We had a crazy day of cancelled therapists. I don't mind the time with Julia. I like it in fact, but the preparing and planning the day around a therapy only to have it cancelled, is what is frustrating. There were at least three complete sets of plans for the day -- Julia is not the only one who is comforted by schedules. I can laugh at myself.
I did miss a Waisman lecture that I wanted to go to -- cognitive delays and language learning. On the other hand, Julia and I took a long walk, saw a huge dead fish, and talked about worrying.
I am awake and unable to sleep because of money worries. Worrying about the stability of investments is only valuable to a point -- I crossed that point waking up and ruining my night's sleep. But the worrying points to part of what I was writing about, and Marianne commented about yesterday -- living in the now. Sure, I've read/thought about/even espoused living in the now, but I do it rarely. The actual doing of present tense living was a cold water shower during David's transplant and then right after his death. And I see that I've crept back into the past-future way of accounting for my time. Of course, one problem with this now living is that I have no idea of how it will turn out. And I laugh at myself -- as if not living in the present gives me any more of a clue.
I am meditating most days, attending to Julia, ever sorting, cleaning and clearing, tending my garden. I hope this will set me on the path of the present. Am I missing something?
Snick, thanks for the encouragement. It is clear to me that Julia still doesn't understand addition -- that ah-ha moment with counting does not happen with number operations. And so, do I just do it -- operations that is -- in different ways, in some of the same ways, over and over, and hope that something clicks? Is that what I/we have all done with reading? It certainly feels like it.
Julia and I were working on counting with the number tiles yesterday. I divided them over and over to count by 10's, 5's, and 2's, after she had lined them up very neatly and close together. She asked me why she had to learn all this counting -- which in itself was impressive to me as a question -- and I told her it would help her . . . and I listed the usual suspects. She accepted that and counted as I asked her to, and with my help. I remember watching her Kindergarten teacher count 2's, 10's, etc. and wonder why she bothered when it was clear that most of the class was reciting from rote learning without understanding. And yet, most of those same kids are using that learning to do math today. And so, is that what learning is? Filling a brain with information by what ever means is possible until the brain is ready to digest, integrate, make real use of the information. I do have a feeling for this process -- it is like that whenever I need to research some project, it was like that when I had to research new legal issues. Gather, gather, gather, and the pow! I get it!
Is this a description of learning?
And it is so weird to be think and wondering about this after living for such a long time.