26 June 2011

Waking much too early from a dream, another dream of David, albeit very short. In our living room, in front of our fireplace, very aware of the details of the room. I told him that I didn't want him to die. "I don't want you to die. I didn't want you to die."

As if that was in question?

Did I need to say it to him? Did I need him to hear that?

Very strange feeling -- no relief, no extra sadness. Just the presence of him lingering, like a fine mist.

Up until very recently, I had not dreamed of David at all. I was deliberately patient with this -- me who always dreamed although not necessarily about anyone or anything, especially dead friends or relatives. But I have had dreams of dear friends, my niece, and my paternal grandmother -- comforting or enlightening, but never asked for. It is different now that it is David. How, I am not able to articulate yet, but definitely different. Maybe, I accepted those other dreams for what they were -- visits from dear ones or conjurings of my own imagination. I did not really care which. Now, I care. I would really like to know. Right this moment, I imagine that I must be content that I have the visits and not ask for origin. Just be thankful for the gift.

I usually don't mind waking up in the early morning. Hearing the beginnings of bird song and calls. This morning, I told Julia she could sleep late. I suspect that Marcia and Matthew will take advantage of sleeping in. And so, I do mind some. I'd like to fall asleep once again this morning, blissfully in the arms of Morpheus, shaper of dreams.

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