the next step in the LEND program

I am going to just write forever today! These are my revised goals/vision/project proposal for the LEND program. I am talking to my mentor tomorrow about these proposals. I'll see how close I can get to what I want.

Leadership Goals:

Communication, communication, communication. I want to become a better writer and speaker. I want to advocate effectively for the causes I believe in. I want to learn to be effective and comfortable. I want to gently draw people in to listen and understand, not command attention.

Caregiving with different cultural contexts. I want to learn to listen deeply without bias or prejudice. I want to learn to step into the shoes of someone who has experienced life very differently than I have.

Negotiation, conflict resolution, and peace. I want to learn how to guide others towards a peaceful resolution of conflict. I want to find peace in my own center, to find words to say or actions to perform to spread that peace to others.

Vision Statement:

In five years, I am running the first Ready-Set-Go House in a small coastal city in China. Julia and I are living with 6 girls ages 7 to 13 and preparing them to be adopted by Western families. Julia and the girls attend a Chinese school half the day and are either home schooled or attend an English speaking school for the other half of the day. I am also working with children in the near-by orphanage who have neurological impairments or who suffered trauma and are developmentally disabled. I am hoping to work out, with the help of visiting experts, exercises, learning plans and therapies that will help these children develop along age appropriate paths. Our RSG House hosts visiting experts from around the world who come for short or long visits to help our children. The RSG House and ongoing therapies are supported by grants and the sponsorship of private funding. I plan to begin spending a few months each year visiting in the US, Canada, and Europe to raise funds for the House, lecture about what I have learned, and consult with those who know much more than I do. In the future, I hope to open two or three more RSG Houses in other Chinese cities. I also hope that I will be able to take some of the girls living in the RGS House with me when I travel back to the States.

Leadership Project:

Explaining trauma. Trauma is an overwhelming experience that effects the mind and body. Children who spend months or years in orphanages or foster home may experience trauma from their earliest days. They may compete for the attention of a caregiver or for sufficient food. They may experience long hours alone without their basic needs being met. They may be treated unkindly or worse. Even adoption, that most happy event for parents, may cause additional trauma. Trauma changes the development of every child it touches.

I propose to learn about those changes of the mind and body, the behavior that results from those changes, and the possible ways for parents, caregivers, medical providers, and teachers to react to and deal with the behavior of children who have suffered trauma. I would like to figure out the best way to communicate about these issues

The sky was intensely blue today. So blue I could get lost looking. The trees are turning colors -- which is the tree that has small leave that turn such a gold yellow that I have extra light when walking under them? Those leaves fall quickly as well. Fall brown and crinkly. I love their early fall crunch on walks. These leaves start small and dry smaller and they do not yet demand to be raked. They don't holler for a new chore. Rather, they clump almost neatly on the edges of side walks. Lawns and walks are softened. (Don't ever let me buy a house in the fall. I love the clutter and mess of trees and gardens that disguise all sorts of careless sins.) And now, I see the first red in the trees. Again, I should know a few names and I do not! The red is too bright. It competes with the yellow. A room would be totally ruined if I painted it that color. High up on the trees, that brassy red is loud and proud of itself. I cannot help but salute and smile.

I walk next to our lake. Me and the dog. The wind picks up at this time of year. Her fur and my hair blow. Soon I will be in hats and she will shiver and move much quicker than she does today.

I greet this fall. I wonder where it will take me. So much to learn. So much to process. So much. So much. I miss the old. I miss what I have always known. I miss what I had gotten back and lost again. I put aside all that missing and take in blue and yellow and red. Color fills me up. Color and wind sweep me along. I will think about missing some other day. I will. For now, I travel with the fall. With the change of season. With the change of heart and mind. With a solitude and a strength.

Okay, 20 minutes before I leave to pick up Julia and go to Marilyn's for therapy. I thought I'd sit down for research this morning but I never got there. Still, made some beef stew for tonight, filed Cheshire's income tax (no biggie, but ever so good that I remembered two days before our extension was over), and I also slept in. I've been letting myself do that this week. I hope it doesn't continue for too long -- really cuts into the day, but it feels good. It is indulgence. Maybe it is putting me in a better mood; maybe I am just lazy.

I feel the lack of not writing about Julia as much as I am writing about myself. It is intertwined and I need this space for myself a good deal, but I am missing things! And I hate to miss anything that Julia does!

So, a few things:

I got a report from school that I am just going to copy here. Of course, seeing that she is doing this much, I want to push her ahead and have her do more. When will I learn!? It sounds and feels like Julia is doing 1st grade, and maybe that is what she is doing. Here is what her teacher wrote:

Morning routine - off bus, things away, go over schedule, then Julia chooses something to do while the kids are coming in and doing morning routine. *transition - foreshadow what we are doing next and count to 5 to put things away.

Math- Work time varies between 20-30 minutes depending on her attention span. She does activities with me and earns 4 stickers. Activities include: counting items, number tracks (covered numbers 1-5, I can show you), sequencing Dinosaur number cards, story problems with dino pictures about eggs, story problems with dino cards given money value - she roles a dice and gets that many one dollar bills then chooses which dinosaur she wants to buy, visual math sheets - identifying how many objects in the picture, color by number... At the end she can choose her activity, sometimes I end with something in math she can work on coloring since she likes art so much.

Literacy - Reading with someone: she practices turn taking - reading a book to someone and listening to someone else read (started with practice with adult). Reading to self: She has time to look at books by herself that she is interested in. Reading to adult: She has books in a folder at her level that she practices with an adult, Adult then asks comprehension questions about the book (4 books = 4 stickers and then her choice). Other reading: Nicky is introducing listening to reading today - books on tape, on playaways, on computer program. Julia will be trying the computer book today.

Writing: Julia gets opportunity to draw and then write about her drawings. She can either dictate or get help with spelling. *I am trying to work in more time to do the sounds practice - she did well with that and I want to do it on a more consistent basis.

She also does activities for Science - they are studying rocks. I can get you more information on that.

_________________

When I asked Julia what she did yesterday in school, she told me she drew. When I asked her what, she answered, Fall. What about Fall, I asked? And she said that in the fall it gets colder and the leaves turn colors and then fall to the ground. JULIA IS LISTENING!

Yesterday, when we were getting ready for bed, she asked how my rash (ugh! welts) were doing. She examined them and then told me that she would kiss my back to make me better. Then, she looked at me very seriously and told me that she loved me and wanted me to be very healthy. I know she is scared of losing me and I know that it will take a lot of time for that fear to diminished a bit. But she is right there and feeling it, and being with me.

She had a wonderful time at clinic yesterday but when we left, Bethany, her therapist, still had work to do. Julia doesn't like leaving without making sure that the therapists are safe and going home as well. I don't know where she learned this, but it is very dear.

She also liked playing with the Wii at clinic for the last 15 minutes. This is getting to be a very big treat for her. And I guess I am thinking about Christmas. Bethany was telling me that Julia is figuring out things about the Mario games by herself. She is using the controls (with funny names that I am sure everyone else knows!) and moving them and pressing buttons to explore what her character can do. So much like a regular kid.

I still feel the need to ask others, my professionals, what they think about letting her have such a toy. We raised Cheshire without any video games and it was a point of pride with me. I don't believe in that much media, but if it is going to make Julia fit in, then I will do it.

I put up the screen to write an entry at least four times today. It was a good day, and I did good chores and studying. I felt very strong today. And strangely, I felt more like I was living some half life, some fantasy than I have ever felt before.

How to describe?

I was not sad today. Simple. Sadness seems such a part of my days that the lack of it feels like something important is missing, like a foot or that last ten pounds. I dreamed last night and early this morning. The first remembered dreams in a long time. The first light and silly dreams since David died. Believe it or not, one dream was of kittens and the other of very small dogs, not quite puppies but close. And walking on a campus that I knew well -- some place that I have dreamed of before with parts of my grammar school playground and convent in it.

I spent the day in chores -- bills, phone calls, emails, letters, and then studying. I went through a huge list of items on my to do list. I took a bag of clothes to good will and visited the bank. Not an exciting lot of activities, but productive and busy. It felt good to get those things done.

While I worked my brain was awhirl. I was watching myself at times. I was aware of how I moved and how what I did felt. I was a character in a story I was writing. I was living someone else's life. I was struck by a strange feeling that (1) David was traveling somewhere and would return at some point in the future or (2) that the last 35 years happened in some completely different way than what I remember. Am I desperately trying to hold on to my life with David and if that fails, it deny all sadness by denying that I never lived that life. Mind you, all this was feeling, not thinking, and so, it was stranger and less explainable than words made it sound.

For today, I was in another place -- a move, possibly sideways, but away from the intense grief of the last almost three months. I would not say I was happy, but I was not sad. I instinctively started making plans -- for the weekend (yard work), for thanksgiving (looking at flights to Maryland). I was enjoying being alone. That was the most remarkable part of the day. I enjoyed being alone and doing my work. I was not achingly lonely alone, as I have been since David died. I was as I always have been alone.

And yet, I am still so shocked when I type those words, "since David died." How could that ever have happened? How could we have been planning our summer one day and calling 911 the next?

I have not thought about the week before David died since it happened. I am beginning to process it now. I am beginning to remember. It is as if I walked though it as an actor, as if some shade of mine did all those things. I am both connected and disconnected from all that I lived through.

I ramble but this is the whirl that has been going on all day inside. And I still say, I was not sad today.

Going Home Barbie

When families go to China to adopt a child and stay at the White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou, capital city of Guangdong province, the receive a special Barbie Doll, called Coming Home Barbie. Each year there is a new Coming Home Barbie, and this is the Barbie doll we received in 2006, when we brought Julia home.

I had packed that doll away, not hidden it exactly, but put it away until some time when Julia could appreciate it properly. I don't really know when that was going to be. I stopped thinking about it really.

Sometimes Julia goes down the basement and explores. There is not much that she can hurt and so I let her do it. One day, not too long ago, but just before our China reunion, Julia brought the Barbie doll upstairs and asked if she could open it. (There was a time when she would have opened it without asking.) I was perplexed. I wanted to save the doll. I guess I wanted to keep it perfect in its box so that Julia could have it for all time. But Julia wanted to play with it.

And so, I asked lots of people about it. My fellow China travel mates, my Madison mom friends, and some others. And almost to a mom, they all thought I should give Julia the doll and let her play with it.

Julia forgot about the doll for awhile, but today, she remember again, and asked to open it and I said, yes!
I made her take a picture with the doll in the closed box.
And then we opened it.
She has had fun with it all afternoon and evening.

Waking at 4 with this mind whirling. I did such a great job getting to sleep early. Couldn't I stay asleep until the alarm went off? It is early enough. I know I am going to pay for this early waking later today.

Worrying this morning. Feeling overwhelmed, although when I make the to-do and to-be-concerned lists for the day, they don't appear to be impossible. I am a bit crazy/hyper-sensitive about my lists. I do this even when I cook, clean, or take the dog for a walk. Will there be time? Will I finish? Will I forget something else? I do need to calm myself. Take deep breaths. Take the worry out of my head and chest (the worry has a physical feel) and breathe it into my center, my core where it can get taken care of.

I love so much of what I am doing. I really hate that I have to do it all as I sludge through the pain and grief of David's death. Everything is colored by grief -- and sometimes every assignment and action goes slower, feels more looming, can be viewed as impossible because of grief. Not that I really want to give up grieving. It is what connects me to David right now. It is all that is left. Not all. No, not true. But the grief is the tangible. It is what is in my hands when I cup them.

I started this school year with the idea that I would do what I has assigned to myself -- LEND, PTO, Julia's therapy, estate work, house and garden -- as completely as I could under the circumstance of grieving. I knew I would have to cut myself a bit of slack. Allow for work that was not my best. Even now, a month later, I am having trouble with that decision. I want to be working harder and taking more in.

This moderation that I have assigned to myself. This slack I should be giving myself is not easy for me.

facts and dreams

Fact 2: For a very long time, almost my whole life, at least since 6th grade, I have wanted to be some kind of an artist -- dancer, singer, actor, writer, writer, writer. Fact 2: Whatever I've done in my life -- actor, director, lawyer -- people who I meet are always surprised because I've never "looked" like my chosen profession.

Desires: I want to live simply. I want to live with at least one other adult person. I want to look like what I do. I want to walk the labyrinth path to a straight tree-lined road on which I can see where I am going. I want to be free of economic worries and workings, and live purposely in the present.

Started on Sunday, finished on Monday

Back from a lake weekend in north eastern Indiana, and ah! The ah of a lake. I do have one two blocks from my house, but still. Ah!!!! We played, ate, talked, drank a little wine, walked, and talked some more. It was good to be with old friends. To share news of other old friends and colleagues. To talk about David. To talk about children.

There were seven kids, 8 to 15 (?16). They were busy with each other. They drew Julia in at times and she demanded that they play with her at times. They were very kind to her. Every one of them. And she had a lovely time. She learned to play a few new Wii games -- why does she have to be good at boxing and sword play? She also played archery after watching two of the other kids doing it and she was shooting those arrows pretty well after a very short time. She is now learning from experience and from some instruction. Julia is changing.

She did not eat well, after eating very well last week. The kid looks too skinny to me and there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. She does not really like fattening foods and she rarely eats too much. She will more likely skip a meal than nibble on a second helping. If only I could trade food desires and metabolisms for a while. Then we could both be perfect -- or nearly so.

I have to start writing about my LEND experience, but not tonight. This is just a reminder for me!

I have a pretty fierce allergic reaction to something -- I think the fabric softener drier sheets that David used. I have not used fabric softener for years and years because I broke out in hives from it. There were lots of soaps that I couldn't use, and even soaps that David could not use if he wanted me anywhere near him. But it seemed that in the last few years, my skin did not react to changes in soap. So, I figured to use what is in the house, and in went the drier sheet to each of Friday's loads. And out of the dried into the bag of weekend clothes.

Saturday morning there were a few spots that I could attribute to late, ambitious mosquitoes. Then, I wondered whether it was bedbugs from the slightly ratty hotel we stayed in when we stopped on Friday evening. I checked Julia and her skin was perfectly fine -- we slept in the same bed, she is much more tender than I am, what is the chance that I would walk away with loads of bits and she get none. And it got worse on Sunday.

That's when I realized that it was an allergic reaction and the only thing that is changed in my routine is those dammed drier sheets. They go in the trash this morning. And I am takingbenedryl for the duration. The "bites" have turned into welts and oh, how they itch. It upset Julia who I realize is now overly concerned about my health and well-being. I am sure I will survive hives. Hives sounds like tiny bumps, is there a word for allergy caused welts that seem to change the shape of an arm?

Even though we were in bed and asleep way before nine last night, we over slept this morning. We had about 17 minutes to get dressed, eat and get Julia ready for school. The kid still does not know how to rush, but she wanted to get on the school bus (the "threat" was that I would have to drive her) that she did it all and hopped on the bus when it was time. She told me she had to see her friends on the bus and she had to get to school because her teacher liked seeing her there. There may be some teasing going on in the playground that Julia does not like, but she is still so excited, much more than the first day, to go to school. And I am cheering!

Considering my goal these days is to lighten my load, I took the first step today. A few days ago, I put an add on Craig's list to sell David's phone -- used for less than 2 months this spring and a good deal of the time he was not interested in phoning anyone. Today, I sold it.

Big step? Nah. Not really. Not much connection with a phone that David hardly used. No real emotion. And realistically, it lightened my load by ounces. Metaphorically, it was a leap. Maybe I attack a manuscript box this morning.

School, then home until Julia's therapy is finished, then part of the drive to a lakeside cabin in eastern Indiana.

Happy Birthday.

I should be folding clothes but . . . .

Two things happened today and one yesterday. I don't know whether to call it synchronicity, or just the return of letting some needs and wishes out to the universe. This is not magical thinking, but comings together -- needs being met.

I have been wanting to participate in another group, as I am studying groups in the LEND program. Today, I was asked to by the Franklin-Randall representative to a Parent Council that the school board is putting together.

I had asked Marilyn, our attachment therapist, about idea for my LEND project last week. And today, all I could think about was getting a reading list together to point me in some direction. When we arrived at therapy today, Marilyn has books and articles for me.

And one of my LEND leadership goals is to get more comfortable talking to groups. Two days ago, I was asked to do a 15 minute presentation about living with a child with autism for our class tomorrow. I arranged pictures for a short power point and thought about what I'd say. No one else has talked about adoption and disability, and it is not covered in our course work, but the profs and instructors are excited to explore those ideas.

I do need some help from the universe these days. I need to keep eyes and ears open for opportunity. After all, I have no idea of where I am going with these interests or what I will be doing in a year. I am not talking about fate or predestination, just about gentle nudges and possibilities.

Tomorrow would have been David's birthday. Another special day. Right now, I am feeling that I've had too many days of note recently. I am tired of mourning special days. But no one will say happy birthday to David tomorrow. I will not see him smile or snarl. Julia will not make a card and Cheshire will not call. It makes me so sad, but no more sad that I am every day. The sadness is seeping deeper and deeper inside and at least for now, I cannot feel more than I am always feeling. If that makes any sense.

Tomorrow, I go to school for most of the day. I will present to the class. I will come home and get ready to leave for a weekend at an Indiana cabin of friends. I will try to drive a few hours tomorrow after Julia's therapy. By the time we stop for the night, I should be tired and I will sleep. And it will be another day.

Photo boards from David's memorial

My Friend, Amy, took these pictures. She asked me whether I wanted pictures and at first I said no, but later reconsidered and I am so glad that I did. Amy is a professional and although I could have taken a picture of these boards to remember them, she did such a better job. So, these are the boards that Cheshire and Linde put together for us. (And they put four pieces of tape on every pictures. Oy!

And David's books and magazines where his stories appeared were also on a table.

Amy managed to take a very nice picture of Cheshire and I (as well as many other good pictures). I will post some. Just not soon.

Some movement today -- how can I say? I have not felt overly uptight or frozen inside, but now I feel some breaking up of a brick wall. I will need a lot of shaking out and self renovation before I am myself -- silly phrase -- again.

Late breakfast with friends this morning. Ah, the absolute joys of SAHM-hood. We talked about nothing important and yet, I left with a grin on my face for the rest of the day. These friends are what I am doing for myself. And I am still grinning.

Health insurance, my worry for the last few weeks, may be working out just fine. Big sigh! I couldn't let it cripple me, especially this year. I want to be open to possibilities after I finish my course work. What kind? You may ask. I have no idea, but open I will be. And paying too much for health insurance would have put a damper on everything -- well not everything, but my budget which feels like everything sometimes.

And two things I did today. I sorted our family pictures the past two days and finished what I could find. Yes, Cheshire, there is a missing box. "Missing" means that it is somewhere in the depths of the cellar. It will appear, just not right now. The pictures that were there are in 1.5 plastic boxes (that is, room for a bit more in box 2). I threw out negatives and sorted our lots of pictures that we've taken of relatives and friends that I will send/give to those people. In the old days, we always got doubles of prints for free. Only a few were really given away, and so, I sorted out the doubles and those of others. It eliminated lots of pictures and I hope that those I send them to will enjoy them. Pinpoints of memory.

And I got to look at years and years of David and I and then Cheshire -- holidays and trips, school presentations, band and orchestra, and pictures of our Washington Blvd. house during all sorts of renovations. Such sweetness. I am very glad for them. And yes, I had some tears. I miss that man.

I am taking apart the lovely picture boards that Cheshire put together for David's memorial service. This is hard. I've decided to keep the pictures together in an envelope marked memorial service. I don't know why but it is what I can do. I'm going to post the pictures that I have of those boards. Cheshire made the boards. She and Linde worked hard on them and did a beautiful job. I almost didn't see them until weeks after the memorial. Still, I love them. I love the effort and the love that went into making them.

I put David's phone on Craig's List and his diabetes monitor. I may have sold the phone today. This is a big step for me. Part of me hates to change or move anything -- and I am starting with these because both are almost new and have more value right now than they will in a few months. But there are other things I want to sell as well -- and if not sell, then get rid of. I need a lighter load.

I am watching the Vicar of Digby while I sort pictures. And I will do more of the same when I sort manuscripts. I am avoiding nothing, but there is a need for relief from intensity, and a British tv show is just the medicine.

And I better get going . . . a note came home yesterday that lice was found on a kid in Julia's class. I am just going to wash her hair with that awful medicinal shampoo and change the sheets right now. I know I could wait and check her head but I am awful at waiting.

Wedding picture

The bride and her attendants. Aren't they just grand? What faces!

You know, I am fine for awhile, a few days, even a week, and then I have to drop out and be with myself for awhile. This is getting harder to do with my LEND class and PTO in full swing.

Took yesterday completely off from the world and worked on sorting pictures and putting things away. It was good although there is still a mess on the dining room floor which I may have to leave until next week. The thing that brought me to tears was a card from David -- yes, I save cards -- that had a quote from Danny Kaye on the front (the big crush of my youth) and a short message from David inside. It said "You can do it all." It seemed to come from somewhere just to me yesterday. I am grateful for the encouragement.

I worry about the future. Where will those messages come from? That unconditional support that I really need. And I agree that I need to concentrate on today, not some fuzzy future (thanks, Robin).

So, I will be grateful for today, and for the message I found yesterday. I needed it.

And another day passed.

Okay, so I did end the day yesterday feeling sorry for myself. And I did stay up too late yet again. But this morning I managed to get up, wash my hair, and get Julia off to school before going to the Apple store for a one-to-one tutorial. Then a stop at Staples for plastic storage boxes and home to sort photos.

So this may be the start of the anger part of the grieving process. Watch out!

I am making a trip out east in a few weeks and probably going to see cousins that I haven't seen in years. I have pictures from our shared grandparents and I thought I'd gather them, maybe burn a few discs for everyone, and give them all the pictures of their family that were in that stash. So, I tootled downstairs to the basement to find that box. As I was going through boxes, I realized that there are still many, many, many boxes of David's manuscripts. Each one filled with 20 or so manila envelopes labeled with the work title.

Oy.

I distinctly remember David announcing last year that he had gone through manuscript boxes and had reduced them by 6 boxes. He allowed me to believe that he had gotten the total down to a manageable number that would not burden our heirs when we passed to that better place. Well, the truth is -- dum-de-la-dum -- he had skimmed the icing on the cake. There are at least 10-15 boxes in one storage room, and I know there are another 5-8 in other parts of the basement. And that is not counting Schanker memorabilia. Urrrr. What do I do with this stuff?

So today I start. I am sorting pictures first -- and perhaps finding what I was looking for for my cousins, but no guarantees right now. I am purging negatives and doubles. Once I finish that -- and it might not be incredibly quickly, I will get to David's boxes. I guess I will try to save a version of everything; however, that leaves 5 or 6 versions that will go in the garbage or the fireplace. The man wrote.

Don't believe it is easy to throw any of it away. This was not supposed to be my job, I might rage!! But I want a simpler life.

At church yesterday, Michael quoted Gandhi as saying: "Simplify, simplify, simplify." Did Gandhi really say that? It sounds too much like: "location, location, location." Still, it is a good motto for this time. A good motto indeed.

I have to get on a regular sleep schedule again! So tomorrow, a trip to the Y is in order. Time to get to working out and time to be so tired at night that I can actually stop thinking and start sleeping. Falling asleep at 9 is better than being up until 2.

Yes, indeed. As Julia says.

I have a "new" reader -- Hi, Alycia -- and I clicked on her thumbnail pic and then clicked on one of her other blog reads. There was a story of a family who lost three small children to a drunk driving accident and then went on to adopt twins from China. I am in awe. To rise from such tragedy and love again, and make a life again. They are my heroes. I am humbled.

Julia is downstairs playing with a therapist. They are playing dinosaur wedding and we just better work on Julia's social skill a whole lot over the next years! LOL!! She is the bride and she is telling her "groom" that he IS GOING TO MARRY HER! She will "steal" him if she needs to. I don't know how Tiffany is playing with a straight face. I am cracking up.

This morning -- very lazy and sweet -- was also very productive. We did nails. Truth be told, David was the one who has always taken care of the girls' nails -- as kids that is. He didn't file or polish, but he did cut and clean. I have never, ever, ever been good at it -- and because I bit my nail for most of my life, I didn't even have to do my own very much.

I don't really remember it being much of an issue with Cheshire, but Julia's nails grow at what seems an extraordinary rate and she gets them incredibly dirty -- dirt, clay, wax from wicky sticks. Bathing and brushing do little to clean those nails and my first really attempt at cutting and cleaning nails during the summer may have scarred the kid for life. So, this morning, I set the kitchen table up like a manicure station (still no polish, but I might get there yet) and put on a BBC Dinosaur show and did Julia's nail.

Success!!

I might apply for girly girl status yet. Well, maybe when I'm 70 or so.

Julia and I also sat down and did some home work. She read for me for about 20 minutes. Our reading in the evening is much less structured. She will read a page or a few sentences, and then I take over. I don't push her to sound out the beginnings of words. I want that time for her to enjoy the stories and to relax. This morning I made her try every word that she did not know. And I was impressed with her tenacity. The kid is learning how to read. We also worked on six very simple addition problems and she worked through them. Math continues to be very hard for her -- numbers are hard. But Julia is working. She will get it enough to survive. I believe that we will get to money sooner or later.

And a world class artist needs to know something about money.

Last week, my friend, Suzanne, gave me a dinosaur watch for Julia. Her son had learned to tell time with it and had abandoned this very cute watch. It needed a battery and so, I had put it on a kitchen window sill for a trip to a store. Julia "found" it and claimed it! So much better than giving it to her. She also remembers Suzanne's son (I'd say a bit of a crush has developed) and was very pleased that it was his watch. She agreed to take it off for sleep last night, but she is really intrigued by it and has it on. Now, all I have to do it get it off long enough to get that battery, and also make a big clock to start working on time telling.

Carpe diem. Indeed.

I have another hour of therapy time, and I need a break from school work. If I can dig out my grandmother's photos that I inherited when no one else wanted them, I am going to scan some and put them on discs for the rest of the family, including some cousins who I haven't seen in years but might see when I go back east in October.

Oh, and I am not feeling so sorry for myself today.

Today, or rather yesterday, I got through another day. I did good things -- a bit of cleaning, another lecture, some reading, some walking of the dog, picked up my healed camera, and picked up the milk that we did not have. We went to church and the evening service on Saturdays is a good solution to a lonely Saturday. We came home to dinner, a bit of reading, and another dinosaur movie. And Julia went to bed and sleep without any fuss. And I got through this day. How many will I have to get through? I feel a bit haunted by the woman who told me it took her two years to be herself and happy again after her husband died. How many days is that? Days of trudging along, getting through, watching the clock just so that at the end I can check it off and hope that I am closer to . . . something that I don't even know right now.

I'm doing things, good things, worth while things, but everything I do is encumbered. There is no lightness in my movement, no joy. I can feel like a terrible drag when I talk to people. I am nothing but sad.

I am feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. This path is trying on the soul. I have the optimism of being sure I will get through it, but I wonder if I will ever really be happy again. I may, but I may not. And I am lonely for companionship that may just be over for good and all.