28 September 2010

Waking at 4 with this mind whirling. I did such a great job getting to sleep early. Couldn't I stay asleep until the alarm went off? It is early enough. I know I am going to pay for this early waking later today.

Worrying this morning. Feeling overwhelmed, although when I make the to-do and to-be-concerned lists for the day, they don't appear to be impossible. I am a bit crazy/hyper-sensitive about my lists. I do this even when I cook, clean, or take the dog for a walk. Will there be time? Will I finish? Will I forget something else? I do need to calm myself. Take deep breaths. Take the worry out of my head and chest (the worry has a physical feel) and breathe it into my center, my core where it can get taken care of.

I love so much of what I am doing. I really hate that I have to do it all as I sludge through the pain and grief of David's death. Everything is colored by grief -- and sometimes every assignment and action goes slower, feels more looming, can be viewed as impossible because of grief. Not that I really want to give up grieving. It is what connects me to David right now. It is all that is left. Not all. No, not true. But the grief is the tangible. It is what is in my hands when I cup them.

I started this school year with the idea that I would do what I has assigned to myself -- LEND, PTO, Julia's therapy, estate work, house and garden -- as completely as I could under the circumstance of grieving. I knew I would have to cut myself a bit of slack. Allow for work that was not my best. Even now, a month later, I am having trouble with that decision. I want to be working harder and taking more in.

This moderation that I have assigned to myself. This slack I should be giving myself is not easy for me.

No comments: