug in" but what's done is done. Don't beat yourself up. Take a breath, give her a hug, say you're sorry and move on. She'll forgive you. She loves you so much.

Snick :)